Personal Journal Entry
Yes, I know it has been a long time since I felt like writing. Now that I think of it, I can’t even believe it myself how long- it was June, 2012 when I last wrote any piece of writing. Anyway, it all happened for a reason and now, thank God, I am back, as good as new.
I must admitthe last 5 years have been a great pain in the neck, but now there are about to end, I feel more than relieved. Just want to get up one morning and just it all behind like a bad dream that was shadowed by the bright light of the new sunrise. From the moment I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer I have been fighting with beasts and witches. At first, it was a shock, then thoughts about the things I have not yet done, seen, tasted, experienced, sensed, lived, anticipated overwhelmed me and brought me down on my knees. It was then when my grandfather’s words came rushing inside me : “Dream on, my dear.dreams will keep you aliveas long as you still have the strength to long for a brand new day and perceive it as a brand new start, you will never get lost”. That is the moment I snapped. I had to fight it. And not only that.I had to beat it and make it part of my past. I really had loads of things to live for and for those I would give my fight.
Well, it wasn’t a road laid with rose pedals waiting for me, as I had a hysterectomy performed. I felt like I was split inside. Something like been left half woman at the age of 23. Too soon, yet, there was nothing else I could do. At that point, I could not afford thinking miserably, or about the fact that I could never have a child.
Luckily, I made it through the first six months and my oncology checkup came out regular. The next huge marker and most significant milestone was that of the 5 years, when a cancer patient steps out of the “in remission” stage and enters “all clear”. All through the upcoming years I had decided to live a perfectly normal life, going to the gym, hanging out with my friends, visiting places I have always wanted, meeting new people and watching out for my health and wellbeing more than never before. Luckily, in a travel of mine, I met this terrific old man that you can describe as guru, who taught me how to yoga and meditate the right way, rather than the changed western-like style most adopt. I felt I could find peace in the middle of a million people talking around me, and I found ways to reach a tranquil state of mind that allowed me to keep calm and positively thinking.
However, when the 5-year market approached, I was dominated by bits and pieces of nervousness and didn’t want to talk about reaching my milestone before I actually do, as a means to avoid provoking my fate. How bizarre twists can a human mind take! I was never a superstitious kind of individual, yet, at this point, I was performing and thinking as one. What I have been avoiding and dumping off my mind’s data store for the last 5 years, has come on strong bringing doubts to me. What if cancer had a nasty surprise for me and decided to re-visit me after 4 years and 360 days or something?
I was feeling tired, maybe more tired than usual and had had some strange abdominal tenderness that made me feel cautious about me approaching my so-aspired 5-year maker. I knew well that symptomatology of ovarian cancer includes abdominal tenderness and bloating, which is what I had been feeling occasionally. Anyway, my CA125 level was 16, which is considered a normal level. However, my doctor ordered an ultrasound scan, just to make sure all was right. The sonographer showed nothing worrying and all was fine.
You can only imagine my surprise when I heard from my doctor asking me to discuss having a hysterectomy as my scan showed worrying indications that we couldn’t afford to overlook.
I am one of the lucky ones as I have finally reached my 5-year marker and now I am “ALL CLEAR”!!!
Now that it is over, it seems like a distant memory that I had cancer and struggled to shed it off of me. My life is back on track and I feel great. In fact, I have joined a non-profit organization that provides emotional and psychological help to cancer patients. After all I have been though, I think I make a good fit for it!
