HOW THIS WORKS: Your e-structor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your e-structor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] throughout your essay. Thank you for choosing SMARTHINKING's OWL; best wishes with revising your paper!
*Strengths of the essay:
Welcome to Smarthinking, Brian! I’m Tisa G., and I will be your writing tutor for this submission. I read through your draft, and I think that you did a great job asking questions in your introduction. Asking questions is a good hook to grab your readers’ attention. Hopefully, this will also interest them into reading your entire essay. Well done! Below, I have a few more suggestions on how you can further improve your work. Specifically, we will focus on your Main Idea/Thesis, Content Development and Transitions sections. Now, let’s get this started!
*Brian 3214559 has requested that you respond to the Main Idea/Thesis:
Brian, all writing, no matter what form it takes, has a primary topic. This primary topic is expressed in the thesis statement. The thesis statement:
Makes a claim that can be supported by reasons
States the writer's most important or significant point
Presents the reasons or evidence that support the claim
Usually, the thesis statement is the final sentence (or two sentences at most) of the introduction and should do these three things:
1. It should clearly express the topic: what the paper is about.
2. It should make a discussible point: your reason for writing the paper.
3. It should indicate the structure of the paper: by previewing the paper’s content.
Now, let’s go back to your paper. What are the major points you want the reader to take away from this? Can you create a strong thesis that follows the guidelines above?
For more help with thesis development, check out this page in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook: http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_06.cfm
*Brian 3214559 has requested that you respond to the Content Development:
One way to develop your content, Brian, is to make sure that you have all the necessary elements in your paper. These are the introduction, body and conclusion. Introductions and conclusions are important elements of any paper. This is because they have special functions which are important in order for your paper to be complete, and for your paper to be organized. Having said this, you may want to make sure that these two parts of your paper are well-developed.
In order to develop your introduction, here are a few tips:
1. Grab the readers’ attention with a hook. You can do this by relating an anecdote, sharing a quote or asking a question.
2. Tell the readers what you are writing about. Give a brief backgrounder on your topic.
3. Tell the readers the topics that you will discuss. Your introduction should preview your main discussions.
Next, your conclusion should complement the introduction, but not copy it. Remember, conclusions:
1. Reinforce the information stated in the introduction.
2. Provides a sense of “looking back,” a sense of showing the reader what was covered. Your conclusion should review your main points and discussions.
3. Leave a final, lasting impression. As this is the last thing that your readers will see in your paper, it should give them a sense of closure.
Brian, with these in mind, you can now start developing your introduction and conclusion! Good luck! For more tips on how to write them, please click this link: http://www.smarthinking.com/static/Document_Library/docs/writeman/3_19.cfm
Transitions:
For your ideas to flow smoothly, Brian, your sentences should have a connection. To help you with this, you can use transitional words. They help in establishing the connection between and among your ideas. Transitions are like little bridges that carry the reader from one idea to another. They indicate relations, whether within a sentence, paragraph, or paper. For example, instead of saying “He ate a bowl of porridge. He watched TV.” you can say:
He ate a bowl of porridge after he watched TV.
Notice how adding a transition word helped the sentence establish a relationship and become smoother. Now, how can you apply this in your essay, Brian? Here are a few transition words and phrases which you can use:
When showing additional ideas: and, also, in addition, furthermore
When giving examples: for example, for instance, specifically
When comparing: also, likewise, similarly
When contrasting: however, on the other hand, yet, although
When summarizing or concluding: therefore, in other words
When showing the time: after, before, during, next, finally, meanwhile, immediately
When showing the place or direction: above, below, nearby, close, far, left, right
When indicating logical relationships: therefore, consequently, as a result, thus, since, because
Use them wisely, Brian. Good luck!
Summary of Next Steps:
This is where our session ends, Brian! As you revise your current draft, please remember to:
Devise a clear and complete thesis statement (and place it at the end of your introduction).
Develop your content by improving your introduction and conclusion.
Use transitions to give your ideas a smoother flow.
Thank you for using Smarthinking! I hope that this review serves you well, and that you send in your next draft, so we can further assist you, Brian. Remember that we’re always here to help. Good luck! -Tisa G.
Find additional resources in SMARTHINKING's online library:
You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in SMARTHINKING's student handbooks. You can visit the SMARTHINKING Writer's Handbook or the SMARTHINKING ESOL (English for speakers of other languages) Writer's Handbook.
Makes a claim that can be supported by reasons
Please look for more comments in your essay below. Thank you for visiting SMARTHINKING. We encourage you to submit future essays.
Makes a claim that can be supported by reasons
Book Review
The Omnivore’s Dilemma – Michael Pollan
Michael Pollan’s The Omnivore’s Dilemm:The Search for a Perfect Meal in a Fast-Food World is fascinating to read and it taught me so much. This review deals with the first section of Pollan’s book, published in 2007, which is entitled Industrial Corn (pp 15 – 122). Ostensibly it is a book about the American food industry, but in the course of his account Pollan imparts so many interesting facts and this book ends up being a mixture of personal memoir, history study and food guide with many unusual and interesting facts thrown in. Do you know the year that the Chicken Nugget was invented? Do you know exactly what a Chicken McNugget consists of? Do you know exactly why American farms grow more food than they did a hundred years ago? Do you know the ways in which the over-production of corn contributes to America’s obesity problem and at the same time to starvation in Mexico? Do you know how the American food industry is inextricably linked to the gas chambers at Auschwitz? I didn’t – but this book told me. Overall, I found the book interesting, well-written and informative. It made me re-think my attitudes to food and, through its mix of history, anthropology and science, made me more aware of what I am really eating when I have a Macdonald’s. It make clear why the United States produces too much corn and also explains why that over-production leads to problems in the environment and in aspects of human health .
Pollan starts with a seemingly simple question. He tells us that he used to think, when he was eating, “What should I eat?,” but now he asks “What am I eating? And where in the world did it come from?” (17). His search for the answer to that question is essentially what the whole opening section of the book is about and it leads him in an attempt to follow some corn grown in Idaho all the way from the field where it was grown to the plate where he eats it.
His search for an answer not only leads him to a farm in Idaho, but also a factory farm in Kansas: he even buys his own steer in an attempt to understand the problems of modern farming techniques. It also takes him back in time, so we understand the reverence the Aztecs had for corn and how the U. S. Government has encouraged the over-production of corn – aided and abetted by the huge national food corporations and improvements in seed quality, fertilizers and ‘food technology’ – the use of corn or its derivatives in all sorts of ways in all sorts of food products. The landscape of the American Mid-West has changed dramatically because of the farmers’ over-reliance on corn and the over-production has, in turn, affected eating habits and even made factory farming on an industrial scale. Even the artificially produced nitrogen fertilizers are heavily dependent on fossil fuels – so that one might argue that even recent American foreign policy has been motivated by the need to preserve oil supplies – not simply for transportation – but to keep the American food industry going. What Pollan make strikingly clear too is that the huge national food corporations in America are motivated almost exclusively by a desire for profits and have discovered ever-more inventive and artificial ways of making the excess corn into processed food, which, because of its cheapness, has the greatest effect on the health of the poorest groups in society.
Some parts of Pollan’s book are alarming. Health problems such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease and e-coli have grown as a direct result of modern farming techniques. In addition, the over-use of fertilizers pollutes the landscape, while the lives of the animals we eat have been altered dramatically. Beef cattle forced to eat corn instead of grass are changing millions of years of evolution and have a drastically reduced life expectancy: they are kept alive by the generous use of anti-biotics and no-one knows the effects of these on human health. The other striking fact is that the huge food corporations are motivated solely by the need to make more amd more profits from the growth of corn, and are therefore impelled to find new ways to encourage to us eat more – no matter what the cost to the environment or the health of ourselves or the domestic animals that we rely on. According to Pollan, the United Nations declared in 2000 that the number of over-weight people in the developed world out-numbered the number of malnourished people in the Third World (86). The strength of Pollan’s book is that he explains this paradox so that it makes complete sense. The over-production of corn in the United States (encouraged by government subsidies and made possible by new strains of corn which can be grown closer together and the development of ever better fertilizers) has lead the food corporations to find new ways to utilize every part of the corn crop to make processed and synthetic foods which cause obesity, while at the same time driving down the global price of corn; thus, Mexican farmers, unable to afford the newest seeds and the latest fertilizers, cannot afford to feed themselves and their families.
Pollan manages to make scientific facts interesting. He is clearly a good investigative journalist, but he is not an expert on food and its production. In this sense he is just like the reader – uninformed – and, because of this, when he discovers something new, he shares his sense of amazement and discovery with the reader. In addition, he makes frequent references to his own family and his own memories of food as a child, as well as interviewing farmers and breeders now, so he manages to convey a clear sense that he is speaking form an informed point of view. I also found it refreshing that he does not try to preach. After his visit to a farm where cattle are fed quickly in order to be slaughtered and turned into meat for us to eat, he states that he has been put off eating meat – but only temporarily: he admits too that this feeling will wear off and that he will eat meat again. In other words, he is not a radical animal rights fanatic or a committed vegetarian; he comes across as just like the reader – although one who has been shocked by what he has discovered about America’s food industry.
Overall, I found this an intriguing and at times frightening book. Many readers will find it shocking and alarming. Its mixture of personal reflection, historical and socio-economic analysis made it a fascinating book to read. I felt after reading it that I could explain to other people exactly why American farms produce too much corn and why this causes severe problems in the environment, in human health and in the world economy. Oh, and Auschwitz? The German scientist who invented Zyclon B, the poison gas used in the Nazi death camps, also invented the process that enables the production of artificial nitrogen fertilizers – a development which has been crucial in the .increased crop yields of American farmers. As a writer Pollan pulls off a neat trick, by explaining the dangers of fast food without putting the reader off for life – Big Mac anyone?
Work Cited
Pollan, Michael. (2007). The Omnivore’s Dilemma. London: Bloomsbury Publishing.
