Life is full of uncertainties and it’s never obvious when one is to lose a loved one. Coping with death is not an easy task even though people have been bereaved since time immemorial and have generally recovered. Every loss is unique on its own kind. Besides, every individual is unique, thus grief experiences varies remarkably from one individual to another. While some people experience normal grief reactions and cope well, others experience more severe grief reactions and may take too long to recover. This paper focuses on the grief experience of Ruth Fuller, a 34-year old mother of three, who lost her husband and all the three children in one of the most horrible ways. The paper explores Fuller’s emotional, physical and spiritual reactions towards her loss. It focuses on the grief theories, and analyses the interventions according to the counseling processes in the theoretical and intervention aspects of bereavement, loss and grief in professional social work practice.
Background of the case
The story of Fuller family deaths was shocking news that broke the hearts of many. The story caught the attention of most media houses including BBC, The Daily Mail, The Sun, and ITV, among others. It was the story of a father who killed his three children before killing himself. Ceri Fuller, a 35-year old father of three - Sam Fuller, aged 12 and sisters Rebecca, eight, and Charlotte, seven (Salkeld et al., 2012) - is believed to have stabbed his three children to death in a wooded area in Pontesbury Hill, before jumping to his death from an 80 feet cliff at a nearby disused quarry (Salkeld et al., 2012). This dreadful tragedy touched and wounded so many hearts (NML, July 20, 2012) including the children’s grandparents, schoolmates, family, friends, and the entire nation. To Ruth Fuller, the wife to Ceri Fuller and the mother of the three children, this was not just a tragedy; it was the loss of everything: her family, her friends, her world, and above all, her love and happiness. No word could describe her loss or her feelings. The pain was too much that could not be put in words. In her own words: “I don't have the words to describe how I feel at the moment All I would ask is that I be left alone to grieve.” (Crick, 2012; Salkeld et al., 2012; ITV, 2012).
Every grief is accompanied by series of reactions, and Ruth’s was not an exception. She went through intense emotional pain including sadness, confusion, helplessness, despair, anger, isolation, frustration, and guilt. Ruth lost her husband, whom she publicly declared was “the love of her life” and “utterly hers” (Crick, 2012). She referred to him as “My Obi-Wan” (Salkeld et al., 2012). This demonstrates how much Ruth loved her husband, and how terrible the pain of losing the husband was. Ceri was not just a husband; he was a man who loved his wife, worshiped his family, and worked tirelessly to support the family (NML, July 20, 2012). He and the wife together raised their children in an environment of joy, love, and laughter, teaching them responsibility. He was loving, caring, and understanding. What a great man! Based on the description of Ruth’s husband, it’s beyond doubt that she couldn’t react any better following the husband’s death. Ruth lost a real man; a man any woman would wish to have as a husband.
Besides the husband, Ruth lost three children who were exceptionally beyond compare. Sam is described as a boy who was astoundingly intelligent and with sophisticated sense of humor. He was extremely ambitious and wanted to become a comic writer, a journalist, a globetrotting adventurer, an astronaut, a film-maker, a superhero, a base-jumper, and an engineer. Rebecca was artistic and articulate. She was perfectly like her mother. Like her brother, Rebecca was beginning to show signs of intelligence and acute sense of humor (NML, July 20, 2012). Ruth and Rebecca had a very special bond between them; the love of mother and daughter. Charlotte, the youngest child, was extroverted and assertive. At the age of 4, she had become interested in another little boy and demanded to get married. She was never shy of demonstrating her love and affection. To her, everything was fun and she never stopped laughing. These are the children whose deaths have left Ruth in intense emotional, physical and spiritual pain. In her last tribute to the three children, Ruth said that her children had given her more joy than can be expressed when they were alive. To her, the children were a source of inspiration and comfort; and their strength of character, loving nature, wonderful capacity for joy, and faith in themselves, guided her in every step (NML, October 29, 2012). Losing such wonderful people in one of the most horrible deaths explains Ruth’s reactions. She was sad, helpless, desperate, and frustrated.
Ruth was very confused and angry due to the fact that it was the children’s father who committed the inhumane act. The man “loved his children dearly and were the focal point of his life" (BBC, 2012). His relationship with them was based on “gentleness, involvement and attentive nurturing” (BBC, 2012) and he brought them up in an environment of love. Imagining how Ceri could perform such a tragic act to the people he loved most is not only confusing to Ruth but to everyone else. It is just natural to be angry with such a man, and Ruth’s reactions are justified.
Even though Ruth was sad, confused, and angry with her husband, she could not run away from guilt. She was guilty of partly contributing to the act. It’s believed that all these happened because of a family problem and a misunderstanding between Ruth and her husband. According to the detectives, it was a “tragic family situation” that led to the tragic act (Salkeld et al., 2012). After the husband and children went missing, Ruth was worried, anxious, and guilty. According to the witnesses, her behavior triggered some curiosity. She had never behaved in such an odd manner before, and her family “never caused any trouble.” The family was very quiet and they “kept themselves to themselves” (Salkeld et al., 2012). Not even Ceri’s parents or Ruth’s parents new a thing. All were confused and couldn’t fathom, or even imagine how “a gentle, sensitive and intelligent man, who loved his children dearly” performed the act; only the wife could tell. Even though not documented, Ruth must have been under pressure to disclose what actually happened. This could not do any more than cause more guilt. With all these, Ruth could not ask more that “to be left alone to grieve.”
In order to recovery from this tragedy and come to terms with the reality, Ruth needed serious intervention including comfort, compassion and support.
Exploration of the grief theories
Grieving basically defines personal and group response to loss, especially the loss of a loved one (Raphael, 1994; Walter, 1999). It is a universal experience to lose a loved one, and every person must experience it at some point in life. The experience can potentially displace an individual from the normal course of life. The process of grieving is to experience the pain caused by the loss, and then accept the reality and struggle to regain some equilibrium. It involves the emotional upheavals and the coping responses which includes an active interpretation of the loss and addressing it adequately. Grieving is a private and personal affair; however, it participates in the social context described by the conventional mores and expectations. In the religious context of grief; the religious support, the guidance of shared faith, and the prayers, all guide the grieving process and accelerates the recovery. Discussed hereunder are the grief theories.
Freud’s Grief Theory
This theory focuses on personal attachment. The theory highlights that when individuals grieve, they search for the lost attachment. Freud defined grief as an experience that normally follows a usual course but could potentially lead to serious psychological impacts if the bereaved failed to emotionally detach from the deceased. According to this theory, healthy recovery requires the severing (detachment) of the emotional bonds with the dead and a return to the normal (pre-loss) functioning. Therefore, if a bereaved person fails to detach the emotional bonds with the deceased, then the result would be a pathological condition called melancholia. When “reality testing” fails and “hallucinatory wishful psychosis” persists, the result is melancholia (Wright and Hogan, 2008).
Melancholia is a deep presentation of depression which involves an entire loss of pleasure in all or most of the things. The mourning process helps in rebuilding an individual’s inner world through experiencing the severe pain of loss that revives the loving affect of the deceased (AIPC, 2010). The bereaved individuals can lose their sense of identity. According to this theory, when grieving, the bereaved detaches from the multiple attachments involved in the formation of a relationship (AIPC, 2010). When the bereaved accepts the loss, the ego accommodates the loss, and the person searches for new attachments. The attachment between Ruth and her children was very strong and breaking the emotional bond wasn’t easy. For Ruth to accept the reality of the loss, much time, support, and comfort was needed.
Lindemann’s Grief Theory
This theory is based on the acute grief reactions experienced by people bereaved through natural causes, disasters, and wars. According to this theory, a normal response to loss includes somatic disturbances, guilt, hostility, disorganized behavior, loss of warmth in relationships, and preoccupation with the image of the deceased (Wright and Hogan, 2008). The abnormal grief reactions include delay in grief response and distorted grief responses. The psychological and physiological syndromes include altered social relationships, self-destructive behavior, hostility, agitated depression (such as tension, self-blame, and insomnia), and ulcerative colitis. In order to recover successfully from the grief, an individual needs to break from the emotional attachment to the deceased. This theory makes it possible to understand that Ruth’s response to the loss was normal.
Both Freud’s and Lindemann’s grief theories were rationally generated. The theories have not been tested systematically for validity.
Bowlby’s Attachment Theory
This theory is based on conclusions from empirical evidence. It focuses on how the intensity of the grief is influenced by the type of the attachment that the bereaved had to the deceased. The theory describes a series of phases through which the bereaved person experiences grief reactions and reach recovery.
In phase one, the bereaved person experiences numbness and shock, exhibits outbursts of very intense distress and anger, and is unable to fathom the full impact of the loss. Numbness blunts the emotions, and is characterized by the feeling of disbelief. This provides the bereaved person with some temporary relief from pain associated with the loss (AIPC, 2010). In phase two, the bereaved person searches and yearns for the return of the deceased. Searching and yearning involves the realization of loss and is characterized by anger, frustration, crying, anxiety, self-reproach, confusion, and loss of security. Phase three is characterized by disorganization and despair (Wright and Hogan, 2008). The bereaved accepts the reality of the loss and all the consequences of the loss. The bereaved must learn to bear life without the deceased. In phase four, the bereaved begins to reorganize and recover. Successful completion of the four phases of grief helps in avoiding untoward effects of the separation-induced depressive symptoms (Wright and Hogan, 2008).
The reaction of Ruth can perfectly be explained using this theory. When she received the shocking news of the loss, she had a feeling of disbelief. Her reactions thereafter included sadness, confusion, despair, anger, guilt, frustration, isolation and helplessness; the reactions associated with phase 2 of this theory. In her last tribute to her children, Ruth is clearly seen to have accepted the reality as she tries to recover from the loss. In her own words: “My children have remained a source of comfort and inspiration to me throughout this; their strength of character, faith in themselves, loving natures and wonderful capacity for joy continue to guide me as they always have” (NML, October 29, 2012). She has accepted the loss and its consequences, and learns to bear life without the children.
Parkes Grief Model
According to Parkes theory, grief is a series of shifting pictures that come and go. Grief is not experienced uniformly because of the uniqueness of bereaved individuals and variation in the type of loss. Every grief experience is individualized. This theory also helps in understanding Ruth’s grief. The shifting of pictures describes the phases of grief. The phases include numbness, pining, disorganization and despair, and recovery (Wright and Hogan, 2008), as discussed in the attachment theory.
Kubler-Ross Grief Theory
This theory greatly helps in understanding our own emotional reactions and other people’s reactions to trauma and change, irrespective of the cause (Kubler-Ross, 1969). It is not limited to death and bereavement. Initially, the theory was developed to explain the experience of people with terminal illness. Currently, the theory is widely used to explain the grief process.
This theory postulates that grief is not a linear process, and most people do not go through the grief stages in an orderly manner. The five stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1969). In the denial stage, the bereaved is consciously or unconsciously refusing to accept the reality of the loss. It is similar to the numbness phase of the attachment theory. It is a natural and universal process that is used as a defense mechanism by all individuals. The anger stage manifests in various ways. The bereaved can express anger towards the deceased or get angry with themselves. Considering Ruth’s case, it’s obvious that Ruth expressed all these types of anger. She was angry with her deceased husband for killing the innocent children. Besides, she was angry with herself for being indirectly responsible for her husband’s dreadful action. The bargaining stage involves spiritual beliefs and faith of the bereaved. The depression stage is characterized by the feeling of sadness, fear, regret, and uncertainty, among others. It shows that the individual is gradually accepting the reality of the loss. The final stage is the acceptance, which symbolizes objectivity and detachment from the emotional bonds. During this stage, the grieved person begins to come to terms with the loss, as he/she makes an effort to continue with life despite the absence of the loved one. Both the depression and acceptance stages are witnessed in Ruth’s case as she expresses her emotional reactions and then comes to terms with the reality.
An analysis and evaluation of the interventions
Although various theories have been developed, the intervention should be based on the use of empirically derived and tested theories. In my case, I would apply the theories that provide explanations, such as the Grief to Personal Growth Theory and the Experiential Theory of Bereavement. I would be more alert for the statements that indicate positive outcomes. Such statements not only indicate that the bereaved is recovering, but also provide important indications of healing.
When offering care and comfort to the grieved, my first task would be to ensure that the grieved accepts the reality of the loss (Worden, 1983; Worden, 1999). Even though emotional acceptance is difficult and sometimes insurmountable, the bereaved eventually develops it after an intellectual acceptance that the loss actually occurred. My second task would be to help the individual work through the pain of grief (Worden, 1983; Worden, 1999). Ignoring the pain does more harm than good; so, I would encourage the bereaved to actively face the pain, including anger, guilt, sadness, and other feelings resulting from the loss. The third task would be to help the victim adjust to the reality of the loss (Worden, 1983; Worden, 1999). This would include helping her realize the roles that were played by the deceased, and devising the best strategies to fulfill those roles in the absence of the deceased. Even though very difficult, Ruth’s internal adjustment would include adjusting from being a mother to being childless, and from being a wife to a widow. With a lot of encouragement and support, I believe this is possible.
Another intervention would be the inclusion of the concept of ongoing attachment (continuing bond) (White, 1988; Klass et al., 1996). Since Ruth loved the children so much and believed that they would always be in her heart, it is irrational to believe that she would forget them. I would encourage her to develop memorials for them.
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