When the word “death” is uttered, what comes to our mind? Most of the time, we think about loss, grief, sorrow, and emotional pain. Death is something that some of us wouldn’t want to think about. However, death is inevitable. Although some dies earlier than others, no one can escape it. Every people would eventually have to leave this world. As much as I am aware of this fact, I used to just ignore the idea that someone I love would eventually face death, especially the woman that I love the most – my mother. She escaped death the first time and then the second, until the inevitable happened.
I am probably the type of guy that someone would call as a “mommy’s boy.” I am proud of it, though. I adore my mother. I love her. She is smart, compassionate, and she loved me dearly with all her heart. I pretty much enjoy being around her ever since I was a kid. We used to live in Vietnam, and life with her is as good as it can get. She means the world to me, so the thought of losing her never came to my mind. At least, I never entertained the thought because I just can’t.
One day, around 40 years ago in Vietnam, death tried to steal her from me. I was still young at that time. It was a usual morning with my mother. We were heading somewhere that I could not really remember. All I know was that it’s an important errand, and I was with my mom as always. In our place, it was normal having soldiers and officers around so seeing them as we pass by didn’t bother me at all. However, the unexpected happened. Someone started firing gun shots at us. The sounds were so loud, it felts as if my heart vibrated with every fire. It happened very fast. It turned out that some Vietnam communists plotted an attack to the battle patrol team, and we just got caught in the middle of the cross fire. The gunshots were coming from every direction, and all I can remember was my mom was all over me. She was my living shield. I know I was freaking out and crying at the top of my lungs during that moment. I was just a boy. All of a sudden, I felt my mom got knocked down. She fell on the ground. I heard someone yelled, “Jesus! There’s a kid!” When I saw her lying down the road, I felt like my heart stopped beating. I tried to pull her and wake her up, but it was not as if she was just sleeping. She was wounded. I shouted as loud as I can, “Help! Help!”. Help came, and my mother was taken to the hospital. She was on a coma for several days, and it was one of the longest days of my life. Every single day, I fear that she would never wake up again, but she proved her strength. Death didn’t win this time.
After the incident, our lives moved on. As always, we were happy being together. I always accompany her and help her out even when she was doing business. One day, death attempted to take her again. We were doing business during that time at the Mekong-river in Vietnam. It wasn’t our first time, so we didn’t have any clue that something could go wrong. As I stand near my mom in the river, we didn’t notice the baby crocodile that was approaching me. It was a very silent attack. The crocodile took me by surprise as it punched its strong and pointed teeth in my leg. I was numbed with fear, but my Mom was quick to defend me. She grasped open the crocodile’s jaw and saved me. The crocodile was young, so it probably felt the anguish from my mother as it took off. My mom lost her thumb from the battle and got a critical infection. Again, fear got me. I was so scared she would die from the infection. Yes, she almost died again – almost, but I was glad she didn’t. When she got healed, I couldn’t be any happier.
After the incident, life was even more pleasant. We were together through thick and thin for 49 years. I grew up with the values and discipline that she taught me. I went to school with her as my inspiration. After escaping two near-death experiences, I never thought that I would again face the fear of losing her, but I was wrong.
On November 2014, we got a very bad news. My mother was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. Somehow, I knew that this was going to be a tough battle. At the back of my mind, though, I was trying to remember the strength that she showed throughout her life. I was trying to convince myself that just like before, she’s going to win this battle because she’s a strong one. I was trying to fight off the fear. However, the reality that no other treatment could help her started to sink in. Fear was getting the best of me again. I had to endure the agony of emotional pain every single day since she was diagnosed. It found it hard to concentrate on my classes and at work because all I could think about was my mother and how I might lose her anytime. Day by day, the fear gets stronger and there were times when I couldn’t help but cry. In one instance, I was required to read the novel “The Fault in our Stars” in one of my classes. As simple as it could have been, reading the novel was just too much to take. The novel is about a teenage cancer patient named Hazel Grace and the struggles that she face with life and love. Because the story reminds me of my mother’s condition, I didn’t get to enjoy it. I was crying from time to time as I read the novel. It was not just the fear of losing my mother that was so unbearable. What hurts me the most was seeing her suffering from physical pain and there was nothing I can do about it.
After several months, it was time. My mom succumbed to liver cancer last month. I know I won’t be seeing her again. I won’t be hearing her voice, and we won’t be sharing stories and laughter, too. It is painful, a type of pain that no words can explain. Ironically, I also felt a sense of relief, which I didn’t expect, because finally, she is free from pain. Despite the pain that I’m still feeling, I’m thankful that I was still able to share many years with my mother. Being able to escape death from the bullets and from the crocodile attack allowed her to guide me as I grew up, and I’ll be forever grateful for every single day that we spent together. Once I read the words “Death comes once but we expect it all our life. The fear of death is worse than the death itself.” After my mom died, I realized that somehow, these words are true. We tend to fear death all our life despite knowing that one day or the next, we will all face it. Most of the time, fear is actually worse than actual death. It robs us from the happiness and joy that we could have otherwise experienced. Sometimes, I think that instead of focusing on fear, I could have just enjoyed every minute of my mother’s remaining days, but I know it was hard. During that time, fear was all I can feel. However, I still have a long journey ahead of me. Sooner or later, someone dear to me will have to go again, and I know that this time, I’m stronger – just like my mother. I will try my best not to waste my time embracing fear. Instead, I will conquer it and make the most of every single day with my love ones who are still with me.
