1. Routine Message: I was quite comfortable with Konrad Yakabuski’s assessment of our health care system. That is, until his last paragraph, where he states, “Younger doctors, motivated by more noble goals than money, seem to get this” (Doctors Don’t Get It: Health Care is a Team Game, Aug. 18). I am a 66-year-old family doctor with almost 40 years of practice under my belt. Fortunately, I really don’t need the money. I resent the implication that “older” doctors are less “noble” than younger ones. Most doctors were not looking for a personal boost to their incomes with the tentative Physician’s Services Agreement that was defeated. Rather, we didn’t want to be held financially responsible for the cost overruns in a system over which we have little control. I agree that doctors act as gatekeepers to a vast network of publicly funded services. It is not always easy staring down the patient demanding an MRI for his lower back pain, or the 30-year-old wanting to check his blood type or cholesterol. Perhaps a better solution to physician clawbacks would be to share any cost overruns equally among the doctors, the government and, now for something totally new, the patients!
High Level Review of Routine Message: Writer, your letter has tried to bring to light a core issue in medicine and healthcare. Your seniority and experience do come through in the letter, but I feel that there is an assumption here that people have already read the article by Konrad Yakabuski. Since the issue talks about society in general, I would have hoped that you had conducted more research, spoken to a few other doctors, and then made your strong arguments. The message has a very emotional and personal tone and does not address core issues of the subject. It is too personal in its narrative. Also, it would have been great if the words used were not too technical (medical), since the use of such words takes away the reader’s interest.
Detailed Review of Routine Message: Dear Writer, it was really interesting to read your letter pertaining to healthcare and medicine. Here are few suggestions you might want to consider.
Tone of Voice – Although you are a senior doctor with a right to express your strong opinion, it would have been better if the wordings were little more positive and not pompous. This is evident with sentences like ‘I really don’t need the money’. Also, some words are very strongly negative, which I would request you to avoid; e.g. ‘I resent’.
Formatting – In the beginning of the letter, you have referred to another article by Konrad. Since your letter is a comment based on that article, it would have been better to have some context to the contents of that article before your comments. That would help the reader understand the issue a little better.
Grammar – “Physician’s Services Agreement” is a proper noun and should have been within inverted commas. The letter also has a mix of voices, active and passive. In some sentences the emphasis is on ‘I’ and in some there are assumptions about what other doctors feel.
Overall, with a few corrections, this letter would really be very effective in conveying your strong arguments. Hope you agree.
2. Bad News Message: An Austin-area father and son with roots to North Texas who were vacationing in Europe with their family were among the 84 victims of the deadly attack in Nice, France, relatives said Friday. The Copeland family from Lakeway, Texas, was on a European vacation that began in Spain with the running of the bulls in Pamplona. They were celebrating the Bastille Day in Nice Thursday night when a family friend said the unthinkable happened. Family friend Jess Davis confirmed 51-year-old Sean Copeland, and his 11-year-old son, Brodie Copeland, died when driver of a large white truck barreled down the crowded promenade, killing at least 84 people.
High Level Review of Bad News Message: The article is about the Nice terror attack. Instead of beginning with the larger story of the attack, the article focuses on the Austin area family. The organization of the message could be much better – I feel they should begin with the main elements of the story which gives quick information via the main story; in essence, there has been a terror attack in Nice, France. The attack was carried out during Bastille Day celebrations and more than thirty thousand people had gathered on the Nice promenade. It should then give details of how the attack was carried out and then some information about the terrorist.
3. Persuasive Message: National Homeless week passed with a whimper overtaken by the Olympic hype. If the homeless were victims of a natural disaster, governments at all levels would immediately take action and with the army's help have them all in safe accommodation within days. But the homeless are victims – of changing economic conditions beyond their control; with manual and mid-level white-collar jobs lost to technological change, jobs exported, the casualization of the workforce. the cutting of funds to TAFE, the Texas Association of Future Educators, the winding down of mental health and allied services, the high cost of buying into the property market or even being able to rent. Yet society as a whole blames the victims, not the system. In one of the richest countries in the world surely politicians at all three levels could find empty buildings and quickly have them converted into safe temporary accommodation until long-term solutions are found, such as the enlistment of more governmental agency assistance, or private philanthropic assistance? As a nation we should feel ashamed.
High Level Review of Persuasive Message: The message is very persuasive and takes into consideration the burning issue of homelessness. It begins by a sharp focused comparison with the Olympics and how the homelessness issue is seen very casually. It quickly blames government and politicians for the issue and makes many assumptions about the cause of homelessness. The message could have been well supported by additional data and the action on the ground that government can take. It only speaks of short term solutions and does not address the core issues. It also does not mention any government statistics to support the fact that the issue is indeed a burning one.
Copy Edit of Persuasive Message: National Homeless week passed with a whimper overtaken by the Olympic hype. If the homeless were victims of a natural disaster, governments at all levels would immediately take action and with the army's help have them all in safe accommodation within days. But the homeless are victims – of changing economic conditions beyond their control; with manual and mid-level white-collar jobs lost to technological change, jobs exported, the casualization of the workforce. The cutting of funds to TAFE, also known as Technical and Further Education, which is a facilitator and/or provider of vocational instruction, and the winding down of mental health and allied services, the high cost of buying into the property market or even being able to rent. Yet society as a whole blames the victims, not the system. In one of the richest countries in the world, surely politicians at all three levels could find empty buildings and quickly have them converted into safe temporary accommodation until long-term solutions are found, whether directly, through governmental and philanthropic contribution(s), or indirectly, to organizations in need of funding? As a nation we should feel ashamed.
Cited Works
Boyer, Alex. Texas father and son killed in Nice attack. Fox4news.com.Web. 22 August 2016.
http://www.fox4news.com/news/174599546-story
Camberwell, Meg Paul. The homeless: And we avert our eyes to focus on the Olympics. TheAge.com. Web. 22 August 2016.
http://www.theage.com.au/comment/the-age-letters/the-homeless-and-we-avert-our-eyes- -to-focus-on-the-olympics-20160806-gqmkra.html
Wise, Mark. The cost of healthcare. The Globe and Mail.com. Web. 22 August 2016.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/opinion/letters/aug-19-health-care-costs-plus-other-letters-to-the-editor/article31460262/
