Abstract
Grief is a personal experience. It is a process that happens internally. People who undergo significant loss don't get over it; they learn to live with it. There are losses that are not socially accepted. Individuals who experience such losses are not allowed to mourn by the society.
Loss and grief is a normal part of our lives. However, a lot of people avoid talking about the topic. Most people are not comfortable discussing death and the only time people get to talk about death is when someone dies during the culture-specific rituals that are performed after death. When someone dies, the relations to the individual who passed on may feel disoriented, confused, feel hopeless and sometimes even fall into depression depending on how the individual related with the dead person. Society and culture has over time developed rituals that not only provide an honorary send-off for the dead but also help the affected individuals to cope with the loss of a loved one.
Introduction
Rituals can be described as symbolic experiences. Rituals enable friends and families to express together their deepest feelings and thoughts important events in life such as weddings and birthday parties. Rituals are public events. They are done together with other people, be it friends, families, villages, church members or even nations. Groups that possess strong philosophical and emotional ties can hold a ritual that provides a support system for the people's shared values and beliefs. Rituals unite the individuals who engage in them.
Rituals typically follow a culture-particular established procedure. Even if the details are altered, the pattern as a whole can still be recognized. Rituals are predictable thus they make individuals that participate in them feel at ease. Also, the very actions performed in rituals are symbolic and so are the objects. The symbolic nature of rituals allows us to express our feelings and beliefs. The ritual of funerals is a traditional, symbolic and public way of expressing our thoughts, feelings and ideas about the death of someone we love.
Many types of grief can be experienced. They include; anticipatory grief, acute/unexpected grief, anniversary/shadow grief, complicated grief and disenfranchised grief. The following essay explores a funeral the author has attended. Exploring details such as the music played, whether it is secular or religious, readings, burial, and eulogy. Also, it examines the funerals social purpose, how the rituals assisted the expression of grief and grieving process, social values, the behavioral responses and attitudes exhibited by those attending the funeral and the experience of the funeral for the author. A brief summary of death and disintegration is given before the funeral experience.
Death and disintegration
When a loved one dies, there is a disintegration of the world as we know and understand it. As a result, the bereaved needs to find motivation for continuing to live a meaningful life and getting a new integration. The activities after death and funeral practices play a vital role in assisting the bereaved to deal with the grief and learn to live with it. The disintegration bereaved persons feel happens in four levels. They may feel a loss of wholeness in themselves, loss of integrity (Charles, Clyde & Donna, 2006). The eating and sleeping patterns may be disrupted by the death, and they may find themselves wondering if they are going crazy. Their sense of identity and way of living can be altered or completely shredded by the death of someone they love. Such persons have to pull themselves together and may do so by establishing a new identity or a somewhat altered identity.
Secondly, disintegration may happen at the family level. People attach different meanings to death of a close person, and also death bears different meanings to different people. For instance, the death of an individual can have economic repercussions for the family if the member who passed away was the breadwinner of the family or if he or she is the one who handled certain financial transactions. Also, a person's death may affect the way the other family members relate to each other (Charles, Clyde & Donna, 2006). The remaining relationships in the family experience disruptions. The death can create new tensions in the family, or it can uncover some old tensions. There is also a loss of social identity that may affect some of the family members. For example, if a parent dies the children may have to restructure their relationships with one another. Tasks will also have to be redistributed. As a result of this disintegration, there is need to reintegrate the family.
Thirdly, death causes social disintegration (Charles, Clyde & Donna, 2006). It is usually most evident when the person who dies is a public figure such as a celebrity or president. It causes a destabilization of the society as a whole since the work done by the person; the decisions made now have to be done by someone else who won't do them as the deceased did. For the community to be able to function again as a unit that is integrated, the societal structure needs to be reworked again.
The fourth disintegration experienced by the bereaved is spiritual disintegration. Sometimes after death, there is frustration, anger, and despair. The religious beliefs of an individual may be rigorously challenged. Some other beliefs may cause anxiety and uncertainty. At this stage, a person has the task of dealing with what he or she considers the transcendent as and realigning their view of the way the world functions.
Description of the funeral of an aunt
The funeral attended by the author is that of a close aunt. The funeral was religious in nature since the aunt was an active member of the church. The funeral process began by going to the mortuary to pick the body. The attendants prepare the body and lay it in the casket, so all the family members have to do is pick the body up. Unlike other people who may just have the body delivered to the church, the children of my aunt preferred they pick it up themselves, hence the author joined them along with other relatives in order to provide social support.
At the mortuary, family members were allowed to view the body while it is in the casket for the final time before heading to the church. During the viewing of the body there was silence only muffled voices could be heard. Viewing the body triggered a lot of emotions in the family members and there was a lot of crying and wailing. It was a moment whereby the close people were able to say the last words to the deceased.
Viewing the body, enabled the family members to seek closure and say any last words to the dead. It also offered the family members a chance of acceptance. After viewing the body, any family members or close relatives who were in denial are drawn to accepting that they have lost a loved one. Acceptance is one of the first steps in the healing process.
After viewing the body, the body was transported to the church where a priest waited to start the ceremony. At the church, gospel music meant for bidding farewell to the departed was played. The family members were all dressed in black and so was most of the congregation. First, in the church program was saying of tributes by family members and close friends. Family members were given a chance to offer their tributes to the departed and after the tributes, a short video consisting of a collection of the author's aunt's memorable moments was shown.
The short video served to remind the bereaved of the great moments they shared with her. Reminding the bereaved of the happy moments they shared with the family enabled to gain some sense of contentment that they had been able to share part of their lives with her, and they had had happy times together.
After the short video, the priest gave a short sermon. The sermon consisted of words that would give the family strength to move on and also those that would send off the aunt to a better place.
The sermon served as a relief to many family members; it restored hope in them. The sermon also restored and reassured them of their spirituality. It answered some of the questions the aunt’s family had. It enabled them to understand that death is a normal part of life and dismissed some of the myths about death. As a result, after the sermon, everyone in the church had a better understanding of what death is, thereby offering some form of contentment.
After the sermon, all that was left is to take the body to the final resting place. The casket was carried out of the church by close family members. At the graveside, the priest offered the last blessings, and the coffin was rolled down back into the ground. Close relatives held the children and husband of the aunt to console them. It was the most difficult time for the family members since this were the last moments. Finally, their mother and wife was being laid to rest. It was also tough for the sisters of the departed. The family members were then allowed to place flowers on the gravesite that was the last ritual of the funeral.
Social purposes of the funeral
Social purposes refer to the social need a specific ritual or event satisfies. Some of the social purposes of a funeral are listed below. The funeral provided closure for the bereaved. It was an opportunity for loved ones to bid farewell to the departed. The funeral served to provide support for the people who have lost their loved one (Boelen, & Van den Bout, 2005). Funerals cause people to come together and offer support in fact in some families this is the only time people come together. It shed a light to the reality that someone’s life is now over, hence, aiding the loved ones to see the situation for what it is and accept it.
Acceptance is the beginning of healing. Funerals enable individuals to express their grief in a way that is accepted by the culture. The funeral allowed those who were mourning to embrace their beliefs and faith concerning life and death. Most importantly, the funeral offers hope and continuity for those living.
Social, cultural and religious rituals that helped in the expression of grief
They include the dressing of the body of the deceased. The deceased was dressed in white, a wish she had stated before she passed away. The family chooses to honor this wish by dressing her in white as she had stated while she was alive. The way the body is prepared is a way of expressing grief.
Viewing of the body is another ritual that assists in the expression of grief. It allows the loved ones to see the individual for the last time before they are laid to rest. Provides an opportunity for family members and loved ones to say goodbye. The dressing of family members in black is another ritual and way of grieving. It enables the family to express the deep sadness and sorrow they feel through their form of dressing (Boelen, & Van den Bout, 2005). Saying of tributes to the deceased by family members and close friends is another ritual that allows the expression of grief allowing the people to say their last words. In allowing the bereaved to express their grief, the funeral helped them in the grieving process.
The social values evident in the funeral include social, emotional, psychological and physical support. The people who had come to the funeral offered the family members to the deceased social support. They consoled them and helped them do the things that may have been a bit difficult for them to do. For instance carrying the casket out. Also, the persons in the funeral offered financial support to compensate some of the costs incurred during the preparation of the funeral.
Behavioral responses towards death and grieving
Various behaviors of the bereaved relating to death and grieving may raise concerns but they tend to subside after the funeral. The behavioral responses in the funeral included social withdrawal, avoidance behavior, absent-mindedness and eating disturbances (Boelen, & Van den Bout, 2005). The daughter of the bereaved appeared to be absent minded and was socially withdrawn. She didn’t not want to speak to anyone and avoided instances where she had to talk to people. The husband of the deceased felt no need to eat even after the funeral. He also appeared to avoid anything that would remind him of his wife. He even did not wish to talk about her. These are some of the behavioral responses the family had towards grieve and response.
The sister of the deceased was restless and experienced shortness of breath when the casket was being rolled down. There was also a lot of crying at the funeral of both the members of the family and the close friends. Crying is a common behavior experienced in funerals. Crying relieves the emotional stress being experienced by the bereaved.
Feelings and reactions in the funeral
At the funeral, the author felt an intense sadness for the family left behind. The feeling may have been experienced because the aunt was a good, hardworking person who had struggled to keep her family together. The author also experienced fear. Fear of the aunt's family now that she was gone. Already the nature of the relationship between the siblings appeared strained at the funeral. The author feared that it might only get worse from there. The basis of the nature of the author's feelings are the observations made from the family and the love the author has for the aunt.
The feelings and reactions by other people who attended the funeral were based on how close an individual was to the deceased. The role that the deceased served in their lives (Boelen, & Van den Bout, 2005). The degree to which the family relied on that person for emotional support is another factor that influences how the bereaved react to the death. Depression and high grief levels are reported for the individuals who lose a person that are estranged from or had unresolved conflicts with. This complication in the adaptation of a family happens when the relationship that existed between any of the family members and the deceased consisted of an anxious-ambivalent attachment.
Conclusion
Most people view grief as an event that only happens before the deceased is buried or cremated and then goes away after that. Grief is a process that involves coping with the loss. It may take a short time or even years for some people. When we grieve, it helps us to continue living a healthy life and let the deceased go. Grieving is a process; that is painful, but it is essential that when one has suffered a loss, they are allowed to grief. The way in which people grief differs. Grief is a personal experience.
Holding a funeral for a person who has passed away has numerous benefits. However, it does not necessarily mean that the friends and surviving family members will get emotional completion from the process (Charles, Clyde & Donna, 2006). The purposes of a funeral include saying goodbye to the deceased's physical presence and remembering the individual for who he or she was when alive. It allows their family and other close ones to remember the times they shared with the deceased. Funerals are important rituals that serve certain purposes and not merely a way of doing things developed over centuries. They are important and should not just be ignored.
References
Charles. C., Clyde N. & Donna C. (2006) Death and dying life and living. Belmont, CA: Thomson Wadsworth.
Boelen, A., & Van den Bout, J. (2005) Complicated Grief, Depression, and Anxiety as Distinct Post-loss Syndromes: A Confirmatory Factor Analysis Study. Am J Psychiatry. 162:2175-2177.
