Scenario 1:
Weaknesses in the existing email:
The first and obvious weakness is that Michael Ryan has not bothered to find about more about Dr. Amanda (he has her business card), so as a consequence has not had the information to make it more personal to her, such as by mentioning the name of her company and her sports club, asking after her welfare, etc.
Secondly, the email is all about him; it is entirely focused on Michael Ryan and makes little or no attempt to even mention polite niceties such as how nice it was to meet her at the recent networking event, nor does it remind her who he is by mentioning their conversation in the taxi queue.
Thirdly, it leaves further contact entirely in her court. There is no mention of a positive follow-up, and no contact telephone number, etc.
Finally, there are typos in the email, which is unprofessional.
Suggested revised email:
Dear Dr. Amanda,
It was a pleasure to meet you at the recent networking event and to hear about your hobbies as we waited for a taxi afterwards.
As you are actively involved in a leading role at your local sports club, it occurs to me that you might just be interested to know that I am currently working with a hotel group to develop their fitness and health brand. I work with them and have my academy and clients use the facilities.
As a matter of fact I am also launching my own website and I-phone application in the next two weeks and would like to link in with the health and fitness professionals with these, as well as the products I sell on my e-commerce shop and via my FB page – Michael Ryan Sports & Fitness Academy.
My main products are FITBIT, a small mobile fitness tracker, FitLine Natural sports and wellbeing supplements, and Audimas sports clothing.
If you are interested in any of the above, please visit my website www.xyfitness.com From there you can follow the link to my secondary website - www.fitnessacademy.com where fitness professionals, sports teams, companies and on-line training clients can access videos/photos/workout routines, etc, plus much more.
Please feel free to watch the demo at the fitnessacademy.me link - this is just a demo and will be revamped prior to launch, but for the moment it gives you an idea of what I am planning.
I would be very interested to share your thoughts, or hear your comments. If I may, I will contact you again in a week or so, to discuss how we might link in to our mutual advantage.
Kindest regards,
Michael Ryan
(Mobile: xxxxxxxx)
Scenario 2:
Weaknesses in the existing email:
The first weakness is that the whole tone of the email is informal and conversational and not at all businesslike.
Also, it could be couched in better ways to make Jackie aware that her input is required and at the time stated, rather than “I hope that you can make it on time.”
Thirdly, it is left open-ended in terms of Jackie’s response. Monica has not asked Jackie to confirm attendance, so could be left wondering if Jackie will attend and whether the report will be re-vamped.
Finally, there are typos in the email, which is unprofessional.
Suggested revised email:
Jackie,
Thanks for submitting that report I requested last week. Having read through it this morning, I need to ask you to include more specific information on Page 2 regarding our sales figures.
Could you also make the tone more formal in style, please? Your report is going to be read by our Executive Team, and they will be looking for evidence of our professionalism in our documentation.
Also, you need to be aware that I've called a meeting with the PR department for tomorrow morning at 11:00. Because your input would be helpful, I’d like you to make time to attend.
We will be in the small conference room. I am expecting around five people from PR although unfortunately my team will be under-represented due to sickness and maternity leave.
When you receive this message, could you please confirm that you will be attending the meeting tomorrow morning.
Also, it would be great if I could see your revised report ahead of time – say last thing today if possible?
Thanks!
Monica.
