Introduction
We all know how difficult it can be to express you and ensure that we are understood by those, who surround us in our professional environment. Business environment demands respect and high level of tolerance from all of us, outlined by the corporate rules, strategies, culture and the expectations, which are we as peers and our superiors have in this situation. Such expectations make communication process in a way, more structured and easier to adjust to the existing norms and formal rules, set out by organizational hierarchy and cognitive and emotional behavior regulations. Politics and diplomatic tone in our communication are achieved also with the help of internal rules, training, and the limits, which the distance, existing on the personal level between the colleagues, sets in front. While business communication can be extremely effective, it is critical to understand that the nature of these relationships and the interaction process itself is dramatically different from interpersonal communication in a wider social setting and even in our closest group – the family. We have learned a lot about business communication here, in the office, but I am taking an interesting course on interpersonal communication, which opened by eyes on the differences of communication in the family and the complexity, which outlines the relationships of a newly married couple. As we are colleagues and friends, I would like to share with you some of the most important findings and learnings, which I took away for me from this course to the family relationships, and, which, I believe, could be interesting reading for you, as you got recently engaged.
Many authors explore family relationships and communication from social, religious and cultural standpoints, which are interesting, but seemingly distant from the real-life situations and action points, which I would like to bring forward in this letter. The thesis of this discussion is the following: “Interpersonal communication is the fundamental building block of healthy and long-lasting relationships, as the unique depth and breadth of the couple´s relationships is the secret of conflict resolution and lifetime friendship". The point that I would like to make here is that theories and frameworks, suggested by academic field should be translated into the communication tactics, individual and distinct for each couple. Understanding of the major rules and aspects of general intercultural communication, however, can be extremely grateful at the early stages of your marital journey. The aim of each couple is to achieve the following goals: create intimacy, avoid unnecessary and unhealthy fights; solve issues without creating "ego bruises"; and building continuing adoptive relationships.
Principles and barriers of Effective Interpersonal Communication
Considering the above-mentioned goals, I would like to talk about the general principles and barriers in the first place. First of all, it is critical to understand that interpersonal communication is not an option, but a requirement for each of us and family is not an exception. It may seem that it is better not to talk and leave the situation unsolved, hoping that it will "pass" (West and Turner, 2009). In fact, by not communicating orally and openly with our partner, we send a wrong message, perceived as anger, ignorance, intolerance or distance. The truth is that we communication far more with non-verbal communication elements, such as mimics, body posture, eye-contact. Similarly, our partner communicates to us through perceived signals.
Secondly, interpersonal communication demands to understand that "what is out is out". In other words, the process of communication is irreversible. Once said, the message will be delivered, interpreted and diagnosed by the receiver. For better or for worse, most of the interpersonal communication is based on the previous encounters and, while the past is often not the appropriate point of reference, couples cannot avoid using it subconsciously. Stereotyping and generalization are the key barriers to interpersonal communication. With that in mind, one of the important principles, which spouses should consider is the continuous learning not to allow their preconception and previous encounters to stand on a way of expected outcome in the current conversation. Bennet (1979) talks about overcoming a "golden rule", where people see each other through a prism of self and do not allow diversity and outsiders opinion to make effective choices in your interpersonal relationships. Importantly, the author suggests that effective communication and the success of interpersonal relationships, in general, is grounded on empathy. Indeed, many conversations taking place between close people are based on misconceptions, such as believing that we know the subject better and “he or she is wrong” or assuming, that we know other party´s opinion or cognitive response to the situation, and not showing emotions. Spouses should be able to learn about each other and accept the differences and place you in the situation of another person. Only through empathy, which enables experiencing vicariously the feelings, emotions, and ideas of your partner one are able to reach continuous relationships and in-depth understanding of each other.
In modern families, two major aspects affect the interpersonal communication process: culture and technology. It is not possible to ignore culture as one of the potential barriers in building relationships in the family. The reality shows that the concept of culture in communication is multifaceted, involving cognitive and emotional responses of individuals, which explain diversity and conflict in the family Cupach and Spitzberg, 2011). This culture, coupled with the variety of technology and diversity of communication methods in interpersonal relationships explains the endless complexity, grounded on the language, emotion, environment and other elements.
Finally, the context of communication is paramount for any interaction process. The failure to see the context and prepare for the conversation between the spouses can result in misunderstanding and ineffective information flow, creating the "previous encounter', discussed above. The context should be seen from time and location perspectives and it is critical to ensure that both partners do their effort to choose the "right place and the right time" for communication.
The Role of Communication in Building Self-image
Communication is the ability to relate self with another person and build on relationships, which enable understanding and trust. With that in mind, the degree to which you and the spouse can effectively communicate to each other can have the significant influence on self-image and self-concept, leading to self-esteem and respect. The family is the closest social environment and building an effective communication channel is critical for building on personal values and self-esteem. It is evident that communication is one of the main things, impacted by our self-esteem and self-image. Self-concept is the way an individual perceived himself. This concept incorporates the way an individual sees and understands personal cognitive and emotional characteristics. Self-concept therefore is critical for building communication, based on empathy, as the message, sent to a partner through self-concept is essential for mutual understanding. In many ways, self-concept is the result of our relationships and the reflection of other people in your life (West and Turner, 2009). Robinson (1997) differentiates the self-concept on two levels, self-image, and self-esteem. Self-image is a set of personal traits and characteristics, which one believes to possess, while self-esteem is the evaluation of self and the value we assign to "self" as a social element. With that in mind, self-image and self-esteem pay a tremendous role in the way an individual communicates, explaining introvert and extrovert, the role of humor and intonation in verbal communication, appearance attributes as well as non-verbal language, used by a partner.
Lane (2008) gives an in-depth insight into the characterization of self-concept and the role of communication in building this element. The author argues that "the real self is not "I" but "Us", explaining that our personal views and self-concept are built upon opinions and behaviors of other people. This social comparison is created through communication process. In marriage, such communication is more frequent and more multifaceted due to the depth with which spouses share their lives and experiences. Studying self-concept therefore is essential for understanding and applying our strengths and weaknesses, valuing our success and creates a more positive perception of self by others. In couple’s relationships, it is important to avoid masks and false images and ensure that your partner truly knows what you are in your own view. To build positive self-concept and high self-esteem, partners should practice positive attitude toward personal qualities and apply the weaknesses, which create barriers to interpersonal communication. While using the technique of empathy, it is critical to maintaining the unique personal identity and build respect, grounded on understanding the differences and diversity. For this, both partners in the marriage should exercise emotional intelligence and self-disclosure.
Self-Disclosure and Emotional Intelligence
Considering the role of self-concept and the importance of avoiding the "golden rule" in building interpersonal communication, emotional intelligence and self-disclosure become central for family communication. First of all, to understand the role of these elements in the communication process between the spouses, it is critical to define each of them. Emotional intelligence is the ability to think abstractly, based on objective criteria or apply personal knowledge to manipulate the environment of the opponent in the communication process (Drain, 2016). Emotionally intelligent individual is able to identify and manage own emotional and cognitive response to the situation and help the partner to address their emotional background. Such knowledge and skills are the key tools in processing the emotional information, which constitutes a large part of an interpersonal communication process, especially in the close social environment, such as spouse communication. To communicate effectively and address the complexity of conflict situations in the family, partners should be able to transform the emotional information into an effective thinking and problem-solving, which can render positive result and avoid unhealthy fights in the family. Furthermore, individuals with high emotional intelligence can manipulate the context of communication and the situation by applying such knowledge as the type of emotional response to sadness and happiness and the emotional occurrences, resulting from these feelings. This knowledge can truly help a couple to solve their problems and construct the communication process in a practical and engaged manner (Drain, 2016).
Schwartz (2011) defines self-disclosure as a process of purposeful communication in which one or another individual open up to each other, sharing information about themselves. There is a variety of self-disclosure theories, including Social Penetration Theory, Social Comparison Theory and others. Social Penetrations Theory looks at self-disclosure as a core mechanism for getting to know another person. The depth and breadth of the relationships between spouses depend on the level of self-disclosure, accepted by each of the partners. It is important to recognize that self-disclosure concerns various aspects of our life and can include feelings and emotions as well as actions and thoughts. Many couples do not recognize the role of multifaceted disclosure, especially on the emotional level and stuck on the superficial level, where cognitive behavior is well known, but emotional response continues being part of the sympathetic response of the partner, applying personal stand view, rather than truly understanding the spouse. With that in mind, self-disclosure and emotional intelligence come side by side, as the more depth and breadth, a couple creates in their communication, the more emotions and feelings they have to manage in their communication process. Developing emotional intelligence skills and communication techniques, therefore, is an essential element of interpersonal relationships in the family. Conflict resolution and mutually beneficial communication process should be based on a number of techniques and strong dedication from both sides.
Communication Techniques for Conflict Resolution
Conflict is a normal part of healthy relationships and is often a characteristic of loving and strong couples. Conflict avoidance technique will never render the result, as long as couples understand how to deal with conflict situations and listen to each other to turn a difference in opinions in a positive occurrence. Robinson (1997) notes that learning to deal with the conflict, rather than avoiding it is crucial for relationships as it allows building the stronger bond between the partners. Several major principles of conflict should be considered to draw on effective conflict resolution techniques. First of all, most conflicts are more than just a disagreement, as couples perceive the difference in opinion as a threat. Secondly, conflict continues to grow bigger, when it is ignored. Thirdly, conflicts always trigger strong emotions and feelings. Finally, conflicts are an opportunity to strengthen the relationships and supply the weaknesses of spouses in communication.
One of the interesting ways of looking at self and improving personal interpersonal communication skills is the Johari´s Window framework, which allows analyzing the degree of openness of an individual in the interpersonal communication process (Schwartz, 2011). Understanding self is the first major step in successful and effective communication and potential excellence in conflict resolution skills through communication techniques. The ways in which couples seek to resolve conflicts can have the significant impact the interpersonal relationships as a whole.
Gender and Culture in Communication
Diversity is the core characteristic of social environment. With the development of technology, communication techniques, growing mobility of individuals and other external influences on the relationships and the concept of family, the diversity is becoming more and more challenging. In couple relationships, it is critical to understand that interaction is grounded on the fundamental differences on cultural and gender level. Gender defines the individual characteristics of men and women and their different psychological structures. Culture, on the other hand, involves such elements as differences determined by religion, world view, hierarchy and family structures and other aspects, which build on the social norms and informal rules.
Theory of personality by Weinberg and Gould (1999) suggest all individuals present a set of characteristics or their blend, which make a person unique. The theory does not only focus on gender differences but outlines the complexity of relationships and communication based on the fact that apart from gender, personal differences make the communication and understanding more challenging. With that in mind, both, men and women have unique psychological structures, making it difficult to make social comparisons. Importantly, emotional differences between a man and a woman can bring significant diversity in the way a couple sees the competitive drive, emotional involvement in the conflict and ability to control self. Such elements, as maternal instinct, emotional investment of a woman in her home, inborn temperament are all significant for evaluation of the communication and relationships building styles between partners in the couple.
Understanding the cultural differences is essential for building strong relationships between the partners. It is critical that both partners are aware of the traditions, family structure, education, religious beliefs and other aspects, which constitute the unique profile of their loved one. Significant time and effort should be given to building this knowledge and self-disclosure and sincere interest of both is the key to success. Without this awareness of the fundamental cultural differences between the couple, effective communication is not possible.
Conclusion
This discussion was grounded on the following statement: "Interpersonal communication is the fundamental building block of healthy and long-lasting relationships, as the unique depth and breadth of the couple´s relationships is the secret of conflict resolution and lifetime friendship". I strongly believe that couples who understand the importance of communication, emotional intelligence and the role of continuous learning about each other and self-disclosure are the ones who remain strong throughout their life and can effectively respond and adapt to the changing external environment and personal evolution. The communication process is a complex concept, involving both parties. Emotions and feelings, gender and cultural differences will always challenge your relationships. At the end of the day, a couple is the unique and the strongest social cell, which should give a feeling of bond and belong to each other. This can be reached through a process of dialogue, self-awareness and genuine interest in one another. Avoiding and hiding from differences are the recipes for failures and I recommend focusing on the development of emotional intelligence skills and empathy from the outset of this young relationships.
References
Robinson, J. (1997). Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More . San Francisco: Conari Press.
West, R. and Turner, L.H. (2009). Understanding Interpersonal Communication: Making Choices in Changing Times. London: Cengage Learning.
Bennet, M. J. (1979). Overcoming The Golden Rule: Sympathy and Empathy. Communication Yearbook.
Cupach, W.R. and Spitzberg, P.H. (2011). The Dark Side of Close Relationships II. London: Routledge Publishing.
Lane, S.D. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: Competence and Contexts. London: Allen & Bacon Publishing.
Drain, A. (2016). Every Body Is Talking: Building Communication Through Emotional Intelligence and Body Language Reading. New York: AuthorHouse.
Schwartz, A.D. (2011). A Primer on Communication and Communicative Disorders. San Franciso: Pearson Education.
Weinberg, R. S., & Gould, D. (1999). Personality and sport. Foundations of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 3(1), 25-46.
