The book “The language of love and respect” focuses upon marital relationships and the need for an emotional bond in a relationship. According to the author, Emerson, suggests that men and women both have certain emotional needs which are ought to be fulfilled by their partner in order for a relationship to be healthy. The most striking point about the book is that it has taken verses from the Bible and demonstrated the practicality of those in real life. This suggests that the Bible has real life relevance, and if it is read with the intention of understanding then people are able to gain tremendously from it. The Bible does not only bring an individual closer to religion, but it teaches life lessons about how to deal with the practicalities of everyday life. The relationship between a husband and wife is just one issue addressed by the Bible. Moving onto the book itself, the basic aura of the book revolves around the fact that women need love while men need respect in a relationship. The need of both the sexes is as strong as air which is required by humans to breathe. In case, either of the two partners are unable to get what they need the relationship will be unstable.
The difference between needs and wants are often highlighted time and again which goes to prove that both of them are different in nature. People can live without having their wants fulfilled, but survival becomes difficult if needs are not catered for. In the book, Dr. Emerson goes on to identifying a similar issue which is often faced by married couples. These differences may not seem significant in the early years of marriage, but as time progresses it becomes increasingly difficult to deal with unfulfilled needs. In the book, the author has specifically identified a quote from Corinthians which says that marriage is not a sin, but it is not without its problems either. This quote, in other words, points out that couples are ought to get into disagreements and arguments, but that does not mean the relationship is doomed. It is the beauty of marriage that people should learn how to deal with each other and understand the needs and emotions of their partners.
Dr. Emerson, specifically points out that women react when there is a lack of love while men react when there is a lack of respect. If a couple continues without understanding the root cause of their reactions, they are trapped in a vicious cycle which Eggerichs refers to as the “Crazy Cycle”. This cycle has led to the breakup of marriages in the extreme cases. Moving on, Dr. Emerson discusses another cycle titled “Energizing Cycle”. In this part of the book, the author takes help from two acronyms namely; COUPLE and CHAIRS. These acronyms are indicative of the fact that it is the woman’s respect for her husband’s that drives a man to love his wife; whereas, the love of a husband is the driving force for a wife to respect him. In other words, it is a relationship of reciprocity in the deeper sense. It is in the Rewarded Cycle that the author makes references to the Scripture and Christ. Closeness to the teachings of Christ according to Emerson would bring about a positive impact upon a relationship. The essence of the book revolves around the communication gap that seeps into marriage and households. People are unable to identify the root cause of many problems because of which they often end up in troublesome situations. It is not always easy to identify the root cause of a particular circumstance, but optimistic couples are often able to find a way around their problems through a series of compromises and other mutual understandings (Schoefiel & Elizabeth et al, 2012). Paul J. Meyer states “Communication is the key to personal and career success”. The quote by Meyer explicitly states that couples need to be able to talk to each other to clear their differences.
Through his book, Emerson, has been successful in identifying the communication gap that exists amongst couples. This communication gap extends amongst family members if the couple is unable to resolve them at an early stage. Today, it is not uncommon to come across couples who are undergoing sensitive stages in their relationship because of a communication gap. When couples are unable to understand each other and have the patience to listen to their partner, then they often end up in a conflict or a heated argument. It is during these arguments that the rash and irrational decisions are made which one might regret once the anger has cooled down. One of the reasons for psychologists and counselors to advise against decision making when one is in a state of anger is because it leads an individual into making decisions which they would not under normal circumstances. The book is a true reflection of the various cycles couples are often entrapped within and are unable to recognize. Communication gap between couples may be passed onto their offspring’s, and this could have a devastating impact upon the upbringing of these children. In support of the need for effective communication amongst parents and children Jada Pinkett Smith states “My belief is that communication is the best way to create strong relationships”. When a child sees his/,her parents are unable to communicate effectively with each other they may be hesitant to put forth their concerns. If the parents are always bickering over petty issues, the child may not feel important or may not want to bother the parents with his/her issues. Consequently, the parents are never going to know what is going on in their child’s life; thus, extending the communication gap in this area as well.
Children move out of their parent’s household around the age of 16 to 18. Once a child is out of his parent’s abode they feel independent and if they have experienced a communication gap during their stay at home they would often feel disconnected once they move out. Parents who make an effort to stay in touch with their independent children often portray that they are concerned; thus, the communication gap is narrowed. However, if the parents are too busy dealing with the communication gap that exists between them then they may sideline their children once they have shifted out. This problem is of growing concern in recent years because children have opportunities such as professional counseling where they can vent out their emotions. It is the parent’s responsibility to understand their children as Peter Drucker says, “The most important thing is communication is hearing what isn’t said.” Once couples are on the same wavelength they are better able to understand their partner’s needs as outlined by Dr. Emerson. Even though, it may be considered an idealistic state to assume that the partners are able to understand the psyche about their counterpart, but we can say that over time a mutual understanding does develop in healthy relationships. The idealistic state may be similar to a famous saying by Francis Chan, who states “With my natural communication abilities, I could probably gather a crowd even without the spirit”.
The book is a helpful guide for couples who may or may not be faced with a situation of conflicting interests. The author gives real life examples that allow the reader to be able to relate to and learn from the crux of the story. However, the author has been unable to describe what he meant by the term respect. The meaning may change from honor to dignity, to admiration as the reader goes through the book. If the author was able to show clearly what the term respect actually meant then maybe, the interpretation of the book may be unanimously agreed upon. Under the current circumstances, each individual may identify with the author in a varying sense.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has been able to uncover a very important and crucial issue of today’s modern society. Couples often spend hundreds of dollars on counseling and eventually they do not gain anything productive out of it. Through his book, the author, touches upon issues that are commonly faced by couples and often go by unnoticed, but they eventually lead to bigger problems. Just like it is important for businesses to identify the root cause of the problem; consequently, within relationships as well these problems need to be clearly identified. The book is also useful in shedding light upon the communication gap that may arise and cause problems for the entire family.
Works Cited
Schoenfeld, Elizabeth A., Carrie A. Bredow, and Ted L. Huston. "Do men and women show love differently in marriage?." Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 38.11 (2012): 1396-1409.
Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. The Language Of Love And Respect: Cracking The Communication Code With Your Mate. -: Thomas Nelson, 2009. Print.
