Article Critique : Self-disclosure, Gender and Communication:
"Can We Talk? Researcher Talks about the Role of Communication in Marriages,"
Abstract
Can you recall the thrill, the endless wish to drink from somebody’s words and the unexplained feeling that time flies, when you are speaking with someone you fell in love with? This feeling of total surrender and focused interest in what somebody says, or active listening, along with the wish to keep sharing thoughts and ideas, as if nothing else really mattered, is the kernel of self-revelation and is connected to intimate and effective communication between a couple, being therefore the foundation of any lasting relationship. Communication is part of the ritual that helps building a strong relationship and should be the basic ingredient present in any everlasting and happy marriage. However, the reality of many marriages has shown that this process of effective communication is not automatic. Just the opposite. A high percentage of marriages develop to silence, to lack of real communication, to frustration, unspoken anger and secrecy. And when grudges and pain grow inside an imprisoned mind, the result can only be disaster, from divorce to marital infidelity; from indifference and boredom to hate.
Nora Schoenberg dissects with accurate precision this subject in her article "Can We Talk? Researcher Talks about the Role of Communication in Marriages". According to the author, self-disclosure, which is basically the act of revealing either verbally or non-verbally your intimate wishes, fears, thoughts, doubts and feelings to your partner, who is and active listener, seems to be an essential premise of a happy marriage. Daphne Rose Kingma, in her book «Finding True Love» (p99), states that “Listening is an act of love that says, “I’m here to receive whatever it is you have to put out – a fact, a revelation, an attitude, or a dream – even if it makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m going to stand here and risk being open to you. I’m willing to be informed, charmed, scared, delighted, or changed. I’m willing to have you reveal yourself, no matter who you turn out to be.” And concludes by saying: ”Inquiring is listening to the ninth power. It moves listening from a place of passivity to a place of action, because when we inquire about another person, we not only exercise our lively, loving curiosity, we also take a big risk, the risk of being disappointed.”Easily said than done, though, as this honesty can be impossible to practice when routines, boredom, different perceptions of reality and interests, along with a wrong idea of what communication is all about, usually step in a sneaking way between couples. And the less you reveal about yourself, the wider the abyss becomes, until there is nothing left to say. Until there is not even the wish to try to say anything at all.
According to the same article by Nora Schoenberg , gender seems to be another important aspect to be considered. Do men and women have the same needs? They usually do, but with different nuances. Men seem to need more «affective affirmation», shown through gestures, like a hug, a kiss, a surprise, weather women seem to privilege «verbal affirmation». But both genders need to feel desired, loved, cared for. When we think about the phenomenon of Facebook, which is a social utility that connects you with the people around you, we understand how powerful the urge of communication is for both genders. Facebook and similar social networking services help to develop relationships of all kinds, but above all fulfill the urge to communicate, which is equally strong for both genders. Fantasy, I have found out, can be the answer to the lack of real communication in a marriage. What you do not say with spoken words to your spouse, you may well write and confess to an almost stranger who manages to create in you this illusion of intimate connection.
I strongly believe that many couples, who fail to understand the real role of communication, may find themselves trapped in a marriage that is not composed of two souls sharing the same reality, but two complete strangers sharing a physical space, although living in different galaxies. Love, is my conclusion after reading the article, is either nourished by effective communication, growing and strengthening along the years, or if it is not fed with meaningful communication, will eventually die silently, as almost all unsuccessful loves do.
References:
Feature Writer Rzadkiewicz, C. “The secret to a happy Marriage and successful relationship” , Marriage @ Suite 101, January 28, 2011. Retrieved from
http://carol-rzadkiewicz.suite101.com/the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage-and-successful-relationship-a339694
Schoenberg, N. “Marriage Requires Quality Discussion;” Chicago Tribune; reprinted in The Advocate; Baton Rouge, LA; Thursday, January 20, 2011; pp. 1D-2D. Retrieved from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-01-14/features/sc-fam-0111-talk-relationship-20110111_1_happy-marriages-couples-marital-therapy
Kingma, D. Rose “ Finding True Love”, Conari Press, 1996, p99
