Reaction Paper Based on Reading Confusing Love with Obsession by Moore
Confusing Love with Obsession Character Assessment
According to table 8.7, there are six styles of loving. Examining the meaning of each type, it is evident that the predominant form of love in the characters in the book Confusing Love With Obsession is mania type of loving. Mania type of love is defined as possessive, demanding and excitable (Miller, 2014). There are various traits that characterize people that would confuse love with obsession thus fitting the characters to Mania type of love. The first trait that is observed in those that confuse love with obsession is the fact that they might have been emotionally abandoned, verbally or physically abused or a combination of the three factors. Take an example of Nancy in the first chapter. According to this chapter, Nancy was raised by alcoholic parents who worked during the day and drunk heavily during the night. Nancy’s parent would argue quite often and the arguments would in most cases results into fights. At times, the father would disappear on them for some days which led to Nancy feeling abandoned, lonely and confused (Moore, 2006). The history increases the need for Nancy to feel loved thus explaining why she is so obsessive. As such, I agree that Nancy, like many other characters in the book, is scared of being alone since she is trying to fight the reoccurrence of her childhood memories.
Also, these characters exhibit fears of being abandoned. Taking Chris for example, He (Chris) admits that being with Brenda is like a drug addiction. Later in the chapter, Brenda makes it clear that she is not willing to be with Chris but Chris continues with his stalking (Moore, 2006). Similar to other characters in the book, it is evident that Chris is scared of being alone since if he had the confidence and the courage of being alone, he would have respected Brenda wishes and walked away from the relationship since the relationship had already failed.
Third, when an obsessive person does not receive the attention that they would want from the partner, they become depressed. The reason is because the obsessive partner feels a feeling of rejection which drains the energy of that individual hence leading to inability to work. Chris and Nancy are good representatives of this trait. Moore further explores other traits that are common in people that tend to confuse love with obsession. Some include manipulation to deter a partner from leaving, endurance abusive action and mistreatment with the hope that the love that one has for the partner will change their action and when they lose control over a partner, the affected partner will tend to transfer control to other people (Moore, 2006).
In a healthy relationship, people are bound together because they want to be together. Dr. Moore advances this view which is in accordance with my personal understanding of a healthy relationship. As such, it is a matter of free will by two consenting adults. As such, it means that such a relationship will be characterized by various factors. First, the parties in a relationship will be free to create healthy boundaries in that each partner stays committed to the relationship but does not lose the sense of self in the quest of sustaining the relationship. Through the creation of these health boundaries, each party has the space to grow as a person thus securing the relationship since one will learn to respect other person likes and needs. Second, heath relationship does not allow dominion. In this case, it is perfectly normal for the best couple to have an argument. Nonetheless, the couple always finds a way of making necessary compromises and solves problems in a rational manner. Third, a health relationship is founded on a common purpose. Therefore, the partners in this relationship have defined what they want from the relationship and are in the process of pursuing this common goal. The implication is that the two parties are synchronized in their pursuit of this common goal thus eliminating any instances where one party imposes his or her wishes on the other that sabotage the pursuit of the common goal. Also, parties in a health relationship should have a serving heart. A serving heart is the ability to facilitate other people to gain what they want in life as one seeks what he or she want in life. In this way, the parties will have initiated a two way support process thus supporting each other to reach the levels they want in life where one of the levels is a health and meaningful commitment. From these four factors, it is clear that most of the characters that are in the book are in unhealthy relationships. Therefore, this justifies the definition of Mania type of love which is defined as possessive, demanding and excitable which is unhealthy.
Identifying with a Character
Of all the characters from the book, Brenda is the character that I identified with her situation. A couple of years ago, my elder sister brought home a male friend to our home. My sister has never shied away from bringing her friend’s home both male and female. From his consequent behavior, this particular friend misinterpreted the visit and the introduction to the family. In a few days, the friend started showing up at our home at odd hours. His visits became so frequent to a point they were annoying to the rest of the family. At some instances, my sister would tell me to lie to the friend that she is not home. Since my sister and the friend school in different schools, he changed tactics and started waiting for my sister as she came home from school. The stalker behavior continued until the male friend dragged my sister’s friends into the matter by requesting them to talk to my sister claiming she was acting odd and all he did was just to love her. He further claimed that he was willing to do anything for them to be together and that he could not understand why she would introduce her to virtually everyone in her life yet end up pushing him away. To some extent, he must have misunderstood my sister’s friendly nature to a signal that she wanted to be with him. As such, I would easily identify with Brenda’s position of having a stalker in her life.
Application of obsessive love wheel Concept
According to Moore, such obsessive behavior can be understood in obsessive love wheel. According to this wheel, the behavior starts with attraction, develops to anxiousness which leads to obsession then destruction. The wheel is a good approach to understanding the obsession since it details the obsessive behavior in a procedural manner thus making it easy for one to understand the stage of the obsession. As such, I agree that love addiction is a process that can be identified and stopped. At every stage, there are predominant characters that characterize that stage. Therefore, once an individual gets in a relationship with another, one can monitor the behavior of another and if the partner has the signs that will lead to obsession, the other partner is better off walking away. Nonetheless, the partner will need to be aware of the obsessive behavior that the obsessive party will apply to stop them from leaving. Consequently, in order to be safe, one would need to share such information with one or two trusted friends for safety reasons since an obsessive partner may not have a limit in terms of what they can do in order to have the partner that they want. Also, the leaving partner will need to brace themselves for awkward and at times, embarrassing incidences as the obsessive partner tries to get back with them.
Vital Lessons from Confusing Love with Obsession
On the other hand, from an outward perceptive, one will need to learn and understand the behavior of the people they are interested. From table 8.7, there is a loving type that is primarily based on the other person looks. As such, although looks may be so appealing, one needs to understand the other person behavior and scan for traces of obsessive traits as detailed in Moore’s book. I concur with this understanding since it creates a desirable situation where one will need to take time before entering into a commitment with another since one will only have a fair understanding of another after they have spent sufficient time together. The approach, therefore, seems to be leaning to stodge form of loving. The form of loving is based on friendship that gradually grows into a commitment. Although this route is quite slow, it is a relatively safe approach to a relationship compared to Eros, Mania, and Ludus. Also, since understanding another person behavior will involve logical decisions, it means that the approach to thoroughly understand another person will also lean towards pragma form of love (Miller, 2014). Therefore, loving somebody is not entirely a matter of the heart. One will need to think through before getting into any commitment for one to increase chances of having a healthy relationship. The reading affirm my personal view on mate selecting since mate selecting can be viewed as a calculated risk that is guided by personal interest and heart desires but embraces rationalism.
References
Miller, R. S. (2014). Intimate relationships. McGraw-Hill Education.
Moore, J. D. (2006). Confusing love with obsession: When being in love means being in control. Center City, MN: Hazelden.
