(Word count: 1686)
Great first sentence because the reader immediately becomes interested to read more of the essay. I think it is because the sentence is true. We are so attached to our cell phones, no one really remembers a time when we did not have cell phones until we are reminded. The sentence hints about how fast technology changes. So maybe, the reader is thinking, the title is correct, maybe virtual reality will change the world. We want to read more to find out.
“There is proof everywhere in that companies constantly push the envelope” is not worded very well. I think maybe it is better to use the Subject-Verb sentence design. ‘Companies are constantly pushing the envelope and the proof is how they continue . . . “
“Virtual reality is a great example of that” Ending the sentence with the word “that” is awkward. What does the word “that” mean, maybe using the noun is better.
The first sentence of the second paragraph is very long, but the flow is good and the sentence makes the reader want to read more.
In the sixth sentence the pronoun changes, but the idea of being fair to both genders is good.
The essay is interesting, especially paragraph six. The paragraph made me think in a different way about how important visualization will be in our future. You are highly persuasive because you have definite point of view that you describe with sound reasoning. The only thing is that no references are used to back-up some of your statements. A few references would strengthen your persuasive essay.
Letter1 Answer
Dear Person 1,
I agree that you do have a good grasp of your topic. The topic is a good choice because you are excited about the subject. Your excitement on the topic of virtual reality is contagious and the person reading the essay becomes excited about the subject, too. Your writing is precise and clear. I pointed out a few problems that I am sure you will find easy to solve.
I like the way that your writing is easy to understand with an informal tone. Your chosen audience of young adults to middle aged adults is a perfect fit with your writing style and your topic. Personally, I do not like the word “utilized” because another, simpler word will work just as well. At this time “utilization” is a word everybody is using, but just because a word is popular does not mean everyone is obliged to use the word. ‘Utilization’ is a word with many synonyms including “’use, operation, consumption, exploitation, employment and deployment.’ “Utilized” in the subject portion of the sentence “Virtual reality can be utilized in many ways” can be replaced with “used,” “employed,” “consumed,” “operated,” “exploited,” or “deployed.” Utilized and utilization are personally annoying to me, but maybe you feel differently. I argue that your sentence will be more interesting with a different word.
Best wishes for all your future writing.
Paper 2 Comments
The beginning of the first sentence caught my attention “social justice” but the predicate of the sentence was too weak. I think you could include the thoughts and feelings that might be triggered in the predicate of the sentence
The word “it” is repeated many times in the second and third sentences of the first paragraph. Instead of using the word “it” so many times, other nouns should be used to better explain your topic. For example, maybe the sentence could be written like “Trying to ignore the discussions about social justice are difficult to ignore.”
I enjoyed reading your essay very much. The argument you make grew stronger and stronger as your essay continued and I think that is a good way to build an argument. The flow of the argument is very good.
Writing sentences that describe the range of a reaction is a good idea. The range of items needs to be clearly a range from one of a spectrum to another. For example, the second sentence of the second paragraph is not meaningful to me because I do not remember what the movie Creed is about. Maybe the sentence can be written like “The reason people are upset about leaving out talented blacks ranges from Will Smith’s exclusion for his recent performance in Concussion playing a Nigerian doctor to excluding Ryan Cooper the director of the sleeper hit Creed about the coming of age of a black boxer.” (I looked up Creed on the IMDB website!).
The informal, conversational style of your writing is a good fit to a topic that can be explosive if not handled well. The only thing I suggest is that you tighten up your sentences, making them shorter and to the point. Shorter sentences will move the argument more quickly to the end. Personally, I would be careful about using four letter words. I think this example works good though as long as it does not offend anyone. “. . . in the end though, is all this really an the issue? Many people do not care for award ceremonies, and the movies which win are not typically for the mainstream crowd, and hell, they’re just movies.”
Carefully written topic sentences to begin the paragraphs will help you make more paragraphs, instead of really long paragraphs. The second paragraph is too long, for example. The last sentence of the second paragraph can be the following sentence.
“The result (of the controversy) was a huge backlash from actors, celebrities, and many others, like Will Smith (add one or two more people) boycotting the Oscars
And then the next paragraph can start with a topic sentence like the following.
“However, one of the most vocal activists for diversifying Hollywood and in particular the Oscars is also set to be the host at the Oscars, Chris Rock.”
I would rewrite the next sentence as two sentences.
“Chris Rock was actually encouraged by both sides to step down, but refuses to step down from his hosting responsibilities. In fact, Rock has actually rewritten his entire monologue to include recent events surrounding the controversy.”
The word “actually” is not needed for emphasis, because the information makes an impression on its own.
I’m not really sure where you stand on the issue, though by the time I reach the end of the essay. I think you are making a good point, but the reader can become confused unless the sentences are thoughtfully written.
Letter 2 Answer
Dear Andrew,
The topic is controversial and the phrase “lots of grey area, as well as strong emotions” is the perfect description. Choosing the topic was a great self-challenge as a reason for writing a very difficult argumentative essay. You must be self-motivated to become a very good writer. Writing an argumentative essay on the Oscars controversy is a great topic and your essay demonstrates the range of emotions and opinions on the topic. As I was reading the essay I wanted to write in this letter about the topic instead of about the writing; I think that is a good sign that your essay is strong in many ways.
I am a little confused about your stand on the issue and because so many “grey areas” exist I would have like your opinion to be stated upfront. And then the rest of the essay could refer to your argument as the baseline opinion. Logos is super important and you have almost made your argumentative essay flow with logic. The only problem is to work on each sentence as a special ingredient in the essay so all the ingredients finally blend with a smash-up last paragraph.
Pathos is an underlying ingredient because of the terrible record on race the USA has from the beginning. Maybe it would be good to add a little context by mentioning the fate of the Great Nations and slavery. The whiteness of the Oscars when people of color are also skilled and talented at making movies is puzzling and you address the topic without hurting anyone’s feelings.
I do not think you are lacking in support for your claims; the references you include are good and do strengthen your argument. I think you will be more satisfied with your essay if you spend time making sure each sentence is saying exactly what you want it to say.
Best wishes for all your future writing projects.
Draft 3
In the first paragraph I would suggest making the second sentence the first sentence of the paragraph. The second sentence sets the topic and the tone of the essay well.
In the next three paragraphs the topic sentences all begin “With Lego” and that is a good repetitive device but not very effective as the first sentence. I wonder if subheadings or bullet points might not be a better way to use the device.
Sentences that keep to the subject-predicate style are easier to understand. Here is a suggestion“People still logically believe that LEGO is a gender-neutral company, but LEGO is a negative influence on young children all around the world. Parents logically believe LEGO toys are gender neutral because . . . “
You have a good essay that only needs some tuning up. For example noun and verb number matching “children deserve” (not deserves). Simple sentences are more convincing to me in an argumentative essay and the flow is often improved.
Dear Person 3,
I agree that your essay is interesting to a wide audience because so many people are interested in the equality movement. Parents or parents-to-be seem to be the audience that would be the most interested on the subject. I think that means many from Senior high school and higher will be interested because of the classes they take about raising a family.
The audience needs to understand everything so acronyms like STEM need to be spelled out (I’m not sure what the letters mean).
I like the way that the essay starts out drawing the reader into the topic by discussing the toy companies and then flows to how marketing is designed differently for girls and boys. And by the end of the essay the essay becomes more personal by reminding the reader about the toys that they had in their families while growing up.
I recommend make sure every paragraph has a topic sentence to begin, make sure every important idea has a paragraph and keep the argument well organized.
Best wishes on all your writing.
