Dear Jim and Jelka
Hello there. I hope this finds you well and radiant with life. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on opening the new chapter of your lives. I know that it is a time of great joy and a sense of fulfillment. I am also sure that you would like matters to remain as they are now. However, it is my responsibility to inform you that life is not a bed of roses. As you both understand, life has changed from now on. Each one of you is now a part of the other and owes the other an explanation on any decisions made or matters encountered. Also, I would like to remind you that there will be challenges along the way. As such, you have to be well prepared to face them as one. If these have to be, you have to keep the spark of your love flaming. This is a hard task to achieve especially after you have gotten really used to each other. However, this can be the easiest thing to do only if you streamline your interpersonal communication skills. It is for this reason that I write to you so that I can let you in on some secrets on maintaining a healthy interpersonal communication and relationship.
First of all, I would like to inform you on the main principles of interpersonal communication. Many people assume that communication is just an act of talking to each other and having their ideas heard. However, you are supposed to understand that the time spent in interpersonal communication is a time well invested as it can help in strengthening the relationship between you two. There are several pillars to effective interpersonal communication. You can find these in the cegos.co.uk. (2012). One of them is determining the map you will use for your communication. In other words, it is important to set apart a few hours or minutes every day or every week, depending on your schedules, during which you spend just talking with each other and solving out the issues that might be there between the two of you. Note here, I have categorically stated that you should spend this time talking with each other; not talking to or at each other. This implies that each one of you expresses his/her ideas while the partner listens, and then the other one follows suit. Through such an arrangement, each one of you will express them and there will be a sense of satisfaction. You will even manage to communicate more openly and freely.
At this point, I have to warn you over the red flags that you need to look out for in your interpersonal communication. First of all, there is the tendency of most couples shutting down their communication after a duration of being together. They either get bored or lose interest in communicating with each other. Of course, this is not only a relationship communication killer but also a killer of many marriages. If you do not want to go down this road, you have to find ways of keeping your communication interesting and productive. For instance, you can change the venue such as by going out or having a dinner out while you spend some time talking to each other. Though this can be an effective strategy, you also have to understand that there is no relationship that is run similar to another. As such, it is upon you two to look at your schedules and interests and coming up with a strategy that can work for you in keeping your communication on the right track. Bottom line is, let your partner be the person you enjoy talking with most.
One thing that you have to understand and master has to do with active listening. Remember I mentioned that you should always talk with each other. Here, the word ‘with’ has immense significance. You both understand that as humans, we all need attention and being shown that we are understood, appreciated and valued. This comes about very clearly during communication. According to Power to Change (2012), listening makes our loved ones feel “appreciated, worthy, interesting, and respected.” I am certain that this is what you want for each other, right? Well, then you have to master the active listening skills. It does not entail much but it pays. There are some few techniques that you need to master. The first one involves the positioning and posture you assume when talking with each other. Maintaining eye contact and facing your partner makes you look interesting in what is being said to you. Sit straight or lean forward towards your partner. For the eye contact. Make sure there is just enough too much might be misinterpreted for staring or suspicion while too little can be misjudged for lack of interest. You should also make sure that there are minimal external interruptions. The biggest football might be going down on the T.V or your favorite program might be airing. Believe you me; turn off the T.V for the good of your communication. You should also learn to respond appropriately. However, this should not be misinterpreted for putting words into your partner’s mouth. You should let your partner speak until they are through with what they wish to say. However, you should show interest and the fact that you are following the conversation by nodding, asking for clarification where necessary and using other gestures which show you understand such as raising eyebrows, nodding, or murmuring words such as ‘um-hmm’, uh-huh’ and others. You can also provide prompts such as ‘interesting’, ‘really’ and so on. These can be a major boost to the success of your communication sessions. One last thing that I wish to caution you against is the internal distractions. Do not interrupt with your own thoughts which might not be relevant to the conversation try to stay focused on the subject matter and approach the conversation with an open mind. Well, try these and you will prove me right.
More often than not, it is hard for humans to keep their expressions and emotions out of a conversation. More often than not, these come out through the nonverbal communication. Well, it is important for me to clarify what I mean by non-verbal communication. According to Dunn (2009), nonverbal communication is “a silent infiltrator, having broad influence over our social environment.” It helps us in sending messages without using words. Emotions can be inferred through non-verbal communication where they can influence your partner’s perception of your power, vulnerability, and competence. It can also help your partner in telling whether you are interested in the conversation or not, and whether you concentrate on what is being communicated to you. Well, up to this point, I am sure you are well aware of what is expected of you during the communication. Avoid expressions which indicate that you are disgusted, disinterested or bored with what your partner says. Gestures such as shrugging of shoulders, sulking, sneering, staring with cold eyes or facing away from your partner can be very negative signs. In as much as there can be issues you do not agree with in the conversation, the best way is by making your partner understand this. Also note that the body language can be misinterpreted at times. As such, do not assume that your partner understands what you mean with a given gesture. Well, it can be easily misinterpreted even when it was meant for no ill. Rather than have your partner misinterpreting you during your conversations, it would be much better to come out clear and express yourselves.
Far from the gestures, there is also the issue of emotions and expressions. Once again, you will not always agree on what you are talking about. As such, it is likely that you will often find yourselves on opposite poles during a conversation. However, be careful when expressing your feelings, especially the negative feelings towards the opinions of your partner. Cutting off the other one with an expression of dissatisfaction or disagreement can be a conversation killer. As opposed to direct confrontation, it would be better to wait for the other person to finish off on the communication and then air out your ideas. Otherwise, if you fail to observe these simple regulations, you are likely to find yourselves hitting a deadlock in the communication process. Well, now you know better.
In as much as you are in a relationship and are supposed to be one, you have to appreciate the fact that you are two in one. As such, there will always be some disagreements between you two. However, you should never let the disagreement put a scar in your relationship. Rater, you should have the proper mechanisms that can be used in resolving the situations. According to Anon. (2012), conflicts are natural, inevitable and unavoidable. As such, you should expect them in your relationship. The only thing I wish to put to you in relation to the conflicts is that the manner in which you handle the conflicts between the two of you can make the difference in the outcome; it can ruin or strengthen your relationship. My aim is to make sure that you will get out of your conflicts more strengthened. I, therefore, wish to give you some tips on how to go about conflict resolution.
First of all, always avoid direct confrontation in your arguments. For instance, rather than using accusatory words when resolving the conflicts, always seek to use words which show concern. This is mainly because when the accusatory terms are used, your partner is more likely to go to the defensive. Some phrases to avoid are those accusatory terms staring with ‘You’ such as “You always hurt me when” The better phrase to use in such a case would be ‘I feel hurt when” there is definitely a difference between the two. One focuses on accusing your partner while the other focuses on expressing yourself. Believe you me, the one which implies self expression works much better. Try it out and you will never be disappointed.
Another thing that you have to remember when resolving interpersonal conflicts is that you should not hold grudges against each other. After all, you are one; there is no way you can hold a grudge against yourself. You should have the ability to forgive and forget. Here, the choice is yours. If you forgive and forget, there is a possibility that you can go on and make your relationship even better. However, if you do not, well, you are likely to stagnate in your relationship. Lastly, you should also be apologetic. We all make mistakes and we should never feel guilty about making a mistake. However, we should appreciate that our mistakes can negatively affect or hurt others, and we can correct that by apologizing. I wish to rest the matter on conflicts at this point but I have to inform you that in as much as they are inevitable, it is upon you to try and avoid them. Let them arise only when they are not preventable.
The last thing that I wish to share with you on has to do with self disclosure. According to Ablongman (2012), this is the process through which social integration occurs. As social beings, human beings need to have that sense of being understood and appreciated for who they are. In order to achieve this, many of them express themselves to the people they trust. However, many people take this as a risky affair as it can easily ruin a relationship. After all, it is said that we all have the skeleton in the closet.
Well, in relation to this issue, I wish to put it to you, based on my professional qualifications, that it is much netter to be honest with your partner. Keeping an aspect of yourself from your partner prevents him or her from understanding you totally. This can have serious repercussions on your relationship, especially if your partner discovers this from a third party. If such a scenario arises, it might be a bit hard for your partner to trust you again. Rather than get to this point, it would be better to be open. After all, the key to being understood is being known. If you keep an aspect of yourself from your partner, then it would practically be impossible for your partner to fully understand you. On the other hand, you would feel dissatisfied, but it is only because you have kept something to yourself. The thing is, be honest and open; these are the pillars to a strong relationship.
Well, let me say as much. There are definitely a lot of issues that we could talk about but am sure we will have some time to talk these issues out. I am also sure that there are some questions you might have in relation to this letter or other issues related to communication that I have not mentioned. In such a case, feel free to call, write or pay me a visit and I will respond to the best of my knowledge. I also hope that you find this enriching and nourishing for your relationship. Once more, I consider it an honor to have shared it with you. I congratulate you on the step you have taken in life and I hoe you will manage to keep the fire burning for as long as you live. All the best in your future life together!
(Sign)
References
Ablongman. (2012). Self-Disclosure: Social Penetration. Retrieved on 12th Dec. 2012 from
Anonymous. (2012). Managing Interpersonal Conflicts. Retrieved on 12th Dec. 2012 from
Cegos.co.uk. (2012). Interpersonal Excellence. Retrieved on 12th Dec. 2012 from
Dunn, J.L. (2009). Non-Verbal Communication: Information Conveyed Through the Use of Body Language. Retrieved on 12th Dec. 2012 from
Power to Change. (2012). 10 Tips to Effective and Active Listening Skills. Retrieved on 12th Dec. 2012 from
