“Hey, Dad. What do you think about hospice care?”
“Why are you asking me that now? Did Dr. Kellman tell you something I don’t know?”
“No, I just wondered if it came down to it would you want to be put into a hospice or die at home?”
“Oh, Jerry, isn’t this a little premature? I mean, Dad’s only 56!”
“55!”
“Sorry, honey, but I can’t keep it straight either. Are you talking about both me and Alan?” Marge asked with curiosity.
“Both of you,” Melanie confirmed. “Jerry and I got into a discussion the other night about what would happen if, heaven help us all, something serious were to happen to you or Dad or both of you, and realized that we don’t really know what you want towards the end.”
“Well I, for one, do not want any heroic efforts performed on my behalf. If I’m on my way out, let me go,” Alan said clearly.
“Me too,” said Marge, “So I want a DNR—Do Not Resuscitate—order by my bed. As for Hospice care, I would much prefer to be taken care of at home, but I know that that is not always
possible—that sometimes people are just too ill to stay at home. So if I have to go into the hospital or an assisted living situation, that is all right with me too.”
“Me too,” said Jerry. “Say, I’m glad we are having this talk tonight. We’re all adults now; we can handle the topic of death and dying.”
Everyone nodded their heads, all four of them, but each member of the family was actually quite stirred up. The thought of losing Jerry or Marge was painful beyond measure, and the thought of losing one of the kids was unbearable. They were a very close family and each had shed their own private tears over the idea of losing any family member.
“Hey, do you guys know anything about the Hispanic culture and how they handle death and grieving?” Melanie asked. “I learned a little about it in school. The Hispanic culture is very tight-knit, and dying family members are usually taken care of by other family members. It is very rare for a Hispanic family to avail itself of the services of Hospice or other outside agencies. The dying person is really revered, rather than shunted off to die in some anonymous nursing home. And the Hispanics believe that after death, the loved one lives on as a spirit and never disappears. It’s all pretty cool.”
“Yes,” said Marge, “It’s a shame that our culture doesn’t revere the dead and dying the same way that other cultures do. The Chinese also consider their elders to be of the greatest importance in their culture.”
“Well, we’ll make sure that you are revered when the end is near.” Jerry said. “In fact, we’ll start revering you now. What extra special thing could we do for you to make you feel revered?”
“The dishes?” Marge asked hopefully. “Wash the SUV tomorrow?” Alan asked.
“Sure,” Jerry and Melanie said, laughing.
“What about funerals versus cremation?” Marge asked. “We’ll have to make that choice.”
“Cremation,” both Marge and Alan said together. “No funeral dirges for me,” added Marge. “Cremation it is.”
“And what do you want done with your ashes?”
“Hmm,” said Marge. “Bury them with Bruno’s?” (Bruno had been their much-beloved black Great Dane.)
“How’s this for an idea, Alan said. “Bury some of the ashes with Bruno and scatter some of them along the shoreline at the Point.”
“Eww,” said Melanie, “That will meaning having to open the box and sift through them. Eww!”
“Yes,” said Jerry, “That is exactly what it will mean. How bad can it be? It’s our final request!”
“Okay,” Melanie sighed. “You know I would do anything for you, Dad.”
“How ‘bout some music while we scatter? A little Metallica, perhaps?” Alan suggested. The whole table cracked up. “I think Luciano Pavarotti might be my more our style,” Marge said.
“So some of this stuff is decided—now we need to be sure we get it written down, and make it legal. I’ll call the lawyer on Monday. Too many people let this stuff slide and don’t do anything about it until it is too late. We should have Powers of Attorney too, all of us.”
“This is all kind of gloomy,” Melanie, the youngest, said.
“Aw, hon’, no, it’s not. It’s just reality,” Marge replied. “Something could happen to any of us at any time and think how awful we’d feel if we hadn’t had some discussion like this. I think we could probably have some more—we just scratched the surface tonight. Maybe we could all learn a bit more about death and dying in other cultures and around the table some night. We could talk about different kinds of wakes, for example.”
“Well, thanks everyone,” Alan said. “I know that this isn’t the easiest topic of conversation for any of us and I appreciate your participation. Don’t forget the SUV, Alan!”
“Yeah, Dad, I know.”
