Both paragraphs present the summary of Michael Moore’s “Why Most Students Cheat”. However, the second paragraph does a better job of summarizing the argument as it presents the ideas in the original material. This is shown through the use of second person pronouns in the discussion of each idea. The first summary also refers to Moore as the author of the original material, but the use of “I” in the second sentence arouses confusion as to whose ideas are being discussed in the paragraph.
The second summary is more unified than the first one. It starts by stating the thesis and followed by supporting details to support it. The paragraph ends with a sentence that expresses the same idea. The thesis for the second summary is incomplete and a little difficult to locate as it is in the third sentence. It is preceded by two sentences containing a different idea, and the latter part of the paragraph deviates from the thesis as well.
Cohesion is also achieved by the second summary. The main points are presented in a chronological order and are followed by the supporting points and details. The chronological presentation of ideas helps provide a smooth flow and logical sequence of ideas. The first summary also presents the ideas chronologically. However, they do not flow smoothly as the last two sentences do not relate to all the others in the paragraph.
Although the second paragraph presents a better summary, the first paragraph condenses all crucial ideas in lesser words. It also provides a complete detail of the original material except that they were not presented in a single sentence which would make it easier to understand.
Original: This is shown through the use of “his”, “his essay”, and “he” in the discussion of each idea.
Improved: This is shown through the use of second person pronouns in the discussion of each idea.
Original: The chronological presentation of ideas helps in providing a smooth flow and logical sequence of ideas.
Improved: The chronological presentation of ideas helps provide a smooth flow and logical sequence of ideas.
Original: Although the second paragraph presents a better summary, the first paragraph is able to condense all crucial ideas in lesser words.
Improved: Although the second paragraph presents a better summary, the first paragraph condenses all crucial ideas in lesser words.
The sentences in each of the two groups basically share the same meaning, except for the second sentence in the first group. The first sentence best expresses the idea of the “kick” done on the “dog” by the author in the simplest way. Although the other five are worded differently and are longer than the first one, the main components in the first sentence are present in all five, thereby retaining the idea. The second and third sentences are in passive voice, which means the action is more important than the doer. However, the second sentence does not have the “I” who did the action. Sentences four and five indicate the same idea with the rest of the sentences (except the second) in the group, however the action “kick” is replaced by “delivered” in the fourth sentence, and “received” in the fifth.
Despite sharing the same ideas, the use of sentences in active voice, as in the first sentences in both groups, provides a clear meaning to the readers and is less complicated or wordy compared to the others.
- How he proves his viewpoints lacks responsible validation.
- Mother, I don’t believe that eating breakfast is important.
- There are many kids chewing tobacco nowadays.
- I accidentally dropped the vase when the telephone rang.
Happy Valley generating station wants to announce to its customers and neighbours that at 3:00 am today, a significant amount of material that likely contains radioactivity was accidentally released from the plant’s computer monitored waste ventilation system. This material may affect physical functions of those who are working or residing near the generating system. The company assures that residents and local authorities should not be alarmed as investigation on the causes of the release is already underway. Thank you.
