Dear John and Betty,
Re: Interpersonal Communication skills to guide you through your relationship
I hereby write to both of you, wishing to offer some guidelines on how you should relate with each other in order to enhance good interpersonal skills and minimize conflicts. As newly weds, you should learn to understand each other through proper usage of principles of interpersonal communication. Also, I am writing to you so that you can understand the various misconceptions and barriers that relate to interpersonal skills. You need to understand the different strategies that you can use to enhance active, empathic and critical listening. Also, this letter will allow you to reflect on how emotions, perceptions and non verbal communication impact on your relationship, and the strategies you can use to reduce and manage conflicts.
Principles and misconceptions about interpersonal communication
John and Betty, it is important to understand that there are four basic principles of interpersonal communication. The first principle states that communication is inescapable. This means that it is impossible not to communicate since communication entails much more than words. Even when a couple does not talk, much of the communication is passed through your partner’s facial expression, gestures or even postures (Rotella, 2001). Therefore, be careful with your behavior or facial expressions since your partner will use them to judge you.
The other principle of interpersonal communication states that communication is irreversible. This means that if your partner says something regrettable due to anger, it is impossible to take it back. This is the reason why both of you should be mindful of what they communicate to each other because once the word gets out of your mouth, its effect inevitably remains.
John and Betty, please note that every form of interpersonal communication is complicated because in every type of communication, there are six different complexity situations. In your case, during communication, there are six people involved; who John thinks he is, who Betty thinks she is, who John thinks Betty is, who John thinks Betty thinks he is, who Betty thinks John is and who the other person thinks you think he or she is. Therefore, it is vital to understand the complexities and the fact that people can not use the same words alike to convey a message.
Also, note that interpersonal communication is contextual in nature. There is the psychological context (your needs, personality, values), relational context (reaction to your partner), situational context (psychosocial where you are), environmental (location, time) and cultural context (learned rules and behavior). Therefore, as a newly wed couple, partners must note that communication never happens without the five contextual considerations (Daire, 2012).
There are a few misconceptions that affect interpersonal communication. For example, John may assume that Betty will automatically understand what he tries to communicate. This is wrong because the meaning of what a person says is never as obvious as the communicator may try to assume. It is important to try and deliver the meaning as intended and reduce the assumptions that the message will be understood (Daire, 2012).
The other misconception is that the more a partner communicates, the better the delivery of a message. This is not true because too many words or too much discussion may lead to degraded message delivery. Therefore, it is important for both of you to ensure that you communicate what is necessary or intended.
Barriers to effective communication
As a newly wed couple, it is crucial for both of you to understand the various barriers that may affect your communication. According to Rotella, (2001), communication barriers usually affect the connection between the message sender and receiver during communication.
The first category of barriers to communication is the external barrier. External barriers are usually physical, visual or environmental factors that interfere with effective communication by acting like distractions between two partners. For example, a couple may go out on a date in a restaurant but end up not communicating effectively due to noise and visual distractions. Therefore, it is important for you to avoid instances of external barriers so that you can ensure effectiveness of communication especially when having serious conversations.
John and Betty, the other main type of communication barrier is the internal barrier. An internal barrier originates from or within the receiver. For example, John could be relaying a message to Betty, but Betty could be inattentive or not listening at all. This is a hindrance to communication, and John should try to uncover the underlying issues causing the internal barriers. The problem with Betty could be that she is bored or she lacks interest in the conversation.
Semantic barriers to effective communication refer to the differences that may occur between you, as a couple, in terms of language, culture or education. For example, one partner may be less conversant with Spanish language whereas the other one could be very good at it, meaning that using Spanish as a form of communication may cause language barriers between the sender and receiver. Also a couple may have several differences in pronunciation, vocabulary and dialect, causing a barrier in communication. Also, cultural differences may create a barrier especially when it comes to religious affiliations. For example, Christians, Jews and Muslims may have similar beliefs in a Supreme Being (God), but they may have different mentalities of who God really is. Also, it is important to know the beliefs, values and ethics that the other partner identifies with so that you can both be in a position to communicate without appearing rude or insensitive.
Developing strategies for active, critical, and empathic listening
John and Betty, listening is crucial in any relationship, since it is the only way one partner can understand the message that his or her partner is sending. It is therefore important to develop active, empathic and critical listening skills so that you can manage to create healthy and productive relationships.
Active listening refers to attentive and careful listening with a purpose. The partners must be able to send messages and receive feedback during active listening (Daire, 2012). For example, we can take the situation when both of you are communicating and discussing an important topic. Betty could ask a question directed to John, and John must use all his senses to listen carefully to the message. John paraphrases the message using his mental ability and verbally while synthesizing accuracy of the message. After checking understanding and accuracy of the message, he provides feedback back to Betty through various verbal or non verbal responses. During the conversation, John can offer positive feedback by confirming the message or show disconfirmation through negative feedback.
John and Betty, it is vital to understand the importance of developing empathic listening skills because it denotes understanding your partner’s feelings. Empathetic listening follows the steps used in active listening although in this case, empathy and mindfulness are significantly useful. When couples empathize with each other, the situation brings understanding and mutual harmony between them. Through empathic listening, both of you can ensure a deep ability to perceive each other’s point of view as if it were your own (Bienenfeld, 2000).
Critical listening is the other form of effective listening that allows either of the partners to challenge the other one’s message. For example, one partner may give his or her own point of view about a certain issue while the other one may evaluate the accuracy, utility or meaningfulness of the message sent. After challenging the said aspects of the message, the receiver has to also think critically before responding to the message. Therefore, it is important for a couple to understand that people do have different points of view but, understanding is the toll to use in judging your partner’s messages. If one partner’s message is challenged, he or she should understand why the partner feels differently about the said issue or topic.
How perceptions, emotions, and nonverbal expression affect interpersonal relationships.
John and Betty, non verbal communication between partners plays an important role in a relationship, and can affect the partners either negatively or positively. For example, if there is an ongoing conversation between the two of you, the level of attention and listening can be gauged by checking the eye contact and the positioning of each partner’s body in relation to his or her partner. Even without uttering a word, it is possible for a partner to know whether his partner is genuinely happy, angry, thankful or frustrated just by checking on his or her non-verbal body language (Daire, 2012). Non verbal language helps couples to build relationships, resolve differences, show attention and enhance trust. However, non-verbal communication can impact negatively on a relationship especially when it is used to mock one partner or to show false and misleading cues. Misinterpreted gestures can be rectified by ensuring that each partner is open enough to practice positive gestures as a way of developing the relationship.
Emotions too have a great impact in interpersonal relationship especially during communication. When couples are discussing issues, one partner may be overcome by emotions and make some rude remarks about the other partner. This can affect the relationship negatively since the partner may not understand that the utterances were made out of anger or emotions. In other cases, a partner may be overcome by joy and utter some promises that he can not keep, causing distrust, fear and confrontations later on. Therefore, emotions do play a major role in interpersonal communication, and couples need to keep their emotions in check especially when dealing with serious matters.
Perceptions can also affect your relationship in various ways. Perception refers to the ways in which people become aware of happenings in the external environment, and it involves stimulation, evaluation, memory and recall aspects. During communication between couples, each of the two partners always has some perceptions about the issue that they are dealing with and this can affect the effectiveness of the communication. Perceptions make it hard for couples to see each other’s points of view.
Strategies for managing interpersonal conflicts
John and Betty, it is important to understand that marriages do have conflicts and the best way to deal with disagreements and conflicts is not by avoiding them. The best way to deal with conflicts is by finding strategies to work things out even when you, as a partner, feel that you have been wronged. The first step is to deal with it head on and try not to avoid the situation by running away from your partner. According to Marchand, 2000, if disagreements are ignored or avoided, they can lead to an accumulation of unresolved matters between couples. Unresolved matters end up increasing stress, anger and resentments between couples leading to physical, emotional and mental turmoil. The other step that a couple should take is to think through the issue affecting their relationship right before taking an appropriate action. It is okay to discuss the issue with a trusted third party, but at the same time, it is crucial to remember some third parties may end up worsening the situation. Therefore, one should just seek advice and get feedback from a third party, bearing in mind that the ultimate solution lays within her. After thinking through it, the next step should be to talk about the issue with your partner, preferably face-to-face. Emails or letters should not be used since they can lead to further miscommunication. Face-to-face is usually direct and it ensures that the couple maintains an active conversation, and it is also an opportunity for the couple to read the non verbal messages portrayed by their partners. Depending on the sensitivity and volatility of the issue at hand, it would be crucial to consider inclusion of a mediator, who can oversee a free and fair resolution of a problem.
Betty and John, once you have decided to resolve an issue, you must be ready to compromise since the resolution is the main agenda. Your partner should not be viewed as an opponent that you strive to defeat. After reflecting on your possible role in the creation of the conflict, it is important to apologize in a sincere and honest way (Bienenfeld, 2000). It is also important to choose your conflicts and battles wisely such that each of you should only bring up issues that are serious and important. When one partner brings up issues just about any small thing that happens, the other partner will see you as a complainer and your issues will lack credibility. Also, work your level best to reduce conflicts by developing a relationship based on trust, understanding and honesty. Each one of you should do this by working on your own interpersonal skills and avoiding troubles at all costs.
Conclusion
I hope this letter helps both of you in achieving good interpersonal skills throughout your marriage. As newly weds, continue understanding each other through proper usage of principles of interpersonal communication. Also, ensure that you understand the various misconceptions and barriers that relate to interpersonal skills. This way, you can overcome the barriers and understand your partner in a much clearer way than before. You can now understand the different strategies that you can use to enhance active, empathic and critical listening. Please ensure that you understand the circumstances where you would need to apply those three vital listening skills. Also, reflect on how emotions, perceptions and non verbal communication impacts on your relationship, and the strategies you can use to reduce and manage conflicts.
References
Bienenfeld, F. (2000). Do-it-yourself Conflict Resolution for Couples : Dynamic New Ways for Couples to Heal Their Own Relationships. Career Press.
Daire, A. P., Harris, S. M., Carlson, R. G., Munyon, M. D., Rappleyea, D. L., Beverly, M., & Hiett, J. (2012). Fruits of Improved Communication: The Experiences of Hispanic Couples in a Relationship Education Program. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 11(2), 112-129. doi:10.1080/15332691.2012.666498
Marchand, J. F., & Hock, E. (2000). Avoidance and Attacking Conflict-Resolution Strategies among Married Couples: Relations to Depressive Symptoms and Marital Satisfaction. Family Relations, 49(2), 201-206
Rotella, M., Gold, S. F., & Andriani, L. (2001). How to say it for couples: Communicating with tenderness, openness and honesty. Publishers Weekly, 248(44), 46-46. http://search.proquest.com/docview/197058011?accountid=45049
Rotella, M., Gold, S. F., & Andriani, L. (2001). When anger hurts your relationship: 10 simple solutions for couples who fight. Publishers Weekly, 248(44), 46-46. http://search.proquest.com/docview/197058087?accountid=45049
