John Q. Student
Augusta State University
Dear Alex,
People make mistakes. In fact, it is in our nature to make mistakes of every kind. Even though people know that it is impossible to relive the past and correct these mistakes, there are times when they still want to try if given the chance. When it comes to relationships chances like this are rather abundant. People break up because of a lot of reasons, and many of them believe that it was only due to misunderstandings and mistakes that both parties made while they were still together. And so, they think that “giving it another shot” will help them prove their selves to the other person that they have matured and have become wiser (Chen, 2013) when it comes to relationships. For others, it may just be because they still feel that they love that person still. In your case, I think the former would apply. But I am here to give you advice and not dictate you on what you should do. Therefore, I will show you what possibilities there are given whatever path you choose – whether to get back together with the girl or not.
In my opinion, because you spent every waking hour with her for two whole years you have collected so many memories with her.And given that you were still young at the time; your autobiographical memory bump (Chen, 2013) contains a lot of memories including her. So if you find yourself consistently reminiscing to those times, then I do not think you should get back with her. Either that or you have to lessen your expectations greatly. First of all, you guys aren’t college students any longer. You will not be able to spend all your time together and will probably have to make certain sacrifices in order to do so. Also keep in mind that everyone is adventurous in college, and five years may have been enough to make that wild, sex-hungry ex-girlfriend of yours turn into an adult who has experimented enough and knows what she wants (and don’t expect you’re part of it). I mean, you said it yourself. You’re practically a different person now, and you should expect no less from the girl.
It is easy to remember the good times and never fun to remember the bad. But this is something that you seriously need to take into consideration. Force yourself to remember what made the relationship falter and contemplate whether you are open to the possibility of re-living it. True, you may have become more mature as a civilized person, but that doesn’t mean you’ve changed all together. If there’s one thing I know, it’s usually the small things that you never notice yourself that probably bothers your partner and vice versa. Heck, the fact that you don’t remember what made you break up with her is a bad sign. It either means that it was something traumatic for you that you’ve shunned it from your consciousness or that you didn’t bother understanding what was happening at all. And I really don’t think that would be healthy to get back to.
I don’t think you’ve mentioned this in your letter, but if she is your first love I think it is normal for you to look back constantly to those times. Because according to some lectures I have attended, your first love and first experience in a relationship sort of serves as a template for all the relationships you will go through throughout your life. You will find yourself always comparing your current relationship to your first one (Chen, 2013). So you should really make sure that you wanting to get back with your ex-girlfriend isn’t because all your relationships couldn’t compare because the second time with her (especially after drifting apart like you have) will definitely be different. It’s like, that part of your life has already past and can never be re-lived in the same way again. Sure the people are the same but things really do change in time.
I may be sounding a little too pessimistic, but I think that you should dwell first on the things that I have said. I just wanted to make sure that you’re sure you want to pursue this even after all those warnings. Now, I am going to give you advice on things you can do to get back together with her. As you said in your letter, you’ve had a couple of disastrous relationships after that one good relationship with this girl and I think that’s a good enough motivation. It shows that you’ve already done your own exploration and experimentation and have decided that you really just let past what you really loved and wanted. But before anything else, find out if she is in a relationship or not. If yes, then do not think of going out with the girl alone masquerading it as something “friends do” because we all know that your intentions are nowhere near friendly. Things like that will probably end up with you two having sex because of the sense of familiarity of having done it before and not because you still love each other, and we all know that relapses only causes problems for both parties. It also re-opens the wounds of the past (Chen, 2013). However, if she is single then you’re a half-step closer to your goal.
For one thing, do not expect that you guys will get together. You have been apart for a long time and I think the best thing to do at first is to get to know her again. This is the time where you try and gauge whether you still want her as a girlfriend or whether you two are a “perfect fit”, because, like what I said earlier, things have changed and people change as well. And no, I can’t tell you how you know it’s a perfect fit, because I believe it’s something that happens at that moment when you guys catch up and become friends all over again. Yes, friends. You will have to start and go through the wooing process again unless for some reason she has also been thinking of you a lot and been stalking your Facebook profiles and such.
Under the assumption that you guys do get back together, all the advice I can give will be to anyone who is in a relationship. One, relationship takes effort. You are adults now and are faced with the cruelties of reality, not the carefree college students from five years ago. You’ll have bad days at work, she’ll have them as well, and you will need to be as understanding and as patient as possible. Just listen and provide her comfort and security, that’s all you need to do. Living together is another thing and a very challenging phase where you’ll have to make even more sacrifices and compromise – but let’s reserve that for another time. With that, I think you’ll have a lot to think of already so I just wish you all the best (and I really hope you do think about it).
Good luck to all your endeavors of love.
Truly Yours,
Dr. Roof
References
Chen, I. (2013). Reuniting with an Ex Lecture Notes.
