Introduction
Sexuality is a very polemic topic now days. There is not a clear understanding of what abstinence and intimacy are. What is the purpose of courtship and the reason and essence of marriage? This paper aims to provide lights into what these are. It will start by saying why abstinence is important, the reasons for it and how it leads to a much fully satisfying life once married. It will also develop the topic of intimacy, what it is, why it is needed and how to increase intimacy.
It is not uncommon to hear young people say that they would like to live with their boyfriend or girlfriend before they get married so they can know each other better, in a more intimate way. Their argument is that unless they live together they will not be able to experience intimacy and realize whether they can indeed live a life together or not.
St. Paul says that each man should have his own wife and each wife should have his own husband. And each spouse should give each other the conjugal rights, referring to their body, wholly to each other in the sense of the conjugal act (Corinthians 7, New Jerusalem Bible).
Further on, Paul says that those that are single should remain single, referring to abstaining from having sex, unless they cannot control themselves (Corinthians 7:8, New Jerusalem Bible). He is referring to the fact that if someone is single, then he or she should not participate in a sexual act except him or she cannot practice self-control, in which case, better they get married. In other way, Paul is saying that sex is only to be done within marriage.
What is the purpose of this abstinence?
Balswick & Balswick, (2008) also supports that sexual abstinence before marriage leads to higher gratification than sex in a more open relationship. Sex is an expression of love between a man and a woman; they give wholly and fully to each other. The abstinence is oriented to facilitate this. Then as Scripture says they are one flesh, they are not two but one (Ephesians 5:31, New Jerusalem Bible). The marital act is a way of giving completely to each other, including being open to children. They are living for each other. So abstinence leads to this union, which is only possible within the marriage. This complete surrendering of oneself is not possible outside marriage.
In Marriage the two spouses enter into a mutual covenant, a commitment to give their life to each other for the rest of their lives. And they consummate this covenant through the sexual union. They seal, through the marital act, the sacred mystery mentioned in the Scriptures: of two becoming one flesh Balswick & Balswick, (2008).
And through abstinence during the courtship period, two people practice and prepare themselves to enter into this covenant and commitment. Marriage seen in this way, requires self-giving, faithfulness, and receiving, it is very important that abstinence is the practice so that the couple get to know each other, and practice these virtues, in particular of respect for oneself and the other person (Abad & Fenoy, 2002). The couple needs to abstain from the sexual act in order to show their most innermost selves, that leads to a deeper union, required in marriage, and which will also lead to greater sexual satisfaction in its due time.
Balswick & Balswick, (2008) also agrees that marriage is a complete self-giving of their own being; both individuals need to be ready to give such an offering and abstinence is the practice of this.
Once the couple, or spouses are able to disclose their truest self this puts them in a position of vulnerability that if lived within the marriage it leads to a greater union, connection and understanding. These are key player elements in sexual life of the spouses.
Balswick & Balswick, (2008) understand very well how most men in order to have such a connection they seek for sex and most women seek for emotional closeness. In other words, if there is no emotional stability and security the sexual satisfaction decreases. This emotional stability is fully achieved in the context of marriage.
During the time of courtship, the commitment to spend the rest of their life together should grow, and friendship should be at the core, bringing with it, emotional intimacy and passion that increases until it matures in marriage (Balswick & Balswick, 2008).
Intimacy and Healthy Sexuality
The act of giving and receiving increases the connection between the two persons which naturally leads to an increase in emotional connection, which in turn as we will see, increases sexual intimacy and vice versa (Balswick & Balswick, 2008).
Sexuality and intimacy are indeed interconnected. The act of intercourse is an expression of love, and a very intimate one. Other relationships of love, such as friends, brothers, sisters, parents do also express love in many ways, but the sexual expression is only particular to the marriage, as they indeed become one flesh. This unity requires a greater intimacy than other relationships. The stronger the intimacy between then, the greater the satisfaction they will experience.
This union is also an expression of the covenant they chose to commit to. A life together: a life in union. They do not live with their family anymore, but they chose to become one, and do a life together.
Communication is a key element for spouses to develop if they are to have an intimate sexual relationship. It is the basis of a healthy sexual life.
In other words, to know if someone is living a healthy sexuality, one must first see the persons physical, psychological and social boundaries. For all these elements to be lived, communication between members of the family is essential.
Still it is very difficult to build good communication channels without self-awareness, knowledge, discipline and a godly value system (Balswick & Balswick, 2008).
Steps towards intimacy
Intimacy increases emotional connectedness and emotional connectedness increases sexual satisfaction. For this reason, it is very positive to set steps to increase intimacy. Honesty and openness are important steps to take (Balswick & Balswick, 2008).
But it is also important to be aware that both women and men might have different ways to arrive at that deep intimacy. Balswick & Balswick, (2008) recommend that women take the commitment of fostering the erotic expression, which will help men build stronger links between the sexual and emotional intimacy. This increase in intimacy from the men’s side will help women feel that emotional intimacy.
In other words, both the erotic and emotional expressions must be taken care of to increase the intimacy, unity and sexual satisfaction.
Conclusion
We have seen how abstinence is important and if lived well it can lead to a greater union later on during marriage life, and it can also be a great practice to have a much healthier sexuality and fully satisfying life with regards to this.
Abstinence ultimately helps the individual have a healthier sexuality which leads to a whole and full life. Through the self-giving to one single person, the spouse, through marriage, individuals achieve a greater union and become with the other spouse one flesh. This leads to a higher life wellbeing and satisfaction than a live of multiple partners; that does not lead to such a union, intimacy and sharing.
Both the erotic and the emotional intimacy are important and must be strengthened. Balswick & Balswick, (2008) provided important insights in what relates to intimacy and abstinence. Although sexual satisfaction is part of the wellbeing of a married couple, they do not let us forget the key elements of a healthy sexuality. Without those, it would be harder to experience the satisfaction of the marital act. Communication, openness, self-awareness, knowledge, discipline and a godly value system, individual development, freedom to negotiation and a balanced set of personal boundaries are some of the important elements to consider when evaluating whether someone is living a healthy sexuality.
Reference List
Abad, J. & Fenoy, E. (2002). Marriage: a path to sanctity. Manila: Sinag-Tala publishers.
Balswick, J. K. & Balswick, J. O. (2008). Authentic Human Sexuality: An Integrated Christian Approach. InerVarsity Press.
