Luke was humming some catchy tune as he was leaning against the kitchen counter and making grilled cheese. He opened the fridge to get a milk carton, then took two glasses from the kitchen drawer and put them on the table. He poured some milk in both, leveling his head with the glasses and squinting his eyes as he made sure the milk was poured at exactly the same level in both glasses, trying not to spill a drop on the table which he had cleaned to the perfect whiteness prior.
Glenn walked into the kitchen and stopped at the doorstep. He smelled the air: "Are you making grilled cheese?", Glenn asked questionably.
"Figured I haven't had it like for a year, might as well have some for dinner, you want some?", Luke looked up at Glenn and suddenly saw his roommate’s bottom lip curling and his face putting on a grimace of fear and shock. His hands were shaking and his eyes were getting uncontrollably watery.
"Are you allergic to cheese?", Luke has only had Glenn as a roommate for less than a month and, quite shocked by what was happening, could only think of this explanation.
Glenn only sobbed and looked at something in front of him, something Luke could not see. He looked helpless, but so was Luke. Grilled cheese was slowly burning on a pan, and Luke rushed to the oven to switch it off. A heavy, smoky smell filled the kitchen area and was slowly spreading around the living room through the door in which Glenn stood, sobbing, trembling and looking miserable.
Luke's shock had been replaced by outrage in less than a second. The guy looked completely normal when he first came to check out the apartments and see if he would be willing to move in with Luke, who desperately needed a roommate. Otherwise, he could never afford a living place, and this apartment was surely a good one: great location, quiet neighbors, fully furnished and a great view on a small lake now reflecting the fall colors of the trees surrounding the water surface from the living room window. Living room was Luke's favorite place in the whole apartment, except for that very moment when Glenn stood pathetically in the door and breathed heavily. Luke had no clue of what he was supposed to do now.
He looked around the kitchen. There was a round wooden table in the other side of the room, covered with a light green cloth (it was placed perfectly in the center and the corners hanging from each table corner were carefully leveled). A vase of flowers stood atop of the table, three georginas, all the same length and size, and even the petals on each flower head seemed to be perfectly equal.
Luke took the pan off the oven and put it in the sink. The cheese went to the trash can underneath the sink, and Luke opened the tap three times (on-off-on-off-on) to let the water run over the burned pan's surface. He looked at the two glasses he filled with milk a few minutes ago and, to his surprise, noticed that one glass had visibly more milk than the other. Angry at hos failure to fill both glasses equally, Luke poured the milk out of the glasses, washed them and dried with a kitchen cloth.
Glenn was coming to his senses, at last. Luke was too disappointed to even try to get to the bottom of things, "Whatever drug Glenn's on, it's definitely a shitty one", Luke thought, scrabbling the pan fiercely.
Glenn walked over to him and looked into the sink. "It burned" he said.
"Certainly did" Luke nodded and irritably looked at the kitchen sink. The water drops were all over it. He desperately needed a cigarette. Three puffs, as always, then take a long inhale and let the smoke slowly come out of the mouth, then three puffs again, then a long inhale, three puffs, a long inhale "I'm sorry" Glenn said. He looked as if all the weight of the world had been placed on his shoulders, and that his spine was just about to crack from this crazy burden.
Luke looked at his roommate. Glenn was an okay guy. He didn't litter around the house, washed the dishes, didn't waste too much water in the shower (Luke always took showers in 8 minutes, exactly enough to listen to two his favorite songs: Across the Universe by Fiona Apple and We Are a Happy family, Marilyn Manson’s tribute to Ramones. One time the shampoo wouldn't come out of the bottle and Luke spent an infinity standing there trying to squeeze it out, and when he finally put it on his wet hair, the last song had already come to an end. Luke got out of the shower with the hair full of shampoo foam, restarted the playlist and only then got back in the shower to wash the shampoo off, and did not get out until the last accords of the song died off). In general, there was nothing irritating about Glenn. Or there had not been, until that day. “Or I just ever bothered to try and see”, Luke thought.
"No problem, Glenn", Luke avoided looking into his eyes. What happened to Glenn would have scared him, terrified him, left him helpless as for what he was to do now, if Luke KNEW what happened. But he didn't, and he was left to wonder and question it, as much as he tried to convince himself he didn't care.
He wanted to drop the pan and let it drown in the water running from the tap, wanted to get outside and smack the French window behind as he did so, was eager to get to the deck and sit there, looking at the lake, taking his three puffs and one deep inhale of nicotine and not let a single thought bother him.
The afternoon was cool and crispy as green apples Luke and his sister used to pick from the trees when his family still lived on a big farm in Northern Michigan. Luke opened the French window and stepped outside, breathing in the October air, and Glenn followed him hesitantly. Having made a few steps outside, Luke looked back and noticed that the French window wasn’t shut properly. Glenn, who was trotting after Luke, stopped and looked at him. Luke stood and looked at the crack in the door, and his entire mind seemed to be focused upon this little detail which felt like a rough brush going through his brains, that little imperfection bothering him so much that it crashed upon him as a sudden wave of rage. But, with an enormous effort, Luke restrained from saying anything to Glenn. The guy looked like he needed help, the sooner the better. “This cold fresh air will help him”, Luke thought.
As they reached the deck and Luke pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a black lighter (always black. He would not light up a cigarette with a lighter of any other color in existence), Glenn started talking. His voice sounded hoarse, as if he had been willing to confide in someone for a long time, but had never had a chance, “When it happened I was making grilled cheese. Was standing near the oven and listening to the cheese in the pan melting, could barely hear it because of the TV playing loudly at the background. There was a big window above the oven, and I could see our driveway and the garage from it. That evening, I was waiting for mom to come home from work and making dinner for us”
Luke made three puffs and, as he was taking his long inhale, noticed that Glenn’s left show was untied. He heard him talking, but did not listen. He grabbed his waist, “Can you please tie your shoe?”
Glenn looked at him, and the fact that his carefully constructed and numbed barrier had broken down at last and the water in form of the story of a tragedy he had gone through was unstoppable, became painfully obvious. Glenn kept talking. Luke did not listen and did not want to listen, he looked at the untied shoe. He took another deep inhale after the first one and was mad, as three little puffs had to come after the inhale.
He should have had the grilled cheese for dinner! His inside monster screamed. He should have had a perfect roommate, not some crazy psycho. He should have foreseen everything. He should have poured the milk into two glasses and made sure they were both filled equally. The door should have been closed shut, not bare a crack through which the fall air was now rushing into the apartment, clearing out the smell of the burned cheese and moving the curtains where each and every tuck was thoroughly adjusted by Luke.
“And I then I saw her car. She saw me in the kitchen window, my dear mom, and waved from the driver’s seat, and yelled something, only I could not hear because of the TV”
Untied shoe. Burned cheese. Unlevelled milk. Curtains. Wind. Untied shoe. Untied shoe.
“The automatic door in our garage opened to let mom’s car in, and the next thing I knew the automatic metal door crashed over my mom’s car. And then there was an ambulance and a whole lawn of our next-door neighbors. And the flashbacks Keep stalking me. I changed the city, then moved out of the state. Four years ago. It all happened. And sometimes I feel I cannot help it anymore. When I saw you making that grilled cheese. The memories just took over me. I thought I was looking at my own old self”.
Untied shoe.
“I’ve been seeing a doctor. She has been helpful. I told her I moved in with you, and how beautiful the lake is, and how new memories and new people could help me, perhaps”.
Luke was stunned. Everything Glenn had said finally reached his ears and now hung in the air like an invisible guillotine. And then Luke called Glenn’s doctor and she drove to their house, a middle-aged lady in rimmed glasses. She introduced herself as Faith, and it was exactly what she impersonated. It turned out, Faith knew quite a lot about Luke, as Glenn was in a regular contact with her and Luke was the only person with whom he had been associating over the past month. Glenn went to sleep to his bedroom, and Faith came up to Luke who was sitting at the kitchen table.
“Glenn was mistaken he counted on you to make friends with him and take his attention away from that flashbacks of his mother’s death he was constantly getting. Post-traumatic syndrome is hard to overcome. But one can make an effort, and he was willing to do it. I offered him therapy, but Glenn wanted to try and do it on his own. I am just supporting him, guiding through He said you guys didn’t talk much as you were constantly busy around the house”
Luke looked away, his mind racing. The little details he cared so much about, practically worshipped, depended upon, was obsessed with, eventually made up the purpose of his existence. Three puffs. Two songs. Two glasses of milk. Black lighter. No other way around. And the details, other ones, but still small little things, were ruining his roommate’s life step by step, leading him into panic, anxiety, fear, depression. And Luke had never asked, never wondered. While Glenn observed him and longed for communication, for understanding and support.“Glenn told me weird things about you, Luke. Two glasses of milk. Three equally-sized flowers”
Faith’s voice numbed down as Luke noticed that turquoise nail polish on her left thumbnail had come off, while the rest of the nails were perfectly manicured. He started at her thumbnail with pieces of nail polish here and there, and had a sudden urge to stand up and walk out of the room.
She noticed his glance and looked at her thumb. Then reached into her pocket and took her phone out.
“Write down the number”, she said. “I know a nice man who specializes in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. He will help you”.
She smiled, and the October air still rushing through the door did not seem so cold anymore.
