Parenting is one of the most difficult things that an individual can take on in their lifetime; it is an enormous responsibility, and when someone who is unready, incapable, or unwilling to fulfill the role of parent, the child and society often suffer the most as a result. However, some people do want to be good parents, but are unsure of the best way to parent their children. When parents are unsure of themselves, they can sometimes make parenting decisions that result in a lack of discipline and structure for the child. Children who are undisciplined may be good, attentive children, or they may suffer from adverse effects as a result of the lack of discipline in their lives. There are many different parenting styles that have been accepted as good, effective parenting styles for children. However, one key similarity between all these various parenting styles is a focus on discipline and consistency. When children have a lack of consistency in their lives, they may begin to test boundaries more readily and with greater fervor, trying to determine where the boundaries lie and what kind of behavior they will be able to get away with in the long run. This discussion will examine a number of different types of parenting styles, and determine the ways in which a lack of discipline can lead to unruly, undisciplined behavior in children. It will also examine a variety of ways that different parenting styles can alleviate key issues that can arise from a lack of discipline in a child-rearing environment.
Authoritarian and authoritative parenting are parenting styles that focus on strict control of children's behavior (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.) These parenting styles are personified as being very demanding of the child, but not particularly responsive to children's needs, wants, desires, and so on (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.). Authoritative parenting is more responsive to the child than authoritarian parenting is, however, and is more willing to work with the child, rather than having the parent act as a final authority over the child (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.). With this type of parenting, one of the most commonly-seen type of discipline is corporal punishment, or physical punishment. This type of punishment is used to physically teach the child a lesson about acceptable behavior. Authoritative parenting usually integrates physical punishment with discussion and guidance regarding the proper ways to make decisions and the consequences for certain behaviors (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.).
Authoritarian and authoritative parents still face challenges with undisciplined children. Children who are strong-willed may act out against authoritarian parents, talking back, and behaving in the ways that children are prone to do. Authoritarian parents often focus on punishment as a way to cull bad behavior from a child, but this may lead to worse problems than using discipline. Often, parents confuse punishment and discipline, using them interchangeably to describe the same behavior, when in reality, discipline and punishment can be very different actions on the part of the parent (Smith and Brooks-Gunn). For instance, if a child talks back to a parent, a parent using punishment may spank the child. However, a parent using a discipline-based parenting style may use other methods to teach the child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.
The problem arises when a parent disciplines a child for a certain action once, and then fails to do so again, or when a parent institutes a punishment for a behavior after teaching the child not to participate in a certain behavior and fails to follow through on that punishment (Watson). According to Singer et al., “ven young children, however, think parental authority has limits. Inconsistent or unclear moral messages cause confusion in the child (Grusec & Goodnow, 1994). According to children, a child has the right to disobey when the parent tries to involve a child in an immoral act or when a parent interferes in an area under the child's personal jurisdiction, such as choosing one's friends. Children's views of personal freedom are socially constructed out of negotiations and conflicts with their parents (Killen & Nucci, 1995; Smetana, 1988). Children justify obedience on the basis of avoiding punishment (Laupa et al, 1995). Retrospective studies of adults show that transgressive parental actions are quite common, such as divulging a child's secrets, breaking a promise, or falsely accusing the child (Waksler, 1996). Conflicts about parental dishonesty tend to evoke strong emotions in the child” (Singer, Doornenbal and Okma). Parents may believe that children do not notice or remember mistakes made in discipline, but children are very perceptive about the fairness of their relationship with their parents. When the equity is broken, the child almost always remembers the imbalance of power and acts out against the parent, regardless of potential punishment.
The other side of the equation is quite different. Some parents, in an effort to ensure that their child grows up free of authoritarian rule, become very permissive with their children in the hopes that their child will rear themselves (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.). When parents are too permissive with their children, they do not run the risk of the same types of parenting errors that the more authoritarian parents do, but they do run the risk of having a lack of mutual respect between the parent and the child (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.). For instance, if a parent refuses a child something when they have been raised in a very permissive household, the child is not used to hearing the word “no,” and will therefore be very upset by the experience. Like the previously-quoted research from Singer et al. that suggests that children are very sensitive to the perception of unfairness, a child who has been raised in a permissive household and then forbidden something will perceive the parent or disciplinarian as being unfair. This will lead to discipline problems for the parent or disciplinarian (Robinson, Leco, Olsen et al.). In short, although the permissive and the authoritarian parent have very different problems as a result of their parenting styles, their problems stem from the same reaction and perception from the child (Singer, Doornenbal and Okma).
Parents who are too permissive with their children may find that their children have more public outbursts as a result of the parent or disciplinarian saying “no” to the child, but the authoritarian parent has other disciplinary problems to deal with when it comes to his or her children. Finding a balance of discipline without resorting to mindless punishment is important for children, particularly children who already have disciplinary problems. Consistency is also a key factor for children with disciplinary problems; without discipline, it is difficult for children to learn the rules of a household and what rules are important to the parent or guardian.
Works cited
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Singer, Elly, Jeannette Doornenbal and Krista Okma. "Why Do Children Resist or Obey Their Foster Parents? The Inner Logic of Children's Behavior during Discipline.." Child welfare, 83. 6 (2004): 581. Online.
Smith, Judith R and Jeanne Brooks-Gunn. "Correlates and consequences of harsh discipline for young children." Archives of pediatrics \& Adolescent medicine, 151. 8 (1997): 777. Online.
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Tappendorf, Kara. "The Parent-Child Relationship: A Comparison of Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive, and Neglectful Parenting Styles.." (): Online.
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Watson, Goodwin. "Some personality differences in children related to strict or permissive parental discipline." The Journal of Psychology, 44. 1 (1957): 227--249. Online.
