Profressor Name
Premarital sex among those living together in a cohabitation has long been a moral concern that many parents and religious people have minded themselves with. Even though the stigma of premarital sex and cohabitation before married has very much faded and waned over the years, the mental health and family planning concerns that come with the subject have amplified in nature give the increase out of wedlock birth rate and the complications of trying to persist with a serious and cohabitating relationship in spite of a marriage not being part of the proverbial equation. The general subject described above shall be explored in the clinical, counseling and pastoral sense given that this is the desired perspective for this report. A literature review shall be done to thorough summarize and review the scholarly and theological perspectives on the subject. While it is indeed possible to remain responsible and proper-minded when it comes to premarital sex and cohabitation, the path and behavior is fraught with a lot of moral and mental health concerns that must be taken very seriously and both of the partners involved need to make choices for the right reasons.
As noted in the introduction, the stigma and outlier perspective of living together in absence of marriage and having premarital sex concurrent to that is much more common than it used to be. It has always been present to some degree but the openness and honesty that is portrayed both to clinicians as well as the general public used to be much more muted due to the judgements and aspersions cast when it comes to people that live in such a way. This is not to say that such people, past or present, should be considered immoral or evil. Rather, it has to be understood and recognized that there are heavy implications to living together even with the concept of traditional marriage. Throwing in the fact that marriage is not a factor (at least not yet) and the prospect of commitment being in question for one or both partners makes a complicated situation all the more worse. Even so, there are some general guidelines and pathways that can be followed from a pastoral and/or counseling perspective when it comes to giving advice and counsel to people that are considering such a situation or that are already in such a situation. Indeed, there is the concept to many people that is known as strategic marital cohabitation. Indeed, there should be some sort of calculus or rationale to why one should or should not live with their partner. Even if it is a rapidly growing phenomenon, this does not mean that all people engage in such arrangements for the right reasons. One cause for concern that many people find is that the “wrong reasons” are apparently present entirely too much due to the ostensibly higher (if not much higher) divorce rates that are seen with people that cohabitate before eventually getting married. Beyond that, the “exit costs” that are seen from the different partners in these splitting relationships seems to be wildly asymmetrical. This makes sense given that many of the relationships in question start on similar terms as well. Indeed, there are reasons and factors that play into whether people do or do not live together prior (or instead of) marriage and economic factors are commonly among them .
One thing that is important to keep in mind are the perceptions and reasoning that young adults tend to use and employ when it comes to considering or entering cohabitating relationships. Also important to keep in mind is how accepting the younger adults are when it comes to cohabitating and premarital sex as compared to prior generations and such. Indeed, the attitudes of Millennials, just as one example, will tend to be different (if not much different) than with Generation X or the Baby Boomers. In terms of the Millennials and their perspective when it comes to cohabitating and premarital sex, it has been found that young adults that feel and think that emerging adulthood is a time to prepare for family roles down the road was negatively associated with cohabitation while those that felt that emerging adulthood is a time to take risks was positively associated with cohabitation and other non-marital living arrangements. This would make sense because even though there is a broader acceptance of non-traditional living arrangements, there is still a risk associated with the practice and the scholarly data that covers the same subject would seem to very much align with this perception. It is not as if the practice is just condemned and maligned with no rationality behind it, at least not all of the time .
When it comes to the religious and pastoral perspective, the common refrain that is prone to come out is that premarital sex in general, let alone non-marital cohabitation, is not the proper moral choice or behavior. There is the assertion by many that entering into such a heavy and significant relationship without fully thinking it through ahead of time and offering the proper commitments is less than wise. Indeed, having children or otherwise entangling one’s lives together so completely is generally not a good idea in general but there are many people that do precisely that despite the known risks and stigmas that come with doing so. To suggest, however, that such a paradigm only exists in the United States is less than accurate. This pattern has been (and should be) explored in other countries like Kenya and Nigeria. When it comes to the latter of those two countries, it has been assessed whether there is a changing in timing when it comes to sexual initiation with younger Muslim and Christian women in that country. Generally, the statistics and findings in Nigeria are a mixed bag. There is an increase in premarital sex but that seems to be correlated with an increase in average marital age. In other words, there is more premarital sex but this seems to be because, at least in part, the age of people getting married has creeped up. Something else that has been found is that the media is playing a part in influencing and changing the mindsets about sex in Nigeria. This has raised concerns and quarrels with some people in the scholarly sphere. At the same time, Christian women in particular in Nigeria seem to be holding fast with their current patterns, at least for the last decade or so. It would seem that there are indeed some shifts here and there when it comes to sexual behavior and cohabitation patterns. However, there are some sects and demographics that seem to be standing fast more so than would be commonly expected given what all is going on in the media, societal and religious spheres of the cultures and countries in question .
Even with the commitment and moral cautions that come with a non-marital cohabitation and premarital sex situation, it is wise for there to be encouragement and counsel offered to those that are in such situations or that are considering the same. Rather than be spurned or condemned, the people in question should be encouraged to discuss their fears, their expectations and their questions about their relationship, their life’s path and beyond. Much of this is already in motion but there are mixed results based on the gender of the person in question. Per a journal article published in September 2016, there are some real myths and facts that have to be known and considered when it comes to what is “real” and what is actually inaccurate. One thing that really does help is a proper education of students at a high school level. What is taught and when can be extreme controversial but leaving a void when it comes to such things is rather irresponsible and fraught with issues. For those that did go through a battery of classes and lessons, some revelations and results have made themselves clear. It has been found that such curriculums increase the knowledge and awareness of positive relationship concepts and there is a positive impact on the attitudes of students when it comes to their willingness to be involved in both premarital counseling as well as post-marital counseling. Even if they eventually go through with such arrangements, there is also an increased awareness and perception of cohabitation and premarital sex situations and dynamics. In general, there would seem to be an additional amount of avoidance of premarital cohabitation rather than an increase that many parents and pastoral personnel surely fear and wish to avoid. This can and should put policymakers and practitioners on notice that knowledge and awareness often leads to young adults making better decisions when it comes to sex, marital planning and family planning .
Just one vital and important concern when it comes to pre-martial cohabitation versus married life is identity. Indeed, there are many that assert that there are clear differences that emerge and exist between the two types of relationships. Regardless of whether marriage is in the equation or not, it is clear that there are some complex processes and considerations when it comes to two people living together. It has been found that both marriage and cohabitation facilitate a good amount of personal growth even if the end results of the relationship is not positive in the long term. Something interesting that was found is that marriage in particular seems to lead to a loss of personal identity as compared to relationships that are non-marital yet cohabitating in nature. Indeed, there would to be something to the idea of “two becoming one” when it comes to people that get married. Even so, there are many that struggle with this fusing and melding and the proverbial jury is absolutely out when it comes to how best to deal with such a happenstance if and when it arises .
Another consideration when it comes to cohabitation relationships, even more so than married relationships, is the question of equity and equality. Such concerns and questions are very important because the normal rights of inheritance, succession and so forth that are present with married relationships are commonly lesser or often absent in relationships that are less official and legal. This holds true in many countries around the world and one such country is the United Kingdom. In both England and Wales, there have been many legal and similar questions as to how to handle legal situations that involved cohabitating couples. One sterling example of why this matters a great deal is what happens when the relationship terminates. For example, if one person in the relationship buys a car and the car is in that person’s name, they would typically retain the rights to the car and the accrued equity even if the other person in the relationship contributed some or a lot of funds and resources to the maintenance and paying off of the car. The same is often true of homes and other assets. Unless there is some sort of binding contract or arrangement other than getting married and/or the comingling of assets, someone who has contributed a great deal in terms of money and resources can literally be left with nothing if the relationship suddenly halts. It is just another reason to carefully consider whether and to what degree to engage someone in absence of a legal marriage .
One thing that is clear when it comes to both sex before marriage and cohabitation is the guidance (or lack thereof) bestowed by the parents of the people involved. The manner and degree to which some people have departed from the prior-held facets of morality and religious guidance has been much more prominent in some places as compared to others. An example of a place where cohabitation is much more the norm than other places is in Europe. Increasingly, marriage is supplanted by cohabitation or it is at least preceded by the same. Further, it has been found that cohabitation among young people seems to have a strong correlation and effect on the relationship that those same young adults have with their parents. Indeed, the quality, depth and breadth of these relations seem to be linked to some degree. Something else that is important to pay attention to is what happens in situations and cultures where the acceptance of non-marital cohabitation is rather low. A European example of this phenomenon would be Poland. There is a strong commitment among many people in that country to marriage and against non-marital cohabitation. Beyond that, there is a strong culture of familial and similar bonds that are strongly enforced and clung to in that country. Even in such countries and cultural situations, there is absolutely a counter-culture that embraces and sticks to cohabitation and pre-marital sex situations despite the prevailing culture and influence brought to bear by the dominant morality of the country’s people .
A related subject when it comes to the above is what happens, similarly or not, from one generation to another. As one might expect, the history and stability of a person’s family will in large part influence their behaviors and choices when they themselves come of age. However, it is not always clear or obvious why certain patterns repeat themselves. Indeed, it could be because of good or bad habits being replicated from one generation to the next. However, it could also be that people make choices based on stability (or lack thereof) and/or economic concerns. Indeed, one of the upsides to living with one’s partner, married or not, is that there are typically two incomes (or the ability to earn two incomes) rather than each person having to fend for themselves. Even, it is not fair to assume from a clinical or any other sense that one generation’s mistakes and misdeeds will be visited on the next. For example, single motherhood and maternal cohabitation are apparently not strong predictors of teenage cohabitation in stable households. However, it has been found that individual poverty and the residence of a family marked by disruption are indeed involved with an influence on single motherhood. Further, it is apparent that maternal bonds influence both maternal cohabitation and adolescent cohabitation. Such patterns reflect a strong suggestion that there is generational transmission of habits and outcomes. Indeed, it is proof of the adage “the apple does not fall far from the tree” .
Another factor that is part of the premarital sex and cohabitation discussion, whether everyone is aware of it or not, is skin tone. Indeed, race and ethnicity is something that reveals variations and differing attitudes and norms when comparing and contrasting people of different demographic groups and cliques. In short, there are those that suggest or assert that there is more positive attitudes towards marriage and negative attitudes towards the idea that cohabitation is associated with risky sex. Beyond that, there will be differing results and outcomes based on the race or ethnicity of the person or people that are being focused on. It was found that there was a consistent and strong “dampening effect” on risky sexual behavior when it came to light-skin African-Americans and Asians but this was much less true when it came to darker-skin African-Americans. Further, it was found that skin tone was a fairly strong predictor of behaviors and traits such as number of sexual partners over time, the number of concurrent sexual partners and so forth. This is not something that should be allowed to reinforce stereotypes (good or bad) or lead people to make broad assumptions about groups. Just as with all of the other statistics and summaries in this report, this is just the trends and patterns that are commonly seen in certain groups .
Another layer of the proverbial onion that should be considered when looking at the counseling and pastoral implications of cohabitating is how older adults are reacting to the trends of today. To add to that just a little bit, it could be looked at whether older adults themselves are part of the cohabitating and pre-marital/non-marital sex patterns mentioned throughout this report. As far as the general attitudes and perceptions about these behaviors and life choices, it was assessed how people 50 or older perceived them. This was done in a longitudinal way in 1994, 2002 and 2012. Indeed, there has been a favorable shift about the subject over time. It is to the point that nearly half of older adults supported the lifestyle choice as of 2012. This has been a huge change since the same number was a mere 20 percent in 1994. Even so, this was due more to cohort replacement rather than cohort change. In other words, the shift is largely due to prior people in the age group passing on and new people entering the demographic. In short, people with more permissive attitudes are coming into that age bracket and supplanting the people of the past that had more traditional and dialed back attitudes about the subject .
There are indeed some clear takeaways and lessons to be learned from the sources mentioned above. First, protecting and shielding teens and young adults from lessons and teachings often harms them more than helps them. Second, generational repetition is often eventual if the proper lessons are not learned. Lastly, parents and clinicians should focus on assistance rather than judgement or moral condemnation.
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