A couple from my neighborhood was selected for this interview and I was familiar with this couple because we were had good neighborhood relationship. The couple interviewed had four years relationship, after that, they broke up with each other. The interview was conducted with a male partner who revealed the whole story about his relationship with his lover. He told that they accidently met on a wrong phone call that he made to her by mistake. After that, they started knowing each other and became good friends at the start. This shows communication process, which is a process through which people can convey their messages through conversation. It is between two persons so when their communication occurred, they experienced some internal and personal conflicts due to which their relation came in a state of tension known as dialectical tension. The pressure of these tensions increased with the passage of time. Here in this Concept of relational dialectics reveals that more the individuals come close to each other the more chances of conflict become possible and certain to provoke, hence creating distance among them (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013).
Not all this ever happened all of the sudden; in fact, it took time; however, with the passage of time, they began to develop feelings for each other and then friendship converted into a love bond. We can see as explained in the theory given by Baxter and Montgomery presented three major relational dialects that apply in this situation. Connectedness and separateness explain that although a strong relationship between two persons develops when they come close to each other and spend a quantity of time alone. Indeed, a relationship does not work until individuals come in an intimate contact with each other (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013). On the other hand, this closeness results in the loss of personal identity. As an individual is desirous of his personal freedom and identity, which vanishes due to closeness because of, which conflict arises among them?
Certainty and uncertainty throw light on the importance of variety, newness, and uniqueness that is necessary to make relationship durable and reliable (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013). The relationship needs change and predictability in order to maintain a balance in their life, but the lack of variety leads them towards homogeneity and make their relation prosaic.
Openness and closeness, although individuals express most of their personal experiences with public as they are naturally desirous of sharing their personal feelings, ideas and events with their partner but they also need some privacy as they do not express all of their emotions and want to keep some part of it as a secret (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013).
However, they lived in different places and boy expressed his wish to meet her, and the girl gave a positive response. Therefore, when they had their first meeting in a restaurant both of them was excited and desperate. After that, they started meeting each other on regular basis once in month boy used to visit his lover's city in order to meet her. They presented gifts and other presents to each other, their love was growing with the passage of time. In fact, they spent several nights together in a hotel. The girl often reminded him of her feelings that she had for him and said that she cannot live without him and want to spend her whole life with him. Hence, because of close intimacy and closeness they started developing conflicts with each other.
Hence, Thomas and Kilmann argument supports that every individual poses his own interest, desires, and needs, which he has to fulfill (Kilmann, n.d.). When living in a relationship two persons can never have similar needs and expectations that are why conflict occurs. Thomas and Kilmann have designed an instrument for measuring the behavior of an individual during conflict situations. They have described such behavior with two dimensions; assertiveness cooperativeness. Former explains as to what extent an individual urges to fulfill his own interest and needs. While later refers as to what extent individual compromises to make other person's expectations be satisfied.
Many scholars in a variety of ways have defined interpersonal communication. Some defined it in a way that communication develops when two individuals come in a close contact with each other hence providing an instant feedback (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013). However, some scholars are of the view that communication is something personal that take place between people sharing their thoughts with one another. While some called it, a goal oriented that communication is based on an objective, aim or goal that is to be achieved by interacting with each other. Communication does not depend upon saying formal sentences to others; instead, it is developed to maintain and sustain further relationship (Baxter, 1988).
According to Baxter and Montgomery, individuals work hard for the maintenance of their relation. In order to keep their relation sustained and balanced, they work on managing their relational conflicts and tensions (Baxter, 1988). However, four of the dialectical approach assumptions have been provided by Baxter and Montgomery for maintaining a relationship (Baxter, 1988). The first assumption is praxis, which reveals that relationship cannot work in a linear and monotonous manner throughout. They are sometimes showing more intimacy and less at other time. The second assumption is of change or motion it suggests that relationships are to be not. In order to sustain a relation, frequent change is necessary to make a bond flexible because monotony makes it stagnant. Third assumption indicates towards opposing needs that are with the partners (Baxter, 1988). Although in an intimate relationship, partners are interdependent on each other for many of their needs but both of them possess some needs are contradictory and opposing to each other so, it is necessary to sort out and manage these contradictions to sustain their relation. Last assumption refers to totality, which asserts upon the notion of interdependence, which is essential for maintaining a bond. Indeed, relationships cannot work out and exist without the presence of interdependency.
In order to make relationship sustainable and maintained, they have suggested four primary strategies that must be for maintaining a relation. These strategies include; selection and integration. The first strategy of selection involves the selection of one thing while conflicting with the needs of independent living and living with a partner. Cyclic strategy refers to the management of needs that are to be fulfilled by both persons. As they, work with one need at a time and leave the other one for the next time (Knapp, 2014). In this way, they keep their relation sustained. Segmentation suggests that partners have certain similarities while at the same time they contradict with each other at certain issues hence this strategy enables them to select the closeness pole while following the closeness pole as well (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013). Last strategy of integration indicates predictability and spontaneity. It refers that couples who are aware of the relationship tensions they work on this strategy to sustain their relationship. Therefore, they follow novelty and predictability to avoid any tension and boredom.
Knapp has presented ten-step model regarding relational development. The model has been broken into two phases (Knapp, 2014). According to Knapp initiation, is the first step of relational development when individuals met at first sight or for the first time with each other. Here the physical appearance matters a lot in making a very first impression. The second stage is about experimentation where individuals start to get involved with each other, knowing one another perceptions, feelings and ideas. This is to be done to judge each other's attitude and personality (Knapp, 2014). Experimentation is and leads to an intensifying stage where individuals discuss topics of common interest and share their ideas, commonalities with each other. During this stage, partners are seemed to be involved in increasing contact with each other either through calls, face-to-face meetings or texts. They work for achieving the favor of another person as by presenting gifts, organizing dates, saying statements that express love and affection, suggesting names for one another. This stage involves secret tests that are made by individuals to check their relationship status. These tests include endurance, public presentation, separation, third party questioning and triangle tests. When a couple becomes assured of mutual understanding and affection among them, they transform to an integration stage of relational development (Kilmann, n.d.).
We can see that the boy was always curious to know about his lover each activity that where and when she went to a job or why she visited outside, etc. At the start, girl considered those things as his caring attitude for her. However, after some time, she was irritated with the entire situation and considered her lover as a dominant person and she did not want to be dominated and ruled by him. Although they both tried to balance, their relation, it did not work because none of them was ready to leave his/her space.
As a result, their relationship ended forever. Although boy made his lover, few calls after break up her did not reply him for a single time because she wanted her freedom. Therefore, this study revealed that too much closeness emerges a series of conflicts between couples. Another factor that can be with it is an aspect of dominance. As when one of an individual tries to dominate and patronize the other person, relationship tensions occur among them. Therefore, it is necessary to provide each other some extra space and freedom in order to keep relationship sustain. The final stage is of bonding where both people agreed upon disclosing their relation in front of public, which may be in the form of marriage or any other public contract that is made to make their relation exclusive. Besides coming closer, there are other stages where couples have to go through coming apart. There are also five stages of coming apart including differentiating which leads a relationship to become disintegrate as individuals start to work upon their differences (Guerrero, Andersen & Afifi, 2013). Here individuals tend to focus upon their personal attitudes and forego togetherness. This leads to destroying a relationship. The second stage is of circumscribing where individuals follow their own space or interest. Third is the stagnation where the relationship becomes static or stagnant due to any third person and party. Then comes avoidance stage where individuals are separated from each other they try to avoid each other's needs and begins to work for their personal interest.
References
Barki, H., & Hartwick, J. (2001). Interpersonal Conflict and Its Management in Information System Development. MIS Quarterly, 25, 195. http://doi.org/10.2307/3250929
Baxter, L.A. (1988). A dialectical perspective on communication strategies in Relationship development. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of Personal Relationships, pp. 257-273.
Guerrero, L. K., Andersen, P. A., & Afifi, W. A. (2013). Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships (p. 509). SAGE Publications. Retrieved from http://books.google.com.pk/books/about/Close_Encounters.html?id=sufxrS5UFW0C&pgis=1
Kilmann, K. W. T. and R. H. (n.d.). An Overview of the TKI | Kilmann Diagnostics. Retrieved April 17, 2015, from http://www.kilmanndiagnostics.com/overview-thomas-kilmann-conflict-mode-instrument-tki
Knapp. (2014).Knapp’s relationship model: Communication theory. http://communicationtheory.org
