RE: How to Improve Your Interpersonal Communication
Hallo,
Let me start by appreciating your effort in seeking advice from me on this issue of interpersonal communication. I know it is not easy for both of you to make such a decision, but I promise you that your initiative shall not go in vain. Advice from the right people is very crucial especially during the early days of your engagement. Marriage to come is not a bed of roses, but, with proper guidance you can turn it into a pleasurable experience. I have a lot in store for you, so just sit back and let me try to help you.
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A few complaints, which are common, among different young engaged couples regarding effective communication include: “he or she does not listen to whatever I say”, “we do not communicate well”, and “he or she does not listen to me”. Eventually all relationships will have issues that need to be discussed, whether these issues are big or small. To learn how to communicate and listen to one another in the relationship, both of you have to learn some basic communication skills. These skills can help you as a couple to weather through difficult issues, matters or topics that may be hard to discuss. I would now like to give you some simple concepts that I hope would be of great assistance to the both of you.
First and foremost, as the two of you communicate it is important to choose your words carefully. The main reason for saying this is to make you understand that the kind of words that you use towards your partner could have an effect on him or her regardless of whether they are meant for good or bad. The words that are used to raise an issue are often a big forecaster of how the discussion is likely to proceed. For instance, if you start you conversation using harsh words in a way to suggest that you are attacking or putting blame on your spouse, then you will have a heated discussion. In any case, it is essential and of great advantage to always avoids a situation where your listener (partner) feels there is need for him or her to put up a defense instead of simply converse. The use of soft, polite words in a calm and positive approach as you start your conversation will most definitely be perceived to be non-threatening by your partner. Thus, a safe environment will encourage your partner to be engaged in the discussion of issues you have brought forward. The words you use should be free of attack and criticism. Soft words also avert depression on the part of one partner, which in the long run may prevent break up.
Secondly, it is essential to be defined to your partner. It is very necessary for your partner to know who you really are so that he or she can know how to deal with you in different scenarios. If possible, communicate to him or her on what you like and dislike. Do not mask yourself in pretence; let your partner know who you are by your personal concept. By this, I mean that your partner should know in depth what makes you angry or happy. In this case, Jim you should know when not to cross the line in regard to making Jane angry and vice verse. Do not live as hypocrites in the name of pleasing your partner. Put all your cards on the table for the both of you to see since you are going to be together for a long time. All bad and good habits should be portrayed so that the both of you can be able to handle each other. This gives an opportunity to either one of you to live if unable to cope with the other. Many individuals in relationships live in pretence so as to avoid being left by their partners. On the contrary, such relationships do not last since the foundation is built on lies. According to research most divorces and separations are brought about by lies and manipulation. So, avoid masking your true self in the hope of a long, successful life together with you partner. Be yourself, believe it or not she or he will like you the more for honest and above all for being yourself.
The both of you, Jim and Jane, should also master the art of emotional intelligence. By this, I mean an art of communication that involves being aware of what to say, when to say it and the manner in which to say or present it. In knowing what to say, try as much as possible to deal with a single issue at any given time. Let your points be specific to the feelings, issues or observations at hand and make sure you only raise issues that are happening currently that is do not dwell on the past. In addition, avoid inclusion of negative statements that in some way attack your partner. Simply explain you concerns, keeping away from the enticement of using long description of things. Getting to the point straight away provides the listening partner with a significant opportunity to demonstrate that they are in agreement with your point. Straight to the point attitude also makes your listening partner to participate in the discussion of the issue or matter at hand.
On the other hand, you should also know when to say or raise your concerns. In the real sense, there is no such thing as the perfect time to communicate a difficult issue but sometimes are more appropriate than others. Precaution should be taken in determining what these appropriate times are. Picking a time when the both of you are not distracted by anything is recommended. At this time, both of you can be attentive and can approach the issue positively. At all cost avoid communicating difficult issues during the time for Jane or Jim’s favorite show, when he or she is just from work or during the time for another scheduled activity. If you don’t know of the favorite time to talk with him or her, simply just ask your partner when it is appropriate for the two of you to discuss certain issues. Another matter that you should take into consideration is how to present what you what to say. Make sure you are polite and not pointing fingers. Express yourself in a calm manner towards your listening partner so as to give her time to respond in kind. All these emotional intelligence would go along way averting conflicts and dangerous miscommunication between the two of you.
Another concept that the two of you should apply in your relationship for successful communication is in the form of a caution. Never assume that you know what your partner is thinking or wants to say. This at all is not safe. It is possible for you to think in your own way that since your partner knows you, he or she should be aware of what is in your mind, feeling or what you want. Assumption in any form of communication is dangerous. It is your responsibility to tell your partner your feelings and your observation on a particular situation. Indeed, what is obvious to your partner is not obvious to you. Use examples when necessary in communicating specific details. By doing this, you give your partner a frame reference for whatever it is that you are explaining. In fact, do not forget to start your discussion in a gentle manner and use the first person “I” statements. This gives rise to another concept that is important in effective communication in relationships that is one needs to speak for him or herself. Ensure always that you speak about how you feel. Describe things from your point off using words like me and I. beginning statements with words like “you” in reference to your partner can make one feel like he is being blamed or attacked.
For effective communication between the two of you in this relationship, you both need to be good listeners. Let the other express him or herself towards you to the full satisfaction. In any case avoid snubbing and straying as your partner is talking to you. Give him or her ample time to convey the message. For successful communication to take place, your partner is allowed and is supposed to ask you the listener to summarize or just paraphrase what he or she has conveyed to you to ensure complete understanding of the issue or observed situation. This is carried out by pausing as he or she communicates the issue to allow the listening partner to respond back. You can always add clarifications and corrections if the listening partner explains something different from what is intended to communicate.
Upon acknowledging that you message has been understood, now you can choose your next option. In case you communication was about a conflict, make sure you come up with a solution based on having a common ground. This means the two of you agree upon some things that can improve the situation that has been presented. As a couple, you can together be able to resolve a conflict or issue by discussing it simply. “Agree to disagree” may also be an option. Always schedule a time to discuss any identified conflict. The meaning of this is not to necessarily fix the conflict or problem, but only to show that both of you can agree on ways that can help you live with the conflict.
At this point, the both of you might need to repair or reconcile for hurt feelings. Asking for forgiveness takes center stage. This should be carried out in a manner that your partner appreciates making him feel loved. Make sure you take time during this period of reconciliation and when this process is over move on. By this, I mean do not remind your partner of this conflict again, just forgive and completely forget.
As I conclude, I would like you to note that learning these concepts and skills to promote a healthy relationship may seem unnatural and somewhat silly at first. The key is sticking to them, and any other new skill that you may learn, incorporate all of them into your communication. Attempt to use them even when things are going on well in the relationship so as to be ready when time for conflicts comes. This is easier said than done, but all in all it’s a good practice. In any case, I know you may be wondering if in a real situation these concepts can work. Health marriage experts after many years of research work with many couples have learned that the concepts really work, thus they came up with the basis of the concepts. These techniques have been used by experts on literally thousands of couples. In addition, by studying successful communication skills, these same experts are able to translate things into strategies that couples can use in their daily routine life.
It takes two to communicate well. We communicate for various reasons. It may just be to talk or to plan for details of our everyday life. On the other hand, couples like you may talk about ambitions dreams and also share ideas. From my experience as a counselor, I can bear witness that proper communication resolves conflicts. In short communication is essential for a relationship to thrive. Unfortunately, most couples do not know how to manage conflicts and are too proud to accept that they need help from a counselor. In the long run, such couples end up in separation and divorce. All couples experience conflicts from time to time, but the key ingredient to a successful marriage is how to handle through conflicts.
I hope you will find this helpful. In case you need more advice you can always contact me. I wish you a happy life together.
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