Introduction
Marriage proves to be a complex and dynamic institution. The involvement of two people and their decision to live together entails not only the love the couple share but also their individual differences and preferences. Living together with anyone under any circumstances whether marriage, cohabiting, cost sharing with friends in a college room among other life situations that require people to live under the same roof and room evokes difficulties in one way or the other. The individuals living together are prone to fall into disagreements that are at time exaggerated and even violent. When it comes to marriage, the same imminent predicaments are existent. At this institution, one may quickly conclude that arguing and sometimes fighting is a typical issue. It could be, but, it is not supposed to be. Arguments and fighting to a married couple are common, and there is no way in the world that the scenario could be entirely avoided (Blumer, Green, Knowles, & Williams, 2012).
Statement of the position
If arguments and disagreements are completely unavoidable and imminent in, marriage, then what makes the topic ambivalent and variedly opinionated? It is easy to dismiss the concept and assume the impact just to fall between the two parties. However, unlike the contemporary cohabiting and cost sharing incidences, marriage is an entirely different type of contract. The situation involves other people as well who are completely independent and different but still a fundamental and indispensable unit that are part of the institution. The children. The children were never there when the two members decided to spend the rest of their life on earth together, no, they children are a product of that decision, but not an affiliate to the contract signed or agreements and promises the parents made to each other. Therefore, there are aspects of the marriage that the children should not be involved. Most crucial points of not crossing and involving the children include arguments and disagreements or even issues that are sensitive and likely to create a divide. Circumstances and such matters should only happen away from the children for varied reasons which include upsetting and stressing the children.
Background information
Marriage as a social institution is a fundamental entity of the community, society, and state in general. The alliance institutes the channels through which procreation takes place and therefore it should be understood rather critically and rationally at all levels (Bott & Spillius, 2014). Marriage faces a varied range of problems that shake the very same foundations that support it. In many years that the family institution has existed, fights and arguments have never ceased to exist. The issue evokes the question of why do couples fight? It is not easy to conclusively conclude that there are specific causes that lead to an argument. However, there overall and consistent situations and circumstances that can be tentatively attributed to the imminent issue of parents and couples falling into arguments. When parents argue, they are always supposed to bear in mind that they are parents in the first place which means that there are other players in their marriage arena. Most parents assume that children do not care or even get affected by whatever goes on between them. The fallacy is far from the truth as children often tend to watch from the sides as the parents indulge in arguments that at times leads to violent moments and fighting.
Arguments in marriage arise due to many reasons remain highly contentious and widely debated. One of the causal aspects is money matters. Money forms the focal point on which couples ensure development and sustainability concerning personal freedom, security, provision of basic needs and lifestyle. When couples fail to be in harmony and clear consensus about money in the family, the result includes heated and catastrophic arguments between the two parties. The arguments about money take place in the house and mostly the parents do not take the time to consider the location in the house that they discuss the money issue. Therefore, they end up handling the matter right in the presence of the children.
Another problem entails the various duties, roles and responsibilities in the family between the mother and the father. It is customary and common to find one partner leaning entirely or partially on the other regarding roles and responsibility. When one partner feels the unfair burden, they tend to exhibit resentment that mostly lead to clashes and conflict between them. A heated argument may occur if the other party fails to understand and see the matter from the other person point of view. The children are always at the center of it all watching and witnessing from the shadows.
Many other factors such as extended family problems, love, and affection, power in the family and circumstances culminate into fighting where the parents end up forgetting themselves and the roles they play in their children’s lives. They argue and fight in front of the children which forms a negative foundation to the later life of the children regarding their take and view to marriage and relationships.
Supporting evidence
Fighting among parents has been reported and widely researched. However, the focus of the topic circumnavigates around the detrimental effects that emanate from the family feuds. The negative aspect of the same includes the picture and mentality that is engraved and induced into the children. Being a parent encompasses many considerations if one is to raise successfully children who a sound in moral judgment, free of violent paradigms of thought, conscious, critical and rational thinking. Parenthood is a process that will involve one to be cautious in every aspect including how they handle couple related disputes and how they handle them (Moore & Brooks, 2002).
According to clinical psychologists Cummings & Davies, (2011), “children are like Geiger counters”. They pick directly and get affected by surroundings and the environment. They argue that parents often involve in violent and destructive conflicts that to a great deal affect their children mentally and emotionally. Such behavior includes aggressive behaviors such as name calling abandonment threats, direct and indirect insults. Additionally, the traits include physical aggression such as hitting. Silent tactics are also evident during destructive conflicts like avoidance, sulking, withdrawing and walking out and at times capitulation. During the instances, the children who experience them become hopeless, worried and distraught.
Clinical psychologist Diana Divecha (2014) argues that children in their current stage and their future always pick on their parent’s behavior and if the same is always destructive and argumentative, then the kids will likely pick on the trait as they grow up. Diana recalls that her parents used to fight a great deal, and she was always stressed and depressed about the fighting. She continues to say that every time the parents would fight, it would freeze her in her track. Additionally, she says that she always felt insecure mostly after the parents fighting since the father would leave for some time.
According to Anna Rutherland on the topic of families studies and parental conflicts (2014), children suffer the most every time the parents indulge in explosive and violent conflicts. She stresses that children who live with openly violent parents always exhibit signs of distress, anger, confusion and restlessness at school. Additionally, they are the same children who are likely to indulge in school fights and arguments since they pick the same from the parents at home.
A discussion of both sides of the issue
Parental conflicts and arguments evoke widely and diversely opinionated points of view by different people. Different people, scholars, analysts and child psychologists pose individual, professional and general opinions on the same. The discussion of whether the parents should argue before or in the presence of their children also opens up the views on what and how are the children affected and how do children shoes parents openly argue differ from those whose parents are discrete during a disagreement in the house.
According to Anna Rutherland on the topic of families studies and parental conflicts (2014), children suffer the most every time the parents indulge in explosive and violent conflicts. She stresses that children who live with openly violent parents always exhibit signs of distress, anger, confusion and restlessness at school. Additionally, they are the same children who are likely to indulge in school fights and arguments since they pick the same from the parents at home. The behavior is always a consequence of what the children perceive to be normal. If they see that the parents are always openly fighting, quarreling and arguing, then they interpret that as the normal way to behave. Most parents are not directly aware that what they do, say and general behavior matters to the general outcomes of the children (Harris & Goodall, 2007).
Conversely, children who hail from parents that are discrete and mature in the way they handle their feuds and conflicts exhibit a different trait altogether. Since the children in this line of thought are not predisposed to violence, they are composed and of sound stature. They are less likely to get involved in school fights and arguments. Research indicate that children from mature and diplomatic parents are keen to act even in schools and avoid trouble by all means (Harris & Goodall, 2007).
Conclusion and solution
In my view, parental conflict is a matter that cannot be avoided in the family. Again, no child has a wish list where one of the items is that the parents should argue, they want peaceful and, mature parents who can amicably and diplomatically solve their problems without going to violence. Solving family conflicts by parents is a simple and tricky process that calls for rational thinking by the parents.
The first approach that parents can use is first to recognize and acknowledge that their problems and conflicts are not unique to them or that they are not the first ones to experience that issue. Acceptance is rated as the first step to solving one’s problems (Smith, 2014). Secondly, the parents need to make priorities regarding the issues that face them so that they can handle them one at a time without overlapping or missing the necessary ones. Thirdly, they need to be clear and have a boundary regarding what they can share, do or not do in the presence of their children. Additionally, the parents need to ensure that the children are aware that whatever the conflict is has nothing to do with them. Moreover, when the parents can handle the problem, amicably they can consult a family doctor or therapist for a professional counsel.
References
Blumer, M. L., Green, M. S., Knowles, S. J., & Williams, A. (2012). Shedding light on thirteen years of darkness: Content analysis of articles pertaining to transgender issues in marriage/couple and family therapy journals. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 38(s1), 244-256.
Bott, E., & Spillius, E. B. (2014). Family and social network: Roles, norms and external relationships in ordinary urban families. Routledge.
Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2011). Marital conflict and children: An emotional security perspective. Guilford Press.
Divecha, D. (2014, April 30). What Happens to Children When Parents Fight? Retrieved from Developmental Science: http://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2014/04/30/what-happens-to-children-when-parents-fight
Harris, A., & Goodall, J. (2007). Engaging parents in raising achievement: do parents know they matter? a research project commissioned by the Specialist Schools and Academies Trust.
Smith, K. (2014, Seotember). Learn to Solve Parental Conflicts. Retrieved from The family magazine: http://www.michianamom.com/September-2014/Learn-to-Solve-Parental-Conflicts/
Moore, M. R., & Brooks-Gunn, J. (2002). Handbook of parenting: Being and becoming a parent. Nova Iorque: Lawrence Erlbaum.
Sutherland, A. (2014, April 9). How parental conflicts hurts kids. Retrieved from Family Studies: http://family-studies.org/how-parental-conflict-hurts-kids/
