Peer Reviewer:
Write three critical comments (things the writer can work on to improve the essay) and one positive comment (something the writer does well).
Critical – I have spotted some minor grammatical errors, i.e. times should be time, O6ther should be Other, and f should be of. Also some of your sentences are a bit long. You describe what the story is about several times throughout the paper, this is not necessary if the explanation is provided in full at the beginning. The introduction needs a little work. To set the expectation for the reader, I think your second paragraph should actually be your first with further explanation. That way the reader gains a bit more insight into what to expect in within the body of the essay. Overall my first impressions are good, I’m really enjoying your topic.
Critical – I like your thesis. However, you need to clearly define the definitions when you state them, such as, ‘The American Dream’. This needs further explanation, what is the American dream? Further down you explain the American Dream a little more, however I do not feel that you have properly answered the questions succinctly.
Critical – Some of your statements lack proper citation. In essays we are not allowed to voice our own opinions, and we must provide evidence for everything we say, i.e. “Many Americans associate themselves with members of the society that have a similar level of income.” – There is no reference as to where this opinion has come from.
Positive – I love your conclusion, however your premise does not support it because it lack proper depth and references. Also your conclusion needs to re-state your thesis and all findings, not giving new information. I think that this sentence, “the story of Cinderella is a reflection of how some of the elements of the American Dream has been altered” would make a great thesis statement, and should be included within the body of the piece, along with a properly referenced - in-depth explanation. I hope this helps!
How does the paper use examples to support the thesis? What are some examples?
The paper uses various references such as, “In relation to the story of Cinderella, the little poor girl is secluded from her stepsisters since she does not fit with their class (Shortsleeve 25).” However, I found that at times there was a lack of proper citation, and references when making statements.
What is the thesis statement or argument for the paper?
“The story of Cinderella is a reflection of how some of the elements of the American Dream has been altered.”
What audience is the writer specifically trying to convince? (If they’re using 2nd person instead of defining an audience, offer an audience/group that might fit with their paper/thesis).
I think the author is writing to a general American audience.
How is the paper written for an academic audience that may have different beliefs/views? Give some examples.
I believe that an academic audience may have different views simply because the paper lacks proper references, and some of the paragraphs do not logically flow from one to the other. However, once the paper is properly edited, I believe that an academic audience might very well agree with the conclusion since the general premise of the story of Cinderella does relate to the thesis and is backed up by other academics. i.e. “Other factors such as level of education, network of friends, or other the environment on which one is exposed have also had a direct influence on the attaining of the American Dream by some of the Americans (Anstey 445).”
What are some counterargument examples the writer uses?
The counter argument the author presents is in regards to weather the American dream is an illusion. i.e. “The American dream can be considered an illusion, which is mainly used as a tool in encouraging individuals to work hard. However, the American Dream does not consider some unseen factors such as luck in one being successful in the society.” I did not find a specific counter argument to the thesis within the paper, which would strengthen the piece. Also the thesis is only succinctly stated at the end, and is vague and somewhat missing in the body of the piece.
What portrayal is the writer looking specifically at? Explain how that portrayal affects or is affected by the American dream?
The writer is looking at the portrayal between the rich and the poor in relation to the idealized standard of the American dream. I believe that the author shows the American dream has changed and is changing from the standard definition.
Does the writer include paraphrases and/or direct quotes from their secondary sources? Do they analyze source these sources after using them?
The writer does not include direct quotes, but has included paraphrases. The writer does not analyzes the sources after using them.
Does the writer use in-text (parenthetical) citations correctly to cite the sources they use? Use the Writer’s Resource to check.
The writer uses the correct MLA format for in-text citations.
Does their essay have a works cited page?
The essay lacks a works cited page.
Is the works cited in MLA format? Are the citations correct? (If it’s correct formatting, explain why. If it is incorrect formatting, explain why. Don’t answer only “no” or “I don’t know.”) Use the Writer’s Resource to check this.
The works are not cited, except for in-text citations which are properly formatted, i.e. “It was during the night that a fairy came, dressed her, and took her to the ball (Gottschall 66)” The in-text citations are correct according to the Writer’s Resource, as well as the Perdue Online Writing Lab, https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/747/02/.
Is their MLA format correct (such as heading, page numbers, double spacing, etc.)? Use your Writer’s Resource to check this. (If it is not correct, explain why it is not correct, don’t answer only “no” or “I don’t know”).
The writer uses a Times New Roman 12pt font, with double spacing and indentations before each paragraph. According to MLA format this is correct.
