Introduction
Conflicts are inevitable in the world we are living in today. People exhibit different shared values and beliefs which more often than not lead to misunderstandings and end up creating tension when communicating. The way an individual responds to a conflict always plays a role in limiting or enabling their success in life (dealing with people). With the right tools to comprehend a conflict, one can understand their conflict patterns and thus have the control to make more valuable choices when they are faced with conflict. The way a person manages conflict at a personal level always reflects some extent their characteristics. Hence, in this paper I will be discussing the types of conflict management styles as per Thomas-Kilmann mode of handling conflict, my personal conflict management style, button pushers in my life and possibly a way to change the way I handle conflict in the future.
Types of Conflict Management (Meier, 2011).
Thomas-Kilmann state that there are five conflict management styles which are accommodating, avoiding, collaborating, competing and compromising. Accommodating is a style where one cooperates to a high-degree. Always at one's expense, thus diminishing their goals, objectives and desired outcomes. This mode is most effective when an individual is working or in a relationship with a person that is an expert or the person has a better understanding and a solution that will be useful in saving a relationship with other people in the future. Avoiding is where one does all the possible things in their capability to not face the issue at hand. In this way, they are not helping either the parties concerned or themselves in achieving the goal set or getting past the conflict. It is a convenient strategy when the issue at hand is not of importance and maybe you do not stand a chance to win in the conflict resolution. People do this in anticipation that the conflict will resolve itself eventually. Collaborating is a scenario, although rare, where the parties involved work jointly to resolve the dispute. It is not a win-lose scenario, but its purpose is to have a win-win scenario. Thus, both parties get out of the conflict happy with the results. Here each party's point of view is heard, but the pitfall is that there will be a party that needs more convincing. Competing is where the parties involved come with the mentality that it is a win or lose situation, and many, often, prefer the winning. There is always "my idea is the right way" and none other way exists. Compromising is where parties are in a state of lose-lose. No one achieves their goal in the conflict resolution and its, usually, best if both parties notion is equally important, so they meet half way.
Personal Conflict Style
Well, looking at my life, in one way or another, at some point in a conflict I used all the above forms of conflict resolution at different situations. So am torn to base my style in which type of conflict management style. But again according to my personality and past events in conflict that I have encountered I must say that my personal conflict style is collaborating, avoidance and compromise. The three are the majority I have used in many scenarios. Depending on the sort of conflict or the situation, it emerged from, I am able to react to a particular conflict either as a collaborator, an avoider or I compromise. In conflicts that I think and feel am the one who initiated it or am in the wrong, I, usually, collaborate with the other party involved. In conflicts that I feel like there is no leeway or basis of it being solved and that the other party is a vapid narcissist, I generally avoid search. Because there is no winning or coming to a conclusion in such conflicts with that kind of person. In conflicts that I know my way is the right way, but the other party's point of view is somewhat compelling too, I like to compromise my views, and we meet half-way. The three forms I adopt in resolving conflicts plays right into my personalities as a person. Since am open-minded but reserved, I base my decisions majorly in the thought process, but rarely on feelings, hence the types of conflict management styles play right into my bouquet.
The following are situations that show my basis of the analysis that made me conclude on the three styles. Whenever am dealing with family conflict, whether am right or wrong, I always like to be in a compromising posture. Family to me is everything and I treasure it a lot, so no matter the situation at hand that brings about conflict among us, I always prefer for it to be solved immediately and see past the conflict. Many times I find myself coarse when discussing a family issue (contempt). But the good thing about all the scenarios I have compromised in any family conflict, at some point a family member who was on the wrong always acknowledges later that they were wrong and apologize. And also when I act stupidly I always find myself going back to apologize for my rudeness. The other scenario that depicts my style of avoidance is whenever I get into a conflict with this friend that have known for five years. Well, she is a good person when all is alright between the two of you, but when you get into a fight or disagree on something, she always thinks that her way is the right way. She has never been on the wrong in all the five years I have known her. It is always about her, she despises everyone that has not made her acquaintance, and nobody is better than her. She considers herself as the most beautiful girl in our town. She is the best definition of a typical vapid narcissist. I am her friend, but that character and attitude are at times ( often ) directed towards me. So whenever we are in a conflict I prefer to avoid it and look the other way. There is never winning with her (defensiveness and stonewalling). The third scenario is my collaborating style of resolving a conflict. This style I find myself, frequently using it at school when discussing assignments and class work. I like to gain knowledge and anyone that offers a different perspective to solve a learning problem that is different from my notion of how it should be. I always welcome and collaborate with them to find out the best and easiest way to go about the problem. This style has brought me this far in my education, and I must say it has aided me to perform well in all my studies (recognizing criticism). This discussion recognizes the Gottman's Four horses as I apply myself in resolving all my conflicts.
I have had quite the experience with "button pushers", they are in my life. It's when one has an automatic, negative reaction to something that often indicates a hypersensitivity. The sensitivities may be associated with wounding childhood experiences, like being criticized, rejected or controlled repeatedly (Houng, 2013). For example, in a case where an individual's parents were controlling them that someone would resist sub-consciously when asked to do something. No matter how evolved, patient or mature emotionally someone is, let's face it, we all have to deal with people who push our buttons to the point you might lose yourself and we often say "don’t push my buttons". It is the thing that makes us angry, upset or stir a reaction that doesn’t feel exquisite, but the reality is that it's all about as a personal thing. How we react is completely about us, and nobody can make us feel anything. Thus, when solving a conflict, nobody can make your decision or make you bow out of the argument. Schutz identifies that people have interpersonal needs like need of control, inclusion and affection which may play a part in one using this needs to push another button. Some only push other's buttons as a defensive mechanism or in the bid of saving face in situations where they know they are in the wrong. This might affect the style of conflict resolving since one may end up thinking of themselves and not the other party. In this scenario, many tend to employ the competing style of conflict style. A win or lose situation with the losing party always feeling shamed. In my life the main people who have always pushed my buttons are the competitive friends, who never want me to be better than them in anything. When I beat them at any situation, they will always find a way to take the glory away. Such always make me use the avoidance method of resolving conflict.
My conflict styles as discussed above are compromise, avoid and collaborate styles. I believe these are my conflict styles since of the personality I exhibit. McIntyre believes that conflict management styles are related to personality types. Ernest (1993) declares that by relating Thomas-Kilmann conflict management styles to Myer-Briggs Type Indicator of personality shows that individual who have an intuitive reaction when faced with conflict tend to adopt the collaboration style and those that are branded to be thinking people when faced with conflict always use the avoidance or compromise style. A splendid clarification as to where my conflict styles emerged from. I have nothing against culture, gender or family issues; it is all about personality.
My plans are probably to change my avoidance technique of conflict resolution. This is because it doesn’t help me at all but just postpones an issue that might eventually creep back into my life at some point. For my confidant whom I deem to be a vapid narcissist. I have always avoided confronting the conflict between us, and I think the issues are piling on me, which is getting heavier, and this is drawing me away from her. She will lose a dear friend soon, and I must say I would like those odds. It's for the better and in a case where am dealing with such a person in the future again, I would use this method.
Conclusion
So no matter the type of conflict style one adopts, they should always check that a positive result is achieved. If your style gets you a negative result, then, one should ruminate on changing it to another and work to achieve it. Positive results are the best outcome of a conflict.
Reference
Earnest, G., & others,. (1993). Conflict Management Styles as Reflections of Jungian Personality Type Preferences of the Cooperative Extension's North Central Region Directors and District Directors. Summary of Research SR 71. ERIC.
Houng, W. (2013). Don't Push My Buttons! How To Stop Button Pushers By Eliminating Your Buttons - The Life Oasis. The Life Oasis. Retrieved 6 October 2014, from http://thelifeoasis.com/dont-push-my-buttons-how-to-stop-button-pushers-by- eliminating-your-buttons/
Meier, J. (2011). Five Conflict Management Styles at a Glance : Sources of Insight. Sourcesofinsight.com. Retrieved 6 October 2014, from http://sourcesofinsight.com/conflict-management-styles-at-a-glance/
