Parenting is a process that contributes to the physical, intellectual, social and emotional development of a child and determines how a child is going to evolve as an adult. Parenting style varies from one parent to another. Based on the style of rearing up children, parenting is divided into four styles; authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and uninvolved (Christopher Spera). Amy Chua, popularly known as the tiger mother, has created furor among western mothers with her famous but controversial book titled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in which she has vehemently shown the difference between the Chinese and Western style of parenting. Her strict style of parenting has been labeled by many as 'authoritarian' but Chua argues that compared to western parents, Chinese parents bring up more academically brilliant and skilled children because of strict way of parenting. I am aware of Chinese parenting style as my own parents are Chinese and they are very strict disciplinarians making sure always I put my hard work in everything I do. It is a common western belief that Chinese parents are authoritarians but I think the authoritarian Chinese style of parenting proves beneficial for the growth of children emotionally, academically and socially. Based on the description of Amy Chua’s parenting style, this paper will delve deeper into the Chinese style of parenting and how Chinese parents are different from their western counterparts.
Parents provide help to their children in achieving goal and fulfilling ambition. Chinese parents just like any other parents believe in that too, but in order to help their children fulfill their dreams and ambition, Chinese parents take the parenting to another level. Unlike western parents who don't enforce authority on their children to complete tasks up to best of their abilities, Chinese parents force their children to make performance par excellence in everything their children attempt. Just as Chua explained in her narrative that when her daughter stood second in a math competition, she forced her daughter to do 2,000 math problems per night until her daughter excelled in the class, most Chinese parents ensure their children put in hard work to accomplish something to best of their capability.
Western parents give too much importance on the individuality of their children and encourage them to pursue their heart. Chinese parents on the other hand give less importance to their children's preferences. They believe that their children should be indebted to them for the sacrifices they make to raise their children. They expect their children to repay their sacrifices by obeying them. Obedience is regarded as a virtue in Chinese culture. Chinese children are well-behaved, polite and obedient. Chinese parents raise their young in a way that they listen to the words of advice and admonition of their parents without any qualm. Unlike many western children who are arrogant and brazenly refuse to hear their parents, Chinese children always treat their elders with respect. Butting into the conversation of elders or answering back to parents is looked upon as impolite in Chinese culture. Very rarely a Chinese kid will be found talking rudely to his parents. The strict disciplinarian upbringing of Chinese children warrants such obedient disposition. Amy Chua is a very strict mother, just like any Chinese mother. She treats her daughters very strictly. But Amy has inherited her strict style of parenting from her own parents. In an interview Chua has expressed how she and sister used to feel different from other western kids while growing up in the US. Her parents ensured that they eat only Chinese food and speak Chinese only at home. For every English word accidentally spoken, she used to receive a whack of the chopsticks. Once when she received second prize in a history competition in school, her father after the award ceremony was over told her not to disgrace him like that ever again (Allison Pearson). During early childhood and adolescence of Chinese children, all the decisions for them are taken by their parents and the children hardly contribute an opinion to the decision. Apparently, it might seem improper not to let children take their own decisions, but Chinese parents believe that children cannot take decision for themselves and only when they are adults and aware of the rights and wrongs of life that they are allowed to make decisions.
In many western families, children address their elders by their first names which cannot be even imagined in Chinese culture. Giving respect to elders and listening to them are taught to Chinese children right from their infancy. Chinese children always address their elders either using Mrs. or Mr. to show due respect to their seniors. Calling elders by their first names is regarded as impolite and improper behavior of children.
In her book Amy details a scene in which she snubs her daughter Lulu then aged 7 by calling her "lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic" because Lulu failed to learn a complex piano piece. This scene is an epitome of how Chinese mothers won't settle for anything but perfection. In order to motivate children to acquire perfection in everything they do, Chinese mothers would call them names like garbage and shit. Westerners might disapprove of this style of parenting calling it too harsh and insulting for children, but for Chinese mothers calling children names is a way of giving the children motivation to do hard work and prove that they are not what their parents are calling them. There have been a lot of controversies over Amy Chua's calling her daughter garbage because western parents looked it as disparaging for the child's self-esteem. In her interview Amy Chua confesses that the garbage remark was a response when Sophia, her daughter said something very disrespectful to her and that when Chua herself was a little girl and went into row with her mother over something silly, her father gave her the same reaction, "If you can't see the sacrifices your mother's made for you then you are garbage" (Allison Pearson). When enquired of why she didn’t relate the full version of the mother-daughter brawl in her book, her response was ""I didn't ever want to make my girls look bad in my book" (Allison Pearson). It shows behind all the strict exterior hard shell lies a gentle heart of a mother concerned for nothing but the best for her children and same goes for all Chinese mothers who no matter how strict they are to push their children to excel in everything, they are warm and loving like any western mother.
Westerners get thoroughly impressed and amazed at the good behavior of Chinese children who are obedient, quiet and follow the instructions of their teachers without any ado. They hardly throw tantrums or exhibit loud behavior or selfishness commonly traced in American children. Such calm and cool poise is inculcated in Chinese children from their infancy. Chinese parents never spank a child for being naughty; rather they use the mode of persuasion to teach their children behave properly. Unlike western children who begin sleeping in separate rooms from few days after their birth, Chinese children share the same room and sometimes even bed with their parents until they are few years old. Westerners might look upon the culture of Chinese parents sharing bed with their children as too smothering or an act of dependency but Chinese people find it invariably surprising that western children sleep on their own without their parents nursing or changing them at night. For Chinese parents, being close to children forms an intimate bond that western children lack in their upbringing.
There are many studies which have reflected the stereotypical cultural differences between the western styles of parenting with that of Chinese. In a study involving 48 Chinese immigrant mothers and 50 western American mothers, about 70% of American mothers opined that putting too much stress on children for academic excellence is not good for the well-being of children and learning should involve a fun element. In comparison, 0% Chinese mothers shared the same thought. Rather, most of the Chinese mothers held the opinion that their children can do best and excel in academics if they put in hard work and that academic excellence is a result of successful parenting. If children underperform and score bad, then there is a problem with the way parents are nurturing their children. There are many studies which show that as opposed to western parents who motivate their children more to partake in sport teams, Chinese parents invest more time drilling children in academic pursuance (Amy Chua).
Chinese parents inculcate in their children a perseverant attitude. They believe that success depends on hard work rather than innate ability. Chinese parents follow the philosophy that success follows hard work and anyone can achieve anything with the right amount of effort put in. If a child underperforms or doesn't excel in something to best of his ability, Chinese parents won't ever seek solace in the fact that their children are not talented, rather they will put them to hard work. They believe that talent is useless if the person who has talent does not give his 100% effort. In her book Amy Chua has described an incident of her birthday when her daughter Lulu then aged 4 presented her a birthday with scrabble on a piece of paper, she out rightly rejected it saying she wished Lulu had given some thought and effort into it. She handed the card back to Lulu with a comment "I deserve better than this. So I reject this" (Allison Pearson). When confronted on this issue, she said that she cannot praise her daughter falsely for something so imperfect and that she wanted hear daughter to learn the value of hard work. In order to teach children the value of hard work, Chinese parents can go to any length as revealed by Amy Chua in her book in which she described how when her 7 years old daughter Lulu had difficulty mastering a complex piece called “The Little White Donkey”, she initially threatened Lulu that she would donate Lulu’s dollhouse to a Salvation Army and when that didn't work, she made Lulu practice the violin "right through dinner into the night" with no loo or water breaks until she perfectly grasped the piece (Allison Pearson). It shows how Chinese parents are strictly meticulous about hard work and perfection and they don’t compromise on perfection.
Amy Chua has pointed out the biggest difference between western and Chinese parents is that "Chinese parents assume strength rather than fragility" (Amy Chua). It is true that western parents are too much worried about the self-esteem of their children. They falsely praise their children and pump their egos even when they deliver a mediocre performance in a competition or in a test. Western parents are anxious about the psyches of their children but Chinese parents walk on a different line. They prefer strength over fragility. Chinese parents believe that letting children give up on something is harmful for the development of a child's self-esteem. Rather teaching them or forcing them to do something that they thought they could not do is a great way of boosting up the children's confidence. For instance, a Chinese mother would react with horror if their children come home with a bad grade but western parents would praise their children even if they come with A-minus or B and even if they criticize their children they would do it cautiously being careful not to call their children stupid or worthless. They rather would spend time finding faults with the curriculum or with the way subjects are being taught in school and even question the credentials of the teachers. In the event of a Chinese child coming home with a B would result in hair-tearing reaction and then the disgruntled mother would put the child through a series of practice tests until her child takes the grade up to an A. Chinese parents want their children to acquire perfect grades because they know they are capable of getting it with hard work. In order to motivate their children to do hard work, they opt for the method unimaginable to western parents, method of punishing and shaming the child. Chinese parents believe that the sense of mortification and shame would motivate the child to improve upon his weakness and prove to his parents that he is not worthless. There is plenty of admiration showered on the child when he improves and excels in his performance.
In conclusion, parenting is a process that determines how a child is going to evolve as an adult. The undeniable cultural differences between western and Chinese culture reflect in the way western and Chinese parents raise their children. Amy Chua’s description of her parenting style in her book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" has raised a lot of eyebrows towards Chinese parenting style which, according to many westerners, is too authoritarian and controlling. But I believe that Chinese parents, though may appear daunting, are effective to the core in terms of boosting up children's confidence, teaching them obedience and respect for elders and making children believe in hard work. Their method of persuasion or putting children to do a certain thing in a forceful manner may differ considerably from that of their western counterparts but at the end they, like any other parent, only wish the best for their children.
Works Cited
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