Abstract
Conflict is an inherent part of human beings’ everyday lives, and it is something that can be minimized, but never completely avoided. Some people are so concerned about conflict avoidance that they are unable to stand up for themselves under important circumstances; being too passive can be just as destructive as being too aggressive (Suter et al., 2009; Knapp, 2014). Deborah Smith Pegues writes a text that is targeted at the Christian individual, and outlines how the individual can participate in positive conflict in their lives (Pegues, 2009). Although no one wants conflict in their lives, sometimes it is unavoidable: Pegues (2009) splits her text into a number of theoretical structures to guide the Christian business leader through conflict-ridden experiences (Pegues, 2009).
The first section of the book discusses the idea of conflict in a Biblical sense. Pegues (2009) writes that “Every offense has the potential to cause a permanent breach in a relationship,” meaning that every time one person acts against another—whether in innocence or intentionally—they have the potential to cause serious harm to whatever relationship the two shared. Without conflict, Pegues (2009) suggests, there would be no way to mend those bridges. Conflict and confrontation allow the offended and the offender to engage in a positive interaction that can lead to a harmonious outcome. Pegues (2009) notes that effective communication is the only thing that can keep relationships of all types from falling apart. Despite the fact that most people do not mean to be offensive, offending others happens all the time in relationships: these offenses can be very destructive if they are not dealt with with effective, efficient, and clear communication and even confrontation (Gudykunst, 1993).
In the second part of the text, Pegues (2009) delves further into the concept of Biblical confrontation and conflict management, in which she elaborates on four separate styles of conflict management. Not all the styles, Pegues (2009) suggests, are equally valid; however, they are commonly seen in all environments. The first style the author discusses is the Dictator, who demands everything go his or her way without cooperation or concession. The Accommodator, conversely, gives in to nearly everything, allowing everyone else to have their way (Pegues, 2009). The Abdicator does not deal with confrontation at all, instead choosing to run away; the Collaborator, finally, is willing to find and make concessions within the area of conflict (Pegues, 2009). Every conflict is different, and different types of conflict require different responses on the part of the participants.
Pegues (2009) also discusses what she describes as the six steps to the confrontation process, which are broken down based on the needs of the offender and the offended. First, the author suggests, the individual should prepare for the encounter; the offender and the offended must both own the problem, and both individuals must speak the right words to communicate their problems with each other (Pegues, 2009). Listening to each other is also of paramount importance. Finally, the two individuals should negotiate their future behavior, and the offended must release the offender from culpability (Pegues, 2009). If this final step does not occur, then the offended and the offender are likely to have further conflict in the future. Pegues (2009) also suggests that personality has a significant role to play in the way that conflict is developed and overcome. Different personality types react to conflict very differently, and understanding how personality types are influenced by conflict can be illuminating for individuals hoping to quell conflict in the workplace or in their personal lives (Gupton, 2016).
Concrete Response
It was a beautiful day, and we were out, having coffee, and planning our wedding. I thought wedding planning would be an excellent experience for us; a chance for us—and our families—to bond and experience the best we each had to offer. I was wrong. Wedding planning was—and remains to this day—one of the most stressful times in our relationship. As always, we began the conversation calmly, but it quickly turned to bickering.
“I don’t want to spend that much of our budget on a venue,” my partner told me. “We can choose any of these other venues—they’re all in our budget.”
It was a beautiful venue, and one that I loved very much; I could imagine the beauty of the day there so much more clearly than any of the others we had seen. But it was outside our budget: my partner was right about that. We began to argue—I put my foot down, saying, “If I want this venue, you can’t stop me from booking it. We can increase our budget or take money from elsewhere.”
We separated angry that day, each going our separate ways and, I imagine, to our separate groups of friends to complain and vent.
The next day, I got a voicemail from my partner. It apologized, and said that if the venue meant so much to me we would make it work. In that second—in that moment of kindness—my heart melted and I knew that we had to continue our discussion from a different perspective. Our union was to be a Biblical, Godly one, but neither of us could dictate the entire terms of the relationship. My partner’s concession melted my heart and changed my perspective entirely.
Reflection
There are many things in this text that are not only incredibly useful for the Christian businessperson, but also for the Christian family. Relationships are difficult and conflict can put incredible stress on a family. However, there are a number of questions that are raised from this text as well, and there are problems that must be addressed. The one question that is continuously raised throughout the whole text is how to know how much flexibility and concession is appropriate in each situation. Not every situation is the same, and God does not suggest that we always give in to other people; sometimes finding balance is important, and this issue is not addressed as thoroughly as it might be.
Another issue associated with this text is complexity. Pegues (2009) separates people into personality categories, and boils them down into different groups based on their dominant characteristics; however, people are rarely that simple, and different situations can easily force people to act in different ways. This begs the question of how to deal with someone who is normally an attendant, but who has been forced into the captain role; there are always situations where people will take more (or less) of a stand than their personality normally would allow them to, and these situations can make personality typing more complex. Pegues (2009) teaches the reader to identify personality types, but there is little discussion of the true complexity of the personalities that God gave all of us. Although a helpful overview, the analysis seems almost simplistic in some ways—might there not be more complexity than the author initially demonstrates?
Action
The most important thing that I learned from this particular text is that flexibility is the most important thing when dealing with conflict. Having only one set of skills that can be associated with conflict is actually quite destructive to relationships—for instance, if one tends to be flexible all the time, there will come a time when an individual will start to take advantage of that flexibility. Pegues (2009) notes that there are times when one must become inflexible and when one must be extraordinarily flexible; the situations that Pegues (2009) describes are situations that are often made more complicated and more complex because of the actions that people take when trying to resolve the conflict.
The first thing that I am going to try to do when it comes to conflict in my life is to try to think critically about the conflict that I am experiencing before I come to any conclusions about how best to act or what actions to take. I sometimes allow my emotions—anger, sadness, frustration and hurt—to dictate how I act when there is conflict in my personal life, but instead, I want to begin to think more critically about the situation, and begin to figure out ways to determine the best way to act rather than just reacting based on my emotion at the time. Some situations might dictate that I become more aggressive, while others will need me to be more flexible and conciliatory; what I need to focus on most is the proper and Biblical way of dealing with the people in my life. I want to be able to be a loving, compassionate individual even in conflict, because I believe this is a way to avoid sin; however, this kind of behavior requires constant reflection and continued logical, rational thought. I am going to strive to think more thoroughly about conflict before I engage in it, and I want to be able to communicate my opinions effectively when I do engage in conflict—which brings me to my secondary goal moving forward.
My second goal is perhaps more difficult and long-term: I want to focus very heavily on becoming a more effective communicator. I know that when I experience strong emotions, I—like many people—have difficulty appropriately expressing myself and my opinions. After reading this text, my understanding of why appropriate and effective communication is so important was underscored, and I want to redouble my efforts to focus on this kind of effective communication in the future.
Although this kind of communication is important in business and in work, I particularly want to become more effective with my family. This goal will be harder to measure, so I have decided to begin journaling to keep track of the conflict in my life and the way I am able to handle that conflict. I hope that this method will keep me accountable both to myself and to my loved ones, ensuring that I am able to effectively communicate with them even when I am having strong emotions. I am also hoping this record will help me keep track of my failures, so that I can effectively learn from these failures and do better with communication in the future. I am also hoping that sometimes recording and replying conflict might help me better understand the communication skills that I am using (or not using), and that this strategy might help me speak less in anger and sin against my loved ones.
References
Gupton, C. (2016). DISC Personality Styles, Pt 1 - High D - About DISC Personality Test - DISC Personality Source. Retrieved 27 February 2016, from http://www.discpersonalitysource.com/about-disc-personality-test/disc-personality-styles-pt-1-high-d.html
Gudykunst, W. B. (1993). Toward a theory of effective interpersonal and intergroup communication: An anxiety/uncertainty management (AUM) perspective.
Knapp, M. L., Vangelisti, A. L., & Caughlin, J. P. (2014). Interpersonal Communication & Human Relationships. Pearson Higher Ed.
Pegues, D. S. (2009). Confronting Without Offending: Positive and Practical Steps to Resolving Conflict. Harvest House Publishers.
Suter, E., Arndt, J., Arthur, N., Parboosingh, J., Taylor, E., & Deutschlander, S. (2009). Role understanding and effective communication as core competencies for collaborative practice. Journal of interprofessional care.
