Cycling, eternally, back and forth;
I break your heart, you break mine.
“How fucking happy is the blameless vestal’s lot” (pope)
Forgetting everything that was once thought
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (pope)
Each wish; each desire born in delight
Each wish; each desire resigned in delight
Row your boat roughly down all the streams
Magically forgetting what the word gentle means
Magically forgetting what anything means
Love is grand isn’t it?
This is a nice start to a poem, I really like the idea and the changing tones. The first two lines are strong and provide a sound introduction. I have created a line break however, as I think the reader needs a short space of time to allow the full effect of the first line to sink in before moving on to the second.
The second stanza is a little confusing. Do you mean that the Pope is speaking lines one and three of the second stanza? If so I think this needs to be demonstrated explicitly to the reader.
The poem needs a bit more clarity, as it isn’t immediately obvious to the reader what the message is. A good start can be to write the poem almost as a piece of prose, to ensure that all of the vital information is in there, and then break it into a poem form.
I might consider avoiding rhyme in the last stanza, or at least making the rhymes ‘slant’ rather than ‘full’.
I have only made changes to the first stanza as, like I say, I am a little unsure of the theme and therefore don’t want to mess with it too much!
I think that adding an extra stanza in after the second might help with clarity, as often in poems problems can arise when the writer tries to fit too many ideas into too few lines.
