Liberty University
Abstract
Intimacy issues in marriages have been in the forefront of many psycho-social-spiritual circles recently. In addition, intimacy issues and barriers have just started to be analyzed psychologically, sociologically, physically, and spiritually in the psychoanalytic literature. Qualitative and longitudinal studies are giving way to new theories and thoughts on why the 21st century marriage has so many barriers to intimacy and how these barriers become ingrained in an individual’s psyche. These studies show that from birth to death, the human capacity to remember definitive moments that will forever change the outcome of an individual’s life, whether consciously or subconsciously, mold an individual’s wired intimacy capabilities. The toxins poured out by others, Satan, and the world has an enormous and extensive effect on the intimacy capabilities, giving and receiving, on today’s human race. This paper explores the barriers of intimacy in marriage, how the next generation could be affected if the biblical account of The Fall in Genesis 3 is accurate with today’s scientific and psychological findings, and what we, the creation, can do to try and fix this.
Introduction
We have always thought that marriages are the beginning of a happy chapter in our lives, but this is not the case for most couples. Mainstream media, in particular movies, have made marriages look like they are meant to make our lives miserable. They show people who marry with optimism, and eventually they become frustrated and jaded because they cannot handle marriage pressures. Today’s divorce rates are alarming. People are just divorcing instead of settling their marital problems. Most of the marital problems are caused by lack of intimacy in marriage. Lack of intimacy in marriage has been catalyzed by today’s view of marriage. The justice system, entertainment industry and popular cultures have adopted a different attitude towards marriage. Marriage is not taken seriously anymore, and people do not feel like they have to be bound, in a marriage, to enjoy sex.
Marriage is an institution ordained by God, have our beliefs have tainted God’s purpose for marriage. God uses marriage as an institution to protect and provide us. Through marriage, we build a family that makes our lives more fulfilling. If we adopt a Godly view of marriage, the problem of lack of intimacy in marriage will be avoided as we learn that it is our duty to show love to our partners.
Reasons for no intimacy in marriage
In the current society, intimacy is misunderstood. People have confused intimacy for sex, which is not true. Intimacy may involve sex, but it is more than that. Intimacy entails the entire way of being, acting and thinking about your partner in marriage. Intimacy builds commitment and trust in the marriage. There are people who have been married for many years, and lack intimacy in their marriage. This is probably because of their views about marriage (Gross, 2005).
Some of the barriers of intimacy in marriage include; fear of being vulnerable, marital responsibilities, lack of understanding on what marriage is among others. People in a marriage fear appearing vulnerable to the other especially men. Intimacy means that the couple becomes attached to one another because they share everything. This may involve things that are embarrassing. Men would easily run away from that because they do not want to appear vulnerable to their wives. Men want to be looked upon as strong, macho people who are not vulnerable. People who do not want to be vulnerable fear that they will be dominated or they will lose themselves, so they would rather avoid intimacy.
The way we are brought up affects how we perceive intimacy. Fear of intimacy is a phobia that causes difficulty in forming relationships. If we do not develop healthy relationships while we are growing up, we can set the pace for unhealthy relationships for the rest of our lives. If we do not handle grief or traumatic events well while we are growing up, we learn to avoid relationships so as to avoid being hurt again (Hartman & Zimberoff, 2012). Avoiding intimacy is used as a coping mechanism by people who experienced abandonment or disorganized attachment while they were growing up (Alperin, 2001)
Another reason for fear of intimacy in marriage is the emotional baggage couples carry. In our lives, we have all experienced rejection and pain; hence we learn to rely on fantasy gratification to cope with the heartache. People in a marriage have all undergone different experiences that make them fear being hurt again, so they would rather rely on other avenues for satisfaction instead of developing personal interactions and positive acknowledgement. Existential issues affect how we give and accept love in marriage.
Fear of intimacy is an unconscious process. People with a negative self-image tend to have more fear of intimacy than people who have a positive self-image. According to Tanja Repic, people who saw their parents’ divorce when they were growing up or were abused fear being intimate with their partners. Such people have a tainted self-image, and they do not know how to react to positive acknowledgment. Distancing them from their partners helps them to maintain their self image, and their psychological equilibrium. The attachment theory states that the earliest relationships formed by children and their parents will dictate how they will perceive relationships throughout their lives. Therefore, if a person was brought up in a family where his parents constantly fought, he will avoid getting close with his partner to avoid conflict. (Repic, 2007)
For couples, which do not, have deep-rooted psychological issues behind their lack of intimacy, some of them cite their busy schedules as the cause of lack of intimacy. In today’s world, women are caught up with climbing the corporate ladder such that the family takes a back seat. When both husband and wife have busy schedule, and lack of good communication they will end up being strangers in their marriage. Couples who do not find time to enjoy themselves end up being disconnected; eventually they will not know where to start rebuilding their marriage, hence the fear of intimacy.
Power dynamics is another psychological explanation for the lack of intimacy in marriage. Being intimate means being vulnerable and sharing everything with our partners, however, it comes with a risk as the other person might share. Through sharing, we let our guard down since we share some dark aspects of our lives that would rather be kept in the closet. If the other person is not sharing, then we will feel like we are powerless.
Effects of lack of intimacy
Fear of intimacy in marriage has adverse effects. Marriage is meant to be a fulfilling union, however, when couples are struggling with fear of intimacy they will not enjoy their marriage. The person who has the fear of intimacy will push away his partner; he will frustrate her efforts to get close with him and would rather receive intimacy from others. Divorcees can attest to the fact that fear of intimacy drives couples apart. For instance, if a man fears intimacy because he does not want to appear vulnerable, he might end looking for intimacy elsewhere maybe in strip clubs or by cheating. Lack of intimacy sabotages marriages. In a marriage that lacks intimacy, there is frustration, anger and tension as the couple is not fulfilling their roles. Lack of intimacy reduces the chance of a lifelong relationship; this might explain the alarming divorce rates (Gross, 2005).
Fear of intimacy in marriage will affect children negatively as they grow up and develop their own relationships. From the attachment theory, the relationship between parents and children will affect their future relationships. If a child is brought up in an environment where there are no intimacy and love that the child will grow up thinking that marriage is mainly meant for procreation purposes only, and will not invest in intimacy. Fear of intimacy in parents will trickle down other generations, hence crippling the whole family and the family will continually be subjected to the negative effects of lack of intimacy. Most children have not acquired inner freedom; hence they recycle what they see as they are growing up.
Human beings need intimacy, even when they are not in marriage. Lack of intimacy in marriage is very frustrating as marriage is the right place for both physical and emotional intimacy. Parents, who do not show each other love, are not good role models to their children, and they might find it hard to show love to their children too. Intimacy makes the marriage more interesting and more positive when compared to marriages that lack intimacy. People who are intimate are living their lives fully as they have nothing holding them back. A couple that lack intimacy cannot survive marriage storms as they will have nothing to hold on to. Marriage is a journey that has its ups and downs, and with intimacy, the couple can easily go through tough times, and they will emerge stronger.
Intimacy makes marriage worthwhile. Marriage is a life time commitment that we make because we are in love with that person. Intimacy is the best way to show love to our partners, hence this will reinforce the fact that she made the right choice by marrying you. Lack of intimacy in marriage is hurtful, and there will be no security in that marriage. One cannot tell if the other partner will always be there is they are not showing it. Marriage is a binding union that puts the couple in charge of each other’s needs. In marriage, we should feel safe, protected and loved. Lack of intimacy takes away security, love, and it brings misery to the marriage.
Lack of intimacy in a marriage taints God’s intentions for marriage. Marriage is meant to help us show God’s oneness. Marriage should be like our relationship with God. Our relationship with God is based on respect, love, humility among other virtues. Marriage should be a reflection of that oneness with God. God intended that the marriage should be a fulfilling relationship since men and women play complementary roles. Companionships, provision and protection, procreation among others are some of God’s intentions for marriage (Genesis, 2: 18). The way our relationship with God does not end is the way a marriage should be. From Genesis 3, we learn that the marriage should be a sexually intimate relationship. After they had eaten the fruit, man and woman discovered that they were naked, and they were not ashamed. This shows that a man should fulfill his wife’s physical and emotional intimacy and vice versa.
Jesus Christ used marriage when describing the church. Marriage is a holy union created with good intentions, and it is our duty to fulfill our responsibilities towards each other in marriage. Children need to learn that marriage is something serious, just like the church, and it should be respected. Lack of intimacy in marriage leads to experiences that make it hard to liken marriage with the church. Lack of intimacy in marriage is a mockery of the holy institution that was created with good intentions. God created woman to be a helper and companion to the man. A woman completes the life of a man, and without intimacy this union will be affected negatively. From the Bible, we learn that the wife is the best gift to man. She is way more important than wealth, and if a man appreciates her well, his rejoice will be endless (Proverbs 5:18)
With the rise of marital problems, one cannot help but wonder if they are related to the fall in Genesis 3. Psychological findings have suggested that the lack of intimacy in marriage could be caused by childhood experiences and negative self image. The fall in Genesis 3 shows how the first man and woman were kicked out of the Garden of Eden because Eve listened to the serpent (Kruger & Graham, 2003).
The attachment theory is used to explain the lack of intimacy in marriage, such that our early experiences can determine our future. Adam trusted Eve, but she went against God’s will and did what they were banned from doing. From (Genesis 3: 13), we see that God was infuriated by Eve’s actions such that he ended up punishing the whole human race because of their sins. From then the peaceful relationship between man and woman based on mutual respect ended, as they were frustrated by the punishment/ new responsibilities. Men had to toil to provide, whereas the woman was subjected to be under man’s rules. The new responsibilities put a toll in their relationship. A man should always work hard in order to provide for the family, and women were told to be submissive. However, today’s women are hardly submissive. They are independent just like men, and even provide for the family, this changes the power dynamics in a relationship such that it erodes all the intimacy in marriage. Most men cannot handle the idea of being vulnerable and powerless to their women, maybe this is the punishment women face since Eve sinned, and made vulnerable Adam sin (Burger, 2013).
Barriers of intimacy in marriage might have its basis in Genesis 3; however God ordained the institution of marriage to be a blissful union filled with love. If we abide by God’s intentions of marriage, then we will have no intimacy problems in marriage. We need to disregard popular and baseless opinions regarding marriage as they are not true. If a couple fulfils what they are expected of, then lack of intimacy will not be a problem. Barriers of intimacy such power dynamics and childhood experiences can be solved if we take a Christian approach towards marriage. Lack of intimacy has frustrated many marriages and led to divorce. For Christians, divorce is not an option since marriage is a life-long commitment. We should identify barriers of intimacy and use biblical teachings to help us overcome those barriers. If Christian couples attain both physical and emotional intimacy, then maybe the other liberal couples will learn from them.
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