9th May, 2011
Revision is very important in helping the reader understand what exactly the writer wanted to say in the first place. The writer is able to tackle all the concerns that he or she forgot to highlight or deal with in the first place.
Revision in any kind of writing is important for it gives the writer a second chance to convince the reader that indeed what he or she did in the first place was not a true reflection of his or her actual knowledge of the subject.
In the first place, the writer did not have the appropriate topic sentences and thesis statements. This interfered with the reader’s ability to comprehend the flow of the text, Revision in v this case enabled the writer to rewrite appropriately what was missing in the first place making it easier for the reader to understand and comprehend the text. Revision therefore ensures that there is cohesion and coherences.
Revision is a very vital tool for ensuring that the whole gist of the text is captured at a glance. The writer is able to see how to make sensible the content of the text by putting together the relevant information needed to bring meaning to the text. All ideas that contribute to meaning are put in there rightful places.
The topic statement
The topic statement in the old version is not appropriate for the work. The topic “war and peace” is not what is meant for discussion. It is supposed to highlight how photography was used during Vietnam War. This topic is not appropriate in the sense that the work is supposed to talk about photography used in Vietnam War and by having such a topic i.e. “war and peace” the writer will be required to discuss the Vietnam war and how peace was later on brought about in Vietnam . Changing the topic to “photography during Vietnam War” will suit the discussion because the writer has examined photography used in the Vietnam War.
The Topic sentence
A topic sentence is supposed to introduce the topic of discussion in any essay. It brings into focus whatever is discussed in the body of the essay. In the old version, the introduction paragraph or topic sentence has placed more emphasis on Vietnam War. For example, the essay explains the cause of the war as well as the impact of the war on the U.S and Vietnam. Though it is appropriate for the topic, but it does not introduce the body of the essay. It is a shift from the topic of discussion which should be how photography was used during the Vietnam War. In the revised version, introductory paragraph has covered the definition of photography and introduced the photography used during Vietnam.
Details supporting the Topic Statement
Supporting sentence n the old version gives detailed examples of some irrelevant events in the Vietnam War. In discussing the impact of photography on the people, the writer of the old version talks about thousands of Americans forming anti-war movements. ‘Nearly 10000 miles from Vietnam, in America, Jan Rose Kasmir, the main character of “Peace March” photograph, joined the protest against the American involvement in Vietnam’. The essay ought to detail issues related to photography and avoid in-depth explanations of events in the Vietnam War. The revised version has taken this into account by excluding such irrelevant scenes which are not on account of photography by then. In the above example the writer would only have talked of the ‘peace march’ photograph which was relevant to the topic of discussion.
Details supporting the Thesis Statement
In the old version, the writer’s analysis of photograph “war is hell” does not clearly bring out the mood in the photograph. The essay is more of a story told on the events that were occurring at that time and not illustrative of the impact of photography. It should have focused on specific elements in the photograph that bring about interpretation of the mood of the photograph. In the revised version, the essay gives a deeper description into the mood of the photographs. For example, “The soldier looking directly into the camera successfully engages the audience, making the photograph more personal and eye-catching”. (Burmaster, 3)
The new version has also clearly explained the deficiency in photography and has tried to develop ways of revealing the hidden story in the photograph.
It is very important for any given text to have cohesion in terms of the ideas represented in the text. The ideas must flow smoothly if one is to make meaning from any given text. In the initial text, the meaning becomes very difficult to derive since the content that supports the given topic sentence do no achieve their functions. The topic sentences describes for instance in the first paragraph, the use of photographs in the Vietnam historic war. The subsequent sentences on the other hand describe something else: they talk about the historic description of the war thereby making there usage inadequate. (Burmaster, 2)
Work cited
Barry, Jan. "Commentary: John Kerry and War Crimes in Vietnam." Vietnam Veterans Against the War. 29 Feb. 2004. Web. 20 Feb. 2011.
Burmaster, Alex. "New Statesman - Shooting Both Sides." New Statesman - Britain's Current Affairs & Politics Magazine. 16 July 2001. Web. 19 Feb. 2011
