This story had a gripping storyline and a strong theme. Most of the improvements I would suggest concern characterisation. In a story such as this, believable characterisation is vital; with some small improvements the story will become much stronger.
One of the first things that bothered me was that I didn’t know the ages of the woman or of the young boy. It is not always necessary to state their exact ages, but readers will appreciate being given some idea. In particular, the age of the little boy is important. The narration seemed to be implying that he was very young, perhaps seven or eight, but then his dialogue made him seem older than that, maybe twelve or thirteen. It is vital that you as a writer know the age of your characters and are certain that their voices are appropriate for their ages and backgrounds.
I liked the route that the story took, i.e. the separation and then reunion of the two characters. I also very much liked the dialogue. Many people shy away from using dialogue but you do not. Once again, when the ages of the pair are clearer the dialogue should feel even stronger.
Another element which could improve the story is to add some more snippets of description. Once again, with reference to the characters, some description of their physical appearances would help readers to get to know them. You don’t need to go into lots of detail; a few short comments about each of them should surface.
Overall, the storyline is a good one. You have a good basis for characterisation but this needs some work to do the piece justice.
Critique of “Blue Eye”
I enjoyed getting to know the main character in this story, particularly regarding his weight loss and changed self-image. However, some elements need to be expanded and revised in order to strengthen the story and make it more reader-friendly.
The title does not do much for the story. A title should provide context in a piece and give readers an idea of what is to come. “Blue Eye” does not give anything away to readers or set any context for the story to come.
While I enjoyed finding out information about the character, such as his high academic ability, I feel that the information was handed to the readers too easily. If you reworked it so that the information was being fed slowly through actual scenes of action and dialogue, the story could be more engaging and the pace more varied.
I was also unsure of how the boy became so self-confident and arrogant. Much of the time, individuals who have previously suffered with weight issues are suffering from low self-confidence. Of course, it is fine for your character to have developed this way, but I think it needs some explanation. Readers would like to know how he came to develop these personality traits, especially as they are at the heart of the story.
I would cut the last paragraph altogether, and end the story with the old man disappearing into the rain. Readers like to have certain elements left to them to work out and conclude. At the moment, it feels like you are handing readers a statement and telling them they ought to agree with it. If you cut this piece, the ending will be much stronger.
