Chapter 7 – Listening (19 questions)
1. Percentage that listeners remember after hearing a message
Right after hearing a message only about 50% of people remember the message. Within 8 hours the 50% drops to 35%, after 2 months only 25% remember the original message. (Page 241)
2. Listen more than any other type of communication
3. Questioning and paraphrasing
These are two techniques that show a speaker the listener is attentive. They also help the listener make sure he/she understands what the speaker is trying to say. They need to be learned and practiced to do well.
Questioning on pages 249 and 250
Three advantages to the listener (240) who uses questioning are 1. Learns details that sharpen understanding and ask sincere questions.
2. Learn what the speaker is thinking and feeling
3. Understand what the speaker wants.
(Questioning can also be used to send a message instead of receiving the message. Counterfeit questions can 1. Trap the listener 2. Be a tag question to lead the speaker to answer in a certain way. 3) Questions that are statements or opinions by emphasizing certain words. 4) Questions that seek “correct” answers Ex. “why aren’t you listening to me?” (249 and 250)
4. Listening process
Interpersonal listening is the process of making sense of the spoken messages of other people. (p. 237). You can accurately understand what the person is trying to convey to you
Five elements – 1) hearing, 2) attending, 3) understanding, 4) responding, and 5) remembering (p. 239)
5. Residual message
Is the part of the message which we remember (p. 241).
6. Pseudolistening
Is pretending to listen by looking the speaker in the eye and maybe even nodding and smilings but it is an imitation of listening, different than just tuning out the other person and usually takes more energy to pretend to listen rather than just tuning the other person out. (p. 242).
7 Understanding
When we can make sense of a message. Listening fidelity is the degree of congruence* between what a listener understands and what the message sender was attempting to communicate. (p. 240).
*’congruence’ = a coming together of understanding between the listener and the speaker.
8. Stage-hogging
(or conversational narcissists) use strategies to continually bring the conversation back to themselves. The may use shift responses like interruption, giving a shift response such as “you think you have it bad, listen to what happened to me.” (p. 242).
9 Ineffective and effective listening styles 242 +
Ineffective listening styles
1) pseudo-listening = pretending to listen
2) stage hogging = using shift responses to turn subject to self or interruptions
3) selective listening = only listen to the parts the listeners is interested in hearing (can be effective)
10 Rate of hearing and speaking
We can understand speech (the spoken word) at 600 words per minute; the average person only speaks between 100 and 150 words per minute. With the extra time while waiting for the person to say what they are going to say one has to stay focused and not let their mind wander (p. 244).
11 Why impossible to listen 100% (message overload, rapid thought, lack of training, faulty assumptions)
Need to pay careful attention to only important messages; can’t spend 100% of time listening to everything carefully; impractical.
Message Overload: The amount of information around us to “listen to” is greater than at any other time in history = too much information, leads to message overload. (p. 243).
Preoccupation: the listener’s thoughts are on another subject. (p. 244).
Effort: listening carefully causes physiological body changes = heart rate quickens, respiration increases and body temperature rises. Listening is tiring in the same way as exercise can be.
Faulty Assumptions: three examples are 1) we assume we have already heard it before 2) we assume your speaker is speaking too simply or what they are saying is too obvious to deserves attention 3) we assume the subject is too complex.
External noise: Background noise (traffic, music, television etc.) makes it impossible to hear everything.
Lack of apparent advantages: the listener has egotistical reasons for not listening such as “my idea is better” “it’s more important for me to get recognized than to hear their idea” “their idea is going to help”
Lack of training: Listening isn’t like breathing a person has to practice to become a good listener.
Hearing problems: people with spouse that are losing their hearing feel annoyed (75%) and/or ignored, hurt or sad (25%). (page 239, 245, 246, )
12 Careful listening and bodily changes
A careful listener shows responsiveness by keeping eye contact, reacting with appropriate facial expressions. A careful listener sends messages too, but they are non-verbal. (244)
13 Questioning 249, 250
Questioning is a listening style that is the most popular because people like being asked for more information.
There are sincere questions which are good but there are also counterfeit questions which are meant to send their own message.
Counterfeit questions include = tag questions, a question that makes a statement, questions with hidden agendas, questions that seek “correct answers”
14 Perception checking
Is offering a question to check to see if your perception about what is happening is really happening. So the question needs to include a 1)description, 2)interpretation and 3)a request for clarification. (p. 250)
15 Dual-process theory
Mindful and Mindful Listening:
Mindless listening is reacting automatically and routinely,
without much mental investment. (superficial, cursory) p. 237.
Mindful listening on the other hand is giving careful and thoughtful attention and responses to the messages we receive (ponder, contemplate) p. 238.
16 Listening style
Poor Listening Styles (Ineffective listening) page 241 +
Psuedolistening Pretending to listening, can take more effort than mindless listening
Stage hogging “conversation narcissists” us strategy of shift-response to change subject to self
Selective listen to only what interests listener; rejects the rest; good for screeningout tv commercials, unwanted noise
Insulated “don’t hear” ignore or acknowledge hearing something they don’t want to hear
Defensive what they hear is interpreted as a personal attack; ex. Teenagers, insecure people
Ambushing listeners who listen in order to attack; good for prosecuting attn.
Insensitive respond to what is not important; ignore real issue or important comments
Prompting Listening response that is good when done sincerely, encourage speaker with phrases like “What happened next?” “Go on. . “
Chapter 8 – Communication and Relational Dynamics (18 questions)
1. Interpersonal relationship stages
(First stage on attractiveness but that wears off and physical appearance becomes less important. As romantic relationships endure the people create positive illusions about their partner.)
Stage 1. Initiating – short, quick times of communicating over introductions or about the weather which can indicate our interest in the other person, called making contact.
Stage 2. Experimenting – Now you have to decide if you are interested in going further with than the initial stage of the relationship “uncertainty reduction” is when you gain new information about the person. Small talk is prevalent.
Stage 3. Intensifying – communication changes on several levels including facial expressions and may speak more directly about themselves. Indirect indications are like spending more time is spent together.
Stage 4. Integrating – this is the stage where people are recognized as a couple or as best friends because they are so often together other regard them as being in a close relationship. We feel a responsibility to share with the other person and maybe take care of them.
Stage 5. Bonding – cohabitation, living together, When a couple goes public with their relationship by making a public commitment like getting married. (279)
Stage 6. Differentiating when a person in a couple needs time alone (280)
Stage 7. Circumscribing (281) opposite of integrating, loss of quality & loss of commitment
Stage 8. Stagnating (281) no sense of joy in relationship, just going through routine no feeling
Stage 9. Avoiding (281) stopping of communication; physical distance
Stage 10. Terminating – ending of the relationship; disassociation; (281)
2. Social exchange theory
Semi-economic theory some social scientists feel is important in explaining both impersonal and personal relationships. It is called a semi-economic theory because the benefits are judged by the people in the relationships as being enough to not enough. So when one of the people for example in a couple feels “under benefited” then that means the relationship is not going well. This can be calculated by subtracting the Costs from the Rewards to establish the “outcome” which can indicate whether the social exchange is in the plus or minus range.
3. Stagnating – the excitement goes out of the relationship there are no more surprises and maybe even the joy has gone out of being together.
4. Openness-privacy dialectic the tensions between couples for finding balance between disclosure- sharing all kinds of information and keeping information to ones self (284)
5. Affinity how much you like and appreciate each other (295)
6. Predictability-novelty the tension between how much of the relationship becomes a habit and how much it changes, offers surprises, interest. Too much stability vs not enough excitement (285)
7. Segmentation being open about some things but not others (286)
Benefits of forgiveness less likely to repeat the action or words that hurt (292 ) reduce emotional stress and aggression, improve cardiovascular functioning (293)
Indicators of committed relationship on page 24 Table 8.1
Relational Transgressions betrayal, verbal assault, stalking out in anger, withdrawal (292)
Message: Content and Relational Dimension
Meta communication verbal and non verbal exchange of messages (296)
Dialectical tension The challenges to successful communication (283) connection vs. autonomy (283), openess versus privacy (284), predictability-novelty (285) denial there is a dialectical tension (285); disorientation, alternation, segmentation, balance, integration, recalibration (286) and reaffirmation (287)
Relational messages affinity- how much you like &/or appreciate each other (295), immediacy- degree of interest and attention 295, respect – holding each other in high esteem 295, control – how much power is held such as in conversations, making decisions 295 & 296
Two key ingredients in successful self-disclosure maintenance (289) and commitment (290)
Rules about self-disclosure in cultures Understand the cultural differences (288-2289); motivation, tolerance for ambiguity, open-mindedness, knowledge of other culture practices, flexibility: adaption to each others style (289).
Chapter 9 – Intimacy and Distance in Relational Communication (24 questions)
Dimensions of Intimacy Physical, intellectual and emotional page 305 and sometimes shared activities
Clichés, facts, feelings, opinions and interpretations these are degrees of self disclosure page 315
Male and female intimacy styles and relationships female= personal talk; male=doing things together p.307
Definition of self-disclosure pg 312 deliberately sharing significant info about onesself
Social penetration model figures 9.1 and 9.2 (328)breadth and depth of info shared
Reciprocity once you share info the other will share info with you p. 317
Self-disclosure table 9.1 sharing significant info about yourself p. 313
Hints vs. equivocal statement hint is more direct than equivocal statement; a hint requires a response/ equivocal statement is ambiguous to save from rejection, from telling a lie, p 329,330,331
The Johari window p. 316 in a frame the 4 windows of self-disclosure what we know, what we are blind to, what we hide and and what is unknown = all about ourselves
Privacy management pg 310 how privacy is managed on internet(will info stay private)
Identity privacy is the issue, important privacy
Psychologist Roy Baumeister and number of important relationships in a person’s life at any given time pg. 310 four to six close relationships at any given time
Risks of self-disclosure pg320 rejection, negative impression, decrease in relational satisfaction and on p321 loss of influence, hurting the other person
Alternatives to self-disclosure pg. 326 to 331, silence, lying, equivocating, hinting
Benevolent lie pg 326 “non malicious lie” or helpful lie
Average lie rate “three fibs for every 10 min. of conversation (326) and see Table 9.2 Page 328 for breakdown
Equivocating equivocal language which isn’t exactly lying bottom, being vague intentionally or unintentionally,it spares hearers feelings in some instances, etc. page 329 to 331
Chapter 10 – Improving Communication Climates (21 questions)
Communication climates are the emotional tones of the relationships pg 340 to 341.
ex. Best indicator of marital satisfaction, everyone is influenced by these climates (just like the weather) etc.
Impervious page 342, the listener responds but not to the message of the speaker
Disconfirming messages impervious, interrupting, irrelevant responses (p 342 to 343) tangential, impersonal, ambiguous, incongruous
Confirming messages positive, affirming messages that help the self esteem ex of confirming response to criticism p. 347, confirming messages allow for a positive climate p 371
Tangential response recognizes a disagreement, pg 343 or differences in ability to meet or something like that then turns to a different subject, (transitional to avoid fight)
Ambiguous responses pg. 343, not giving straightforward information so both parties are clear on what has been talked about and what has been decided
Escalatory conflict spiral parties involved in disconfirming communication which escalates to other unhappy subjects or events and spirals out of control 346
Messages shaping the communication climate = verbal and nonverbal page 345 relational climate forms when 2 people start to communicate. can be positive or even spiral out of control;a relational climate can include non verbal messages too joining person to talk, avoiding person, smiling, frowning
Endorsement Listening the listener agrees with the speaker and/or finds the message important p 345 ‘agreement’ is the most common, this type of listening is a very important confirming message
Satisfied couple: 5 to 1 ratio satisfied couples communicate with about 5 positive to 1 negative statements. Dissatisfied the ratio is 1:1 page 341
Intention statements one part of the assertive message (356) & bottom page 359 top of page 360 a. where you stand on an issue, b. requests of others, c. descriptions of how you will act in the future
Descalatory conflict spiral p 347 can be destructive, there is a lessening of time spent together or can be positive = using compliments , kindness
Presenting Self p 344 the face we present to the public, how we appear to others also see page 371
Cognitive dissonance a type of defensive reaction where what critics say and what you experience or perceive as the truth don’t agree pg 349.this can be resolved by presenting a positive self.
Defense mechanisms (verbal aggression pg 344 tendency to attack self concepts in another to inflict psychological damage, compensation p 349 a strength in one area to cover up a weakness in another area, displacement p 349 threaten people or object who/that are less threatening then those that threatened us first, apathy (349) acknowledging unpleasant info but pretending you don’t care
Used to guard one’s own presentation of self, face;
“You” language p 350, opposite of I language; you language more destructive,
Indifference example p 346 “mutual indifference” both parties “don’t care” and p 352 a neutral attitude that indicates you don’t care about the other person or the message; is is disconfirming p 371
Elements of assertive/clear message p 356 to 358, Behavior, Interpretation and Feeling
Chapter 11 – Managing Interpersonal Conflicts (18 questions)
Conflict “exist due to incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference of achieving goals” definition on page 378 bottom “expressed struggle between at least 2 inter dependant parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarece resources, and interference from the other party in reaching their goal.”
Avoiding avoiders refuse to fight by leaving falling asleep etc. p 387; see table 11.1 on p 389 for comparison; avoiding is a lose-lose situation p 381;page 382 avoiding = when people nonassertively ignore or stay away from conflict
Accommodating see table 11.1 on page 381 lose/win your way; page 383 allowing others to have your way by not asserting your own needs or desires.
Crazymaking page 385 when people have feelings of resentment, anger or rage that they are unable or unwilling to express directly. Turn into passive-aggressive behavior
Relational conflict styles Relational conflict styles: a. avoiding lose/lose b. accommodating lose/win c. competing win/lose d.compromising lose/loe
page 391 and 392 a. Nonintimate-aggressive use of direct expression or sarcasm b. Intimate-Aggressive lovers or intimate relationships when aggression such as loud arguing is done, works for some couples c. Intimate-Nonaggressive close relationship, low number of attacks, mangae to maintain relationship with this style
d. Nonintimate-Nonaggressive avoidance of conflict in relationships; can be stable in close relationship but not an energetic communication style
Conflict ritual long term relationships that settle into a particular pattern when conflict comes up p. 393
Win-win - problem solving construction communication style, both parties have their needs met Collaboration “our way Table on definition page 387
Conflict style and biological makeup “every relationship of any depth has conflict” 380 gender can effect conflict rituals p. 394 cultural difference Anglo vs Latino etc p 23; (DNA is not destiny referenced in chapt 2)
The assertive message format pg 399-401 Set a date (set time aside); consider your partner’s point of view; negotiate a solution; follow up the solution
Reference
Adler, R.B. and Russell F. Proctor II. Looking Out, Looking In. 13th Ed. Wadsworth. 2010. Chapters 7-11. Print and Web <http://myhome.cengagebrain.com/cb/dashboard.htm>.
