Introduction
An open relationship is defined as a form of interpersonal relations where both the parties decided to be together, yet they agreed to have a non-monogamous relationship. That is, while they remain as partners, they still have the freedom to engage in a relationship with another person. Each partner is allowed to have a relationship with other parties either on a long-term or short-term basis, and it is settled that such will not affect the ongoing relationship between the original partners. An open relationship can happen between people who made a plain commitment with each other, or even between married people. While there are those that do not agree with this kind of arrangement, there are people who argued that engaging in an open relationship had been beneficial in strengthening the bond between the couple.
Reasons for Engaging in an Open Relationship
There are diverse reasons why people enter into an open relationship, one of which is that both love each other and would not want to end the relationship. However, one or both partners find it difficult to stay monogamous, largely because they are still attracted to another person. When they are in an open relationship, it paves the way for them to become honest about their feelings, and they may not feel restricted by the other partner because theirs is a “pair-bonded but nonexclusive relationship” (Michaels and Johnson). Further, there are just some people who cannot live by rules, and that they cannot adjust to the limiting nature of the monogamous partnership. Entering into an open relationship relinquish the each partner from the limitation that is inherent in most relationships.
Another reason why people enter in an open relationship is the realization and acceptance that a single person cannot fulfill all of one’s needs. Many people in an open relationship argued that “it is unrealistic to expect that one person can fulfil all your needs” (Taomino, 72). Some attributed the failure of the relationship from the fact that couples have unrealistic expectations from the parters, and that polygamorous individuals realize the falsity of this concept. However, instead of unduly demanding that their partner change, or feeling the resentment towards them, the partners decided to have an open relationship in order to satisfy more of their sexual and emotional desires (Taomino, 73). For example, an open marriage, while it may not be described as impeccable, are perceived as ideal because “it covers the flexibility and changeability that its participants are searching for” (Block, 132).
Entering into an open relationship encourages both partners to be more honest with each other. Instead of breeding dishonesty and cheating, this kind of arrangement where there is a consensual nonmonogamy agreement inspires honesty and candidness. It is to be noted that infidelity is cited as the most common ground for divorce. As indicated in a 1983 survey, about 50% of the people specified unfaithfulness as the main reason for filing the divorce (Michaels and Johnson, n.p). When both partners agreed on consensual nonmonogamy, cheating and unfaithfulness are more likely to be avoided as the partners became open and accepting about each other’s outside relationship.
There are also instances when people choose to be in an open relationship because they perceived this as a means to foster personal and relationship development. People vary in their personality, and there are individuals who are constantly seeking challenges in their lives. While others wanted the comfort or security from a monogamous relationship, there are those that wanted to be challenged, thus they engage in an open relationship “to confront feelings like jealousy, possessiveness, or attachment, and work through these emotions to gain greater self-awareness” (Taomino, 28). Included in these challenges is the eventual development of personal freedom while creating better social relationships. A study in 1975 showed that in contrast to the common notion that open relationships are likely to result in the failure of marriage or relationships, it was found to strengthen spousal ties and increased self-awareness (Weitzman et al 9).
Models of Open Relationships
Most people are not aware of the existence of open relationships in their midst. However, a closer examination showed that there are also three main forms of open relationships. It would be helpful to know about each form of open relationship in order for people to know which of these form best suits their circumstances and their personality. Moreover, these are not exclusive and people can limit or customize them according to their needs.
a. Primary/Secondary Model
The primary/secondary model is considered as the most common form of open relationship and by far has the most similarity with monogamous marriage. The ‘couple relationship’ is the primary while all other relationships that are involved are considered the secondary. This form of relationship is generally practiced by partners who were in a long term relationship, such that they hold on to their relationship as having precedence over other relationship that they may have. Most often than not, “the couple often lives together and forms the primary family unit, while other relationship receive less time and priority” (Labriola, 218). Holding into the primary relationship is also a way of wanting to appear normal in the society, as well as to establish commitment, so that the couple decided to have a primary partner while engaging in one or more secondary partner (Atwood and Gallo, 113). There are instances when the interaction with the secondary partner is done in the presence of the primary partner, though it is much common to carry out the secondary relationship separately and open up about it with the primary partner some other time.
b. Multiple Primary Partners Model
The multiple primary partnership model is a form where there are primary partners who share an equal standing with the other people in the relationship. That is, none of the partners are prioritised, and everyone has an equal chance to negotiate their wants and desires from the relationship.
c. Multiple Non-Pimary Relationship Model
In contrast to the two primary models of open relationships where commitment is considerably stressed, the multiple non-primary relationship model is a form where the partners prefer not to make any commitment to anyone. People in this kind of relationship are not seeking commitment, and they find it more satisfying to share intimacy without the obligation to commit as they retain a considerable degree of autonomy (Labriola, 224).
Benefits of Open Relationships
There are many advantages derived from engaging in an open relationship as both partners enjoy the security of their bond, while they allow the benefit of getting to know other people. There is also the greater variability in the couples sexual and emotional lives and the “avoidance of hidden affairs and the attendant feelings of deception” (Knox and Schacht, 88). It was found that couples that opted to have an open relationship to meet and get to know others generally reported a stronger feeling of security in their bond. For women, it means being able to own and be in control of their sexuality, as this arrangement allowed them to “relish the feeling of owning their desires, bodies and sexual-loving choices as a means of challenging generations of patriarchal oppression” (Weitzman, 9). However, it was also pointed out that open marriage or relationships can only survive when both the partners fully understand its implications. Moreover, because in most instances, the rules can switch and change, there is a need for the couple to have a constant and continuous awareness and communication with each other (Block, 226).
Issues Associated with Open Relationships
Studies showed that many people in an open relationship are content with this form of arrangement; however, there are also concerns that are involved, especially due to the unique challenges associated with multilateral relationships. Among the most notable concerns of couples in an open relationship are the likelihood of communication problems, along with commitment and need satisfaction issues. It can also be likely that one or both parties may feel guilt over this form of lifestyle, such as thought on how it is affecting the others (Weitzman et al 11).
Most people in a non-monogamous relationship claim that the common challenge in their relationships is time management. While some people who were never engaged in this form of relationship tend to think that jealousy must be common in open relationships, this issue is generally addressed due to the rule of honesty and communication among the partners. On the other hand, non-monogamous people who have many relationships may not have sufficient time to spend with them (Barker, 107).
There is also a need to face the conflict associated with the society that traditionally believed that couples should remain monogamous, and deviating from such ideal is considered as a sign of immorality. These are external elements that must be dealt with by the couple who decided to be in an open relationship. There are instances when the family would disapprove of such arrangement and this can have a negative impact on family relationships. Some people may fear that such lifestyle should be kept a secret from other people because of its possible repercussions in their careers. The fear of discrimination in the workplace proved to be challenging because the couple need to prove that such lifestyle is possible and can survive. Still, there are some who feel that this form of relationship is stressful, especially for those who opted to keep it a secret for fear of the disapproval of friends and family members.
Societal standards often make people in non-monogamous relationships become secretive about their open relationships. They remain guarded on the nature of their lifestyle for fear of being misunderstood. Negative judgement, especially those coming from close family and friends are hurting and may have the tendency to impact one’s emotions and well being. It can also have a negative impact on the relationship, so that there are partners who begin to question the nature and basis of their relationships and the things that they believe in (Matik, 3). There is also the misconception that an open relationship only denotes having an open sexual activity with other partners, setting aside the fact that it can also involve being committed to other individuals by loving them in many ways.
Rules of Open Relationships
Just like any other relationships, open relationships can only survive when the couple works towards sustaining it. In order to keep their relationship functioning, the couple has to agree on certain aspects that would make them more comfortable with the arrangement. There is a need for the partners to negotiate the details of their relationships before entering in such arrangement. Some of the details that must be clear to both include the need to be honest, some limitations, approval and time management. Most couples require that each should be honest about their relationships with other people; this is important because the couple have to communicate, especially during instances when both gets uncomfortable. There are several considerations to ponder and discuss about when entering into an open relationship, such as dealing with jealousy, need for honesty and communication among other important concerns.
a. Jealousy
People in an open relationship usually have an initial arrangement in terms of communicating their feelings such as jealousy. For polyamorists, being involved in multiple relationships is consensual and has been initially agreed. It is therefore assumed that the partner’s involvement with another lover is not a sufficient reason to feel jealous. In instances where the polyamorist feels jealousy, it is supposed that it is triggered by different circumstances. In a study conducted by Deri, she found out that some of the reasons why partners in an open relationship feel jealous were a) when the partner dates a new lover, b) when the partner starts to feel a strong sense of attachment in the new relationship, c) when the other lover share similar characteristics as themselves, d) when the two tend to have an overlapping roles, and e) when there is a feeling of insecurity in the relationships for no apparent reason. Moreover, cheating in an open relationship often tend to refer to dishonesty or when one partner breaks an agreed-upon rule (Deri, 16). A certain way to handle jealousy in an open relationship is for each partner to be confident about themselves, and to understand and be happy for the other partner.
b. Honesty
Honesty is considered as the key quality that differentiates a nonmonogamy from cheating, and this is vital in creating and sustaining a satisfying open relationship (Taomino, 42). Without honesty, the open relationship will not survive because of the demands of this kind of connection between people. There are many instances when it was proven that telling the truth is better than being secretive to one’s partner. This is despite the fact that withholding such information is under the objective of protecting someone, because dishonesty is unfair and is not productive in any kind of relationship.
In the book entitled What Makes an Open Relationship Work, Taomino claimed that honesty is more than observing an ethical behavior, rather, it involves an act of reassuring and strengthening the partnership. Research showed that people tend to feel more secure when their partners are honest enough about their other relationships.
c. Managing Time
Having a multiple relationship, among other life responsibilities can be exhausting, therefore, any person who opted to become part of an open relationship must know how to manage their time properly. It is important that each partner should plan their schedules and activities ahead in order to avoid conflict in the future. As much as possible, one must a lot a specific time to accomplish a certain activity in order not to leave important things out. Each of the relationship must have a special time allocated for them in order for them not to feel left out.
Conclusion
Entering into an open relationship can work well with some people, and there are those who claim that this form of relationship arrangement is beneficial in keeping the bond between the couple stronger. The majority of people does not agree to an open relationship, citing that it is absurd and it is too complicated to be engaging in this kind of relationship. However, others who have been into it argued that it is a satisfying arrangement because one is assured of the security of one relationship, yet there is still an opportunity to meet other people. Open relationships also foster better communication because both partners have to continually discuss what is best for them and to foster honesty with each other. Particularly, women also find an open relationship to be beneficial as it supports them in expressing their thoughts and sexuality, which has been traditionally suppressed under the patriarchal society. There are also issues that must be addressed by the parties involved in an open relationship such as feelings of jealousy and the need to be honest with each other.
Works Cited
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Weitzman, Geri, Joy Davidson, and Robert Phillipes. "What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory." National Coalition for Sexual Freedom Inc (2010): n. pag. Web. <http://www.pinktherapy.com/portals/0/CourseResources/ACDKink/What%20Psychologists%20Should%20Know%20about%20Poly%20Relationsh>.
