Zane Durmont
I very much enjoyed this story. I liked the use of acid taking as an unusual way of portraying the protagonist’s feelings about his father. Overall, the narrative was believable and enjoyable to read. The light hearted nature of the drug experimentation and the deep subject of the narrator’s father create a tense combination.
You seem to shift between tenses a fair bit; in other words, some sentences are written in past tense and some in present tense. I suggest that you go through the story carefully and change them all to the same tense. In my opinion, present tense all the way through could work very well for this piece. It is relatively unusual to find a story in present tense, especially in first person narrative, which is partly why I think you should write it in this way. It is the ultimate method to allow your readers to become close to the protagonist and to follow him on his journey in real time.
The beginning of the story appears to be in the present, and then the narrator flashes back to the scene where he purchases the acid, before returning to present again. This is a common technique, but not a very strong or successful one. Particularly with a short story, it is usually more sensible to start at the beginning and tell the story chronologically. Therefore, I suggest that the story should open with the protagonist purchasing the drugs, and then continue from there in real time. This would allow your readers to become fully involved with the story much more quickly, rather than making them flick around in time. Furthermore, if you take my advice of writing the whole thing in present tense, writing chronologically will have double the benefits.
I especially liked the reference to the church. I like the tension between illegal drug taking and the holy traditions of the church, and I would like to see more of it. I suggest you dedicate more words to this section of the story. Include more description of the church and more reference to the protagonist’s feelings towards being there, including his reflections on his relationship with his father. Furthermore, it might be good if you include some details of the drug taking while they are at the church. In the same way as the character was walking along a pavement thinking it was a mountain, have some similar reference to being at the church. This would increase the irony and the tension between the two ideas.
Additionally, the part about the mountain added authenticity to the story, regarding the acid trip. I suggest having more references to the trip throughout the story. You don’t need to dedicate too much time to it; the odd sentence here and there should suffice. The odd sentence could easily just be a comment made by one of the other characters as this would avoid you having to go into too much detail or to explain anything in depth.
Overall, this is a clear and well thought out story. I like the theme of the narrator’s relationship with his father being played out through experimentation with acid. With a little more thought about where to put details, this story will improve vastly.
Coco Dean
I enjoyed this story very much. There are so many sensitive themes covered within it, and this was brave, but effective. I enjoyed the relationship between the brother and sister. This was believable and tender.
I feel that the issues covered are so strong that they need more words dedicated to them. For example, the reference to the father beating the daughter was intriguing and disturbing. However, it was much too brief. This is an opportunity for a descriptive scene, played out in full, with dialogue and description etc. As the father was killed as a result of the beatings, I think it is important to show exactly what he was like. This would increase our sympathy for the brother and sister and, to a lesser extent, for the mother.
Something I wasn’t so convinced about was the nature of the conversation between the two siblings, given that she hadn’t visited him for a while. If they are as close as they seem to be, the chances are that she would have carried on visiting him, regardless of what their mother said or felt. On the other hand, if she hadn’t visited him for a while, I expect they wouldn’t be as close as they appear. He may resent her for not visiting, or he may have made other friends while in prison that he is keen to meet up with on the outside. Either way, I think that not visiting someone in prison is a big deal and would definitely have repercussions.
So, with a little work, I am comfortable with the relationship between the brother and sister, especially when the prison visiting issue has been rectified. With a little more information, I would also be comfortable with the situation that existed with the children’s father. The relationship that I feel needs the most work is that of the mother with the children. Perhaps because of the amount of complex relationships explored within this story, little time is given to explaining the issue of the mother. I suggest that either it should be made much more simple, as there is already so much going on, or it certainly needs more explanation. At the moment, the mother relationship seems an afterthought; this needs to be rectified.
I very much enjoyed the small details that were written into this piece. For example, the mention of the Supremes poster and the wall map were telling details about the characters and about their pasts. I would like more details like this included in the story. For example, what does the protagonist have in the pocket of her jacket? You are skilled at injecting small moments such as this and so it would be sensible to exploit it further. Generally, the closer you can allow your readers to become to your characters, the better. They are more likely to want to spend time with them and read about their lives if they are allowed into their worlds more fully.
Overall, this is an intelligent and thoughtful, character based story. I very much enjoyed that you have incorporated such sensitive issues into the narrative. With a little more work on the individual subplots and character backgrounds, this story could be even stronger.
