Logic & Argument
The paper is well argued. By identifying a host of factors under "How Did This Happen?" section, paper's author offers a detailed background on how current situation has developed. The argument combines effectively an analysis of sociological, legislative and gender-related factors contributing to current situation. For example, in examining a paradox of high education and unemployment for both married and unmarried women in modern Japan, paper's author manages to justify how, upon retirement of a growing number of senior working men, unemployed women have come to gradually replace retired workers and hence daycare center problem. The paper's author also manages to approach daycare problem from multiple perspectives. Form an economic perspective, for example, paper's author justifies lack of care providers by pointing out low wages care providers receive, particularly in more expensive urban areas. The paper's author concludes arguments by well reasoned, applicable recommendations suited for every income bracket.
On a flip side, paper's author presentation of her argument lacks proper organization. This is particularly clear in both Abstract and Introduction. In Abstract section, paper's author expands on explaining away her use of resources by giving specific examples. This should, in fact, be delayed in a probably a separate Literature Review section. If anything, abstracts should be as succinct and to point as possible. In Introduction, paper's author presentation of her argument borders on a Recommendation section and should be rephrased as to better provide a broader background for author's main argument. This can be achieved, for example, by rewriting introduction's very first sentence: "This paper proposes that a combination of strategies should be utilized as soon as possible to solve Japan’s daycare problem."
Flow and Phraseology
In addition to a reorganization of paper sections in order to better present paper's argument more effectively, paper's flow can be enhanced by inserting transitory sentences in and between paragraphs. For example, after first paragraph under "How Did This Happen?" (ending "[h]owever, many factors actually helped open the household doors and propel previously-unknown numbers of Japanese women into the labor force"), paper's author can start next paragraph more effectively (instead of " [f]or one thing, in the 1980s and 1990s, a large percentage of male workers reached retirement age, leaving fewer men available to work in high-paying jobs).
In addition to structure, paper's phraseology requires extensive review. If anything, word choice, coherence markers, mechanics are not often consistent to native proper language. For example, "The paper is a compendium [emphasis added] of articles and interviews that were gleaned [emphasis added] from newspapers, magazines, and journals located [emphasis added] on the internet and from electronically-obtained interviews" contains (as emphasized in bold) words which should be changed for simpler ones. This is not to mention of course sentence overall meaning, structure and flow. This sentence is closer to a Methodology sentence which needs to be rephrased in more formalized and academic manner.
On a positive note, paper's author manages to capture paper's main argument effectively by phrasing her Thesis Statement as follows: "The attitude toward women and daycare workers, their pay, and the ripple effect of those and other factors all play a role in the current daycare problem in Japan and will also be integral in fixing it."
In-Text Citation and Referencing
The paper is clearly authored in APA format. The format is, however, not followed strictly in current draft and includes numerous violations of APA style. According to APA style, in-text citation follows an Author-Year format as follows: (Author, Year). In current draft, paper's author includes incorrect in-text citations as follows: "(Japanese Women and Work Holding Back Half the Nation, 2014)," "(Japan>>Life in Feudal Japan>>Women, n.d.)," and (Explore Japan Housing, Food, and Clothes, n.d.) (Hiroshima,1983-1995)". These citations include examples of no author in which an article's title is used instead of an author's last name. The correct in-text citation should be, respectively, as follows:
("Japanese Women and Work Holding Back Half the Nation," 2014);
("Life in Feudal Japan," n.d.); and
("Explore Japan Housing, Food, and Clothes," n.d.).
Further, paper's final referencing section loosely cites references and does not stick to APA style proper. The section's heading should be changed to "References" instead of "Bibliography". For references, numerous incorrect citations occur including, for example,
"Japanese Women and Work Holding Back Half the Nation. (2014, March 19). Retrieved from The Economist: economist.com/news/briefing/21599763-womens-lowly-statusworkplace-has-barely-improved-decades-and-country"; and
"Haworth, A. (2013, October 20). Why have young people in Japan stopped having sex? Retrieved from Japan The Observer: theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex".
These should be cited correctly as follows:
Haworth, A. (2013, October 20). Why have young people in Japan stopped having sex? The Economist. Retrieved from http://www.economist.com/
Holding back half the nation (2014, March 29). The Economist. Retrieved from http://www.economist.com/
