Introduction
Family is one of the first and hence the most important institutions of the individual’s development. Parents teach their children in the way they should create their own family when they grow up. This is an unstoppable process, as family has existed from the beginning of times. It just develops and transforms in accordance to the needs and desires of the society. From the first look, this is a unit of love with mutual patience and support. However, this is a unit of a huge responsibility in front of your partner and child. With this responsibility people usually, or it is better to say always, face different problems inside their units. The reasons for these problems are quite obvious: people are different by their nature and they always have their own view on this or that life situation. So, it would be appropriate to say that problems and/or misunderstandings are usual parts of our lives. The only thing that matters is the way people cope with these issues.
Marriage and family have become the field of studying for a number of psychologist starting from the end of 19th century. Initially, they conducted a research of family in order to prevent the most common mental diseases or disorders. Years after, it turned into a separate and independent branch of psychology. Alfred W. Adler, an Austrian psychotherapist established the school of individual psychology and then made a projection of it onto the family therapy. He was the first who raised the problems in family and proposed the ways to overcome them (Carlson and Maniacci, 2012). Since that time, the family psychology has developed significantly and nowadays scientists identify six main problems: money, children, daily stress, poor communication, busy schedules and bad habits. These are the minor problems and they could be overcome with the appropriate approach. Without this approach poor communication, for instance, can lead to the lack of commitment and this is one of the most common reason of divorces in the United States (Burns and Fields, 2014).
Commitment is a very important thing in a modern marriages and/or families. Both men and women expect a specific dedication into their relationship. People should understand that being married, or at least having a boy-, girlfriend, is a responsibility. Yet, commitment usually makes this responsibility much easier rather it seems to be. It provides the couple with the feeling of security and safety (Burns and Fields, 2014). Being committed to each other, families become confident and they manage to cope with routine challenges or any other life stressors easily. The most important thing about commitment is that this is a choice; hence, a person can redeem the marriage almost at any stage. Lack or absence of commitment can lead to horrible results, even to the marriage failure (Webb, 2011).
Causes and theoretical analysis of the problem
In order to understand what the reasons are for the person being not committed in his or her relationship (couple, marriage or family), it would be necessary to understand how the commitment actually looks like. Psychologists recognize ten major ways of being committed.
First of all, a couple should establish so called commitment statement: a kind of goal they should strive to reach under any circumstances. It can also include responsibilities they have to obey along with the specific boundaries (e.g. not to communicate with his/her ex) (Hawkins and Fackrell, 2009). Afterwards, it is recommended to greet each other physically every day. Of course, kissing and hugging your lover is a very pleasant ritual, however, it cares a specific character. Such gestures identify your spouse as actually yours and a part of your life as well as reinforces the commitment (Ashiara, 2014).
Couples usually plan their bright future and this is another way to strengthen commitment. Talking about your dreams and hopes, stresses and fears makes the spouse trust you and stay in touch. Also, these talks help families to spend both quality and quantity time together (Webb, 2011). Inviting your spouse to a date with no reason (meaning except those times when it is marriage anniversary, spouse’s birthday, St. Valentine’s Day etc.) can easily increase the dedication into the relationship and reinforce the commitment. It also identifies spouses as best friends hanging out together. At last, but not the least, couples should value small courtesies such as bringing home a little, but meaningful present, sending lovely messages and so on. It will make your spouse feel acknowledged and understand that he or she is needed (Burns and Fields, 2014).
All in all, commitment is what brings and keeps couples (and then families) together. It is a cornerstone of any relationship and lack or absence of it could lead to very unpleasant consequences.
So what might be the reason for the person being not committed?
Psychologists believe that there is no exact answer for the question above. However, it is possible to state that definitely one of the spouses lost the interest in his or her couple. By losing interest, people usually mean that one of the spouses is not in love anymore. This person may meet another object of delight, or change his beliefs or simply decide to move on. Since commitment is a choice, lack of commitment is a choice as well and usually it cannot be undone (Burns and Fields, 2014).
In addition, losing interest can be caused by very routine problems that families usually face such as lack of communication and its poor level, financial issues, and spouse’s bad habits. These issues might decrease the level of spouse’s interest in the relationship which affects the level of commitment.
Discussion of the problem’s impact on family relationships
As it was discussed above, commitment is one of the cornerstones of any relationship. Yet, lack of it has a huge influence on the family’s welfare. What is more, lack of commitment does not provide the seen result on the couple’s relations; it does not cause controversy between spouses or anything like that. Lack of commitment creates a tension in the air between lovers, but sometimes people could not even notice it. According to the recent researches, most of the divorced couples were low-conflict and very similar to those that did not end up in divorce. Yet, there was an issue in the level of commitment (Hawkins and Fackrell, 2009). Moreover, these couples ended up with a huge regret about their decision.
In this respect, it is possible to identify the seriousness of the commitment impact on the family relationship. If the spouses and other family members are highly committed to each other, they will never break up. On the other hand, when the level of commitment is low or there is no commitment at all, the marriage is usually doomed to failure. Low level of commitment is inherent to egoistic and selfish people and sure thing they sometimes want to have a long-term relationship. But months, or even years, after it appears they cannot commit at the “required” level, so that a couple breaks up.
At last, but not the least, psychologists identify one very important element of commitment. It is a constraint element. And this is the element that keeps marriages and families out from failure. Although, constraint element is usually perceived as a negative aspect of commitment, it actually gives spouses a specific power and this power determines them from being just friends. In this respect, the lack of constraint commitment would cause the lack of power to cope with the day-to-day challenges and this, in 73% of the cases, result in the divorce with the mutual regret about this inglorious end (Hawkins and Fackrell, 2009).
Review of literature
Psychologists have always strived to understand the issue of divorces of low-conflict families and they managed to identify one. This is the lack of commitment. Jim Burns and Doug Fields (2014) make people to make some commitments even before they get married to understand whether they are actually ready for this exciting, but effortful journey. Pius Yao Ashiara (2014) supports this statement and she even tells couple to provide a total commitment. In addition, Joyce Webb, psychologist with 18-year experience and PhD degree in Psychology, researched the question of commitment in the relationship (2011). He found out that being not committed in the family could destroy it.
At last, according to a recent survey throughout the US (2005), the most common reasons for divorce people identify exactly the lack of commitment (73%). Only then goes too much arguing with 56% and so on.
Conclusion
Every family base their relationship on commitment and usually they are aware of that. However, there are also might be an unconscious commitment which even more significant and it sets more powerful groundwork of the relationships. This groundwork then helps these families to overcome all possible life problems and tough times connected with financial issues, unemployment, poor communication, bad habits (e.g. alcohol and/or drug abuse, depression, nervousness etc.). But what has the most powerful and positive effect on the relationship would bring the combination of conscious and unconscious commitment. Definitely, both of the spouses will feel the effect starting from the next day and it will last forever, transferring from one generation to another.
In the recent days, lack of commitment has become a decent problem in the modern families. It is not seen as, for instance, problem of too much arguing, but the impact of it is excessively significant. People might be even not aware of this problem.
Hence, the first step to overcome the issue with commitment is to identify it. Then, the spouses have to start with small steps, such as small courtesies. They need to understand their need in the spouse and to bring the maximum efforts to show this need. It would be appropriate here to have romantic dinners with no reason, to spend more time together, to arrange a short trip. The couple needs to do just the same things they did when they met each other. This could bring the same lovely period of their life. After all, the spouses have to determine commitment statement and bring all their efforts to follow it.
According to the discussion posted above, commitment is a way to overcome all day-to-day challenges and keep the family together through the years. It will also keep each family member happy and give him the power to strengthen the relations. With the total commitment, as Pius Ashiara believes, the family could last forever because the children will bring just the same model into their own families and so on.
References
Ashiara, P. (2014). The Corridor of Life (pp. 20-22). Bloomington, IN: Archway Publishing.
Burns, J., and Fields, D. (2014). Getting ready for marriage (pp. 28-32). Ontario: Published by David C. Cook.
Carlson, J., and Maniacci, M. (2012). Alfred Adler revisited. New York.
Hawkins, A., and Fackrell, T. (2009). Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? (pp. 42-46). Salt Lake City.
National Fartherhood Initiative,. (2005). With This RingA National Survey on Marriage in America. (p. 5)
Webb, J. (2011). Why Commitment Matters. The National Healthy Marriage Resource Center.
