Response letter
Ellie, in hope to help you and find a solution to your problem, I will explore some of the concepts of interpersonal and intrapersonal theories of communication. After serious and long contemplation, I found your letter and the issues that you have stated here so much similar with issues of most of people that are our age. As interpersonal communication is one of the most widely spread forms of communication and the basic form of human communication, it can be understood as the sequence of intrapersonal communication and its mediator in the message reception in the process of mass comunication. It is obvious that there is a certain discrepancy beetween you and your parents and it is up to you to find the best possible solution by identifiend the type of problem and gap in you mutual communication.
Nowadays, there are so many theories that deal with this type of communication issues. It seems to me that your parent don't recognize your body language. Long ago, Green (1984) proposed his initial verson of action assemble thory. The purpose and ultimat goal of this thory was to specify the mechanisms by which indivduals produce verbal and non-verbal behavioral outputs during their interaction with others. Non-verbal communication and behaiour is as much important as the verbal one. Non-verbal communication expresses feelings, moods, personality traits and interpersonal attitudes (attitude toward the other: sympathy, aversion, interest, indifference). Non-verbal messages have more influence on respondents than verbal; when do not match, people are increasingly relying on non-verbal message, they believe more the non-verbal message, as the verbal content in such a situation ignored (this is especially applied to children and young people as they, due the lack of verbal repertoire, then rely more on non-verbal messages).
You find your home as your shelter and your parents do not see and realize that it like you do. You understand what kind of communication and behaviour verbal and non-verbal is required from you when you are in the situations at work and out with your friends because you are bound to act in a way that society expects from you. You are biologically predisposed to adapt social interaction patterns and melt into the way of behaving in these situations. You behave in a manner that the sourandings expects you to, regardless of your inner state and feeleings may be. It is even more difficult when you work with someone who you do not like or if you have to do a job that you find difficult or boring. You try so much to hide your emotions and when you are at home your parents see you behaviour as something rude. As Fortner stated "communication is a sybolic activity involving the use of language. Even when what is communicated occurs witout the exolicite use of words, language is involved. It is through language that we understand or make sence of what we encounter"( Fortner, p.11).
obstacles appaer in the communication between you. It is obvious that you are not capable or willing to reveil your emotional state to your parent due to the fact that you do not think that they will understand you. On the other hand, your quilt because of that forces you to deal and recognize this problem, because you are aware that you are unintentionally hurting them. Different obstacles (barriers) appear in interpersonal communication that reduces its efficiency and effectiveness. These barriers are divided into three groups of problems: mechanical, semantic and psychological barriers. Mechanical barriers are blocking communication in the physical sense. The obstacle may be noise or damage to physical devices. Semantic barriers are related to misuse of the word problem. Communication delays may occur due to misunderstanding of the meaning of a word, the inability to adequately communicate the intended message or because of unknown codes, respectively, or language conversion. Psychological barriers, the most frequently presented in practice, shape the content of what is communicated, and interpret messages in the feedback mode. Many people are poor listeners and this is not surprising, because listening requires an intellectual effort, and it is often more tiring than a speech. "Listening is at the heart of communicative development, since the child has to learn to listen before learning to speak, in this sense, listening is fundamental skill and the foundation for other communication skills" (Hargie, p.179). Active listening involves listening to the full meaning, no premature judgments or interpretations, and requires a heightened concentration. The average person uses usually says 150-200 words in one minute, while the average listener during the same period of time can realize up to 400 words, and this difference undoubtedly leaves a lot of spare time and opportunities for the mind wandering. Option that is available for the promotion of active listening and empathy is putting in a position information sender and presenting a very useful strategy. Since recipients differ in attitudes, interests, motives, needs and expectations, empathy facilitates understanding of the actual message content. Due to the presented fact, I would suppose that your parents are poor listeners. They see you as their child and have learned, during your childhood, to shear your experiences with you. However, the message that you are trying to give is that you don’t want to present them you emotions and that you need time to yourself. They should use and understand the feedback that you are giving them. Using feedback can overcome misunderstandings that threaten the verbal and nonverbal interpersonal communication. Typical way of using feedback is, in fact, asking questions: “Did you understand what I told you?''. The answer should not consist only of one word, YES, usually that would be a good feedback. Therefore, a good feedback is not gaining just by asking questions directly to the recipient, but also more subtle methods have to be used - for example, the requirement that the recipient summarizes the entire message. Active listening is actively seeking ways between communicators and listeners to be involved in thinking. Hearing is a passive process because, to "hear someone'' and, "listening to someone'' are not synonymous. That is why you should present your parents with these facts so that they should listen more carefully your body and language talk. Apart from that, you should ask yourself is you are giving them the right message that clearly demonstrates your wishes.
Emotions are very important part of our communication. They can be expressed verbally and non-verbally. In order to clearly present what we feel, these two have to be harmonized, in the same manner. A lot of issues that arise in communication occur as a consequence of badly harmonized messages. We express with our words one message, while on the other hand we express completely opposed emotion with our face and body language. The ability to express emotion depends on the awareness of our emotions, in what quantity we accept them as such and our ability to express them properly. When we have a lack of expressing our emotions, the confusion begins. For example if you say: "You are a fool!" meaning, "You are putting me in an awkward position", it is possible that a person who is listener misinterprets that sentence. This indirect way of expressing emotions is common. However, indirect emotions expressing gives a listener the wrong message. Apart from that, our remarks can often insult the person that they are meant for. Everything that we say expresses some kind of our emotion. Ellie, it is important to stand in from of your parents and clearly express your emotions so that you wouldn’t feel bad. If you receive a positive feedback from your parents then it is a clear sign that you have done a good job. Feedback gives us an opportunity to learn more about ourselves and the effects that our behavior has on others (in this case your parents). Feedback can be positive or negative and constructive or destructive. If a person who sent the message cannot check how it was received, then an unsuccessful communication appears. In order to have and receive feedback, message giver has to adjust its way of communication. Open communication is a successful communication. My suggestion is to try and distinguish what kind of communication ways you use towards your parents and try to change them that so that you could receive a positive feedback.
Communication is the basic thing in our society. "Communication is a dynamic, symbolic process by which people in dialogue construct the meanings and share the emotions through which they understand, value and live in society, and by which they both behave and justify their behavior" (Fortner, p18)). The way that Fortner defined communication indicates that all participants of communication have to be actively included in the process in order to achieve results and overcome issues. Without the foundations of good interpersonal communication we may find ourselves in confusing situations. The way we act and talk, determines our lives and helps us in our quest for happiness in life. Thing that I would suggest is to try and first explore yourself in an intrapersonal level, because you feel that you are misunderstood by your parents. It won’t be an easy task for you, but you have to explore your feelings and find the best possible way to speak with your parents. We are all at the age when we need some space, and it is important for them to comprehend that. It is up to you to present your emotions and have an open communication so that you can receive a positive feedback. As mentioned before, body language and words have to be coordinated so that you can transfer a message that is clear without ambiguities. It is possible that you have created certain prejudices about your parents that they will not be able to understand you and you time for yourself and the need for inner space.
On the other hand, you are not alone to blame for poor communication with your parents. Given the age differences, your parents should take time to remember what they were like in your age, and how was their attitude towards their parents. One more issue that arises from this problem communication is that the culture and the way of living have changed increasingly since the days when your parents were young. They should also be aware of this age and the circumstances that are applied in modern age. You should maybe point out to them too, and hope to receive understanding as feedback, and in the meantime, try to do your best so that you can achieve good communication with your parents by using communication skills that I have recommended. I sincerely hope that I have helped you to overcome your communication issues with your parents.
Cited works:
Fortner, Robert. Communication, Media, and Identity: A Christian Theory of
Communication. Toronto, ON: Rowman & Littlefield, 2007. Print
Hargie, Owen. Skilled Interpersonal Communication: research, theory and practice, Routledge, Canada, 2011. Print
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