The Rewrite
Ray Kroc sold Multimixer milkshake machines, which had five spindles.He was selling then in 1954, the year during which he heard about a hamburger stand in San Bernardino, California, that used eight Multimixer machines: which meant that the restaurant could make forty milkshakes simultaneously. Kroc was so astounded that he flew from Chicago to Los Angeles, after driving sixty miles from LA to San Bernardino after which he found a small octagonal building on a corner lot when he got there. He sat in his car as he watched workers, who wore starched white shirts and paper hats, showed up for the morning shift as they moved with a purposeful discipline. Lunchtime approached when customers began streaming into the parking lot where they lined up for bags of hamburgers. He approached one customer was sitting in a yellow convertible and had blonde hair.
Comparison with Gladwell’s paragraph
Gladwell uses space more efficiently than I did. The paragraph’s information is properly trimmed, fitting well into one neatly woven paragraph. The sentences are very short and concise, which does not make the paragraph look too long for no reason. My paragraph is quite long and the sentences are quite long, some appearing to be run-on sentences.
It is also notable that Gladwell minimizes the use of subordinating conjunctions, while I have maximized on their use. The avoidance of unnecessary subordinate conjunctions improves the flow of the paragraph while also letting the reader to focus on an idea in the paragraph. I approached the writing with the idea that subordinate sentences should use subordinate conjunctions. From Gladwell’s paragraph, I notice that the subordinate conjunctions should also be included where necessary.
The paragraph by Gladwell also flows better. This is due to the fact that the thoughts are organized properly, with ideas flowing successively. The piece seems woven together and exhibits continuity, which my paragraph does it. My paragraph looks like many sentences describing the same thing, collected in one place but showing little relationship. I also tend to think that knowing what she wanted to communicate, and seeing further helped in the organization of ideas. Reading the sentences in isolations makes it hard to figure out what can be put together to make the story flow as it should.
Gladwell’s essay shows a better composition of complex sentences.
