Dear Elizabeth Pineda,
The essay you have written entitled “Student Travel” was expected to contain crucial information that would support your contention that students would benefit from travelling to other countries. Specifically, you asserted that the two major advantages to be gained from travelling abroad would be to increase world relations and to see a decrease in adults’ reliance on technology in their pursuit for professional growth . It is, therefore, the aim of this letter to present a critical analysis of your arguments with the end goal of noting strengths and weaknesses; as well as suggesting ways for improvement.
The body of your essay was expected to contain arguments that would support the two major points identified in your thesis statement: that student-travel would increase world relations and that it would minimize reliance to technology as students pursue higher education. Your initial discussions provided effects of reliance on technology. Some of the impacts noted were the failure to develop social skills and the inability to establish long-term commitments at work . These arguments seem to provide an effective means to link the benefits of students’ decisions to travel abroad as instrumental in minimizing reliance on technological applications, particularly the use of social networking sites. The evidences that follow indicate that Kristen, a student who opted to travel to New Zealand and Tokyo, apparently also resorted to technological applications through blogging to document her experiences. Thus, it did not effectively support the alleged argument that students who travel abroad necessarily minimize reliance to technological applications. Concurrently, the second main point that student-travel would increase world relations was not effectively discussed or supported.
On the other hand, there were important concerns that could have validated your contention that pursuing higher education abroad would be beneficial. The emphasis on meeting new friends from other cultures, and being exposed to totally new ways of lives, could enrich knowledge through direct experience. Likewise, it was also commendable that counter-arguments were noted in terms of presenting the reasons why travelling abroad could not be considered a viable option to other students. The acknowledgement that travelling abroad is costly and exposes the students to wider alternatives that challenge decision-making purposes were well taken.
Overall, one strongly believes that although the main point asserted was clearly structured and communicated, the supporting arguments need to be revised and improved. It would have been effective to substantiate the main point through the provision of pros and cons of travelling abroad to pursue higher education. The main discourse would, therefore, present evidences that would support students travelling abroad as being advantageous through the academic experience gained from international soils. The advantages could include the support that students could gain more confidence through being more exposed to a new culture and by being accorded with opportunities to interact with other people from diverse cultural orientations. On the other hand, the disadvantages would include the costs of travelling (including costs of accommodations and education in another country), as well as being apart from family members and relatives. Additional support could also be researched in terms of finding statistics and authoritative studies that give credence to academic and future work performance of students who studied abroad: whether they are better-off or worse-off than their counterparts who opted to pursue higher education in their domestic countries.
I hope my comments would assist in improving the portions noted in your essay. Thank you for the opportunity accorded in expressing my thoughts, and I plan to re-evaluate my own writing from this perspective.
Very truly yours,
Work Cited
Pineda, Elizabeth. "Student Travel." Essay. 2014. Print.
