Every year in our country, women are faced with the loss of a child, during pregnancy, at birth, and shortly following delivery. Even in a country with extraordinary medical technology, there are countless newborn deaths for reasons that doctors cannot explain nor predict. These women are often overwhelmed with emotion, grief, and loss in the days, months, and years following the death of their child. “Making Memories: Trauma, Choice, and Consumer Culture in the Case of Pregnancy Loss," by Linda L. Layne, is a thought provoking article which uses first-hand accounts of the loss of a child and the preservation of the child’s memory to evoke empathy from the reader.
Layne begins her article by discussing women’s difficulty dealing with the memory of their lost child. She does so by using the first hand experiences of women who have lost a child and are willing to share their story. She explains how many women feel pressured by those around them to move on quickly and forget the death of their child. Many of these women struggle, not to forget the death of the child, but to remember it. These mothers do not see the death of their child as something that they need to put behind them and move on from, but rather they see the child who could have been, and the precious hopes and dreams that they held for this child. Many of these women actually fear that they will forget their child, and they desperately try to hold onto as much of the memory as they can. In one women’s story, she tells how “after the first week of her daughter’s still birth, she felt like she ‘had to record every detail of her life and death for fear that I might ever forget her’” (124). Through the first hand testimony of women clinging to the memory of their child, Layne does a great job of allowing the reader to empathize with these women and understand the emotion that they are expressing.
Layne describes, not only the emotion of the women who have experienced a loss, but also the attitude of the people around them, and how this greatly affects the grieving process. Some women described having a wonderful support system of people who supported the woman in her efforts to grieve and remember her child. Yet, many other women describe how the people around them were constantly pressuring them to forget about the child and move forward. Layne does a nice job of showing how those who have not experienced the loss of a child do not understand how difficult the grieving process can be. She uses first hand description from women who were bombarded with phrases like “at least you didn’t have a chance to get to know him” (124) to show how women often felt like no one around them allowed them to grieve their child, and respected the life and death of their child as a valid reason to grieve. One particularly effective quote that Layne uses to evoke empathy in the reader is describing how one woman felt so alone when those around her felt that she “shouldn’t be crying” about her son anymore, and that it has “surely been enough time to get over it”(125). Layne uses these quotes to effectively allow the reader to feel the sense of loss and loneliness of those who have lost a child.
Layne uses first hand description to point out that another struggle in trying to remember the child is the lack of time to create memories to do so. Having a child whose life was so short, makes it difficult to find enough memories for many of these women to hang on to. Layne explains how “for early losses, there may be sonogram photos, the home pregnancy test dipstick, or nothing at all” to remember them by (126). Having no physical artifacts of the child’s life can make it very hard to preserve the memory. Layne then does further to suggest numerous options that women have used to preserve the memory of their child in a physical form. She describes photo albums, safety deposit boxes to protect precious pictures, bronzed shoes, memory boxes, jewelry, and figurines as ways to physically represent the memory of the lost child in the hopes that it will be remembered and cherished. Layne emphasizes some women’s need to have a physical keepsake of the child’s life and death as a way to preserve the memory of the child and keep it alive. She describes how this can be therapeutic for some mothers and a healthy outlet for their grief. Some of these families chose to keep the memento private and cherish it quietly within their home, yet others publically and prominently chose to show the child’s memory.
In the next section of the article, Layne shifts to describing the importance of memory-making, and the consumerization of this idea that has been brought about in recent times. She describes how the idea of ‘making a memory’ has been marketed by companies such as Disney, encouraging people to come visit them and spend time doing things which will in turn create a lasting impression in their mind, therefore having made a memory. Despite this idea being used by companies to generate revenue, Layne points out how it is an important topic in the life of those who have lost a child. Many of the support groups that Layne worked with advocate the idea of creating memories of the lost child in as many mediums as possible, including material and emotional. This idea of making memories is a way “of documenting the baby’s life” and encourages the parents to keep the memory alive (130). Warning against over-consumerism, Layne does a nice job in praising those support groups who emphasize the value of the memory, rather than the quantity. She implies cherishing the simple and important memories that you have, rather than trying to make more and more memories out of less substantial ideas. This provokes thought in the reader to realize the importance of memories for those who have lost a child, and the lengths that families will go to in order to hold onto those memories. Understanding the importance of memories allows the reader to empathize with families who have lost a child.
Layne shows how not only material possessions, but also natural symbols, can serve as a peaceful memorial of their child, and serve as a connection between heaven and earth. Rainbows, stars, and most prominently flowers serve as a constant memory of those who have passed. Layne shows the readers that this is a very important connection between the living and the dead, and can help parents believe that their child’s life, although short, was “designed for this very special, universal role” (131). This is a very important point for Layne to mention, because it connects the lives of all those involved in the death of a child to the bigger picture of universal meaning. Even those who have not experienced the death of a child, but rather have experienced the death of anyone close to them, can relate to this topic. Many people can relate to the idea of putting flowers on the grave of a loved one, planting a special garden in their memory, or looking up at the stars and thinking about that person. This connection between heaven and earth, or life and the afterlife is something that everyone struggles with at some point in their life. By Layne making this important connection between the loss of a child and the loss of another a loved one, asserts the readers’ attention and allows them to feel empathy towards others in their loss or grief, including mothers who have lost a child.
Layne also uses the word “love” to describe how grief stricken parents feel towards the child they have lost, and how they are able to measure the love that they feel. She shows how this gives bereaved parents a sense of forever, because although time on earth may end, the love that they feel will stand the test of time and go on forever. Layne shows this distinction between love and time by using the firsthand account of a woman who lost her child saying “if motherhood is measured in minutes and hours, then maybe I don’t qualify, but if motherhood is measured in terms of love, then I’m a mother too” (132). This emphasizes that it is not the amount of time of the child’s life that matters in terms of love, but the amount of appreciation and importance found within the child’s short life.
Within her article, Layne also expresses her opinion on replacing the lost child with another child, inadvertently stating how she believes that this practice is not a suitable form of grieving a lost child. She expresses how having a child in order to move on, or ‘get over,’ the loss of a previous child is not a valid method, because one child’s life cannot and will not replace another’s. She does, however, advocate for those parents who decide they are ready to have another child, and continue the grief and remembrance of the one lost before. Layne uses the testimony of mothers who have had a another child after the death of the first one, to show that the new child does not replace what has been lost, rather it adds to the memories of the family that already exist.
The loss of a child is absolutely unimaginable. Even for someone who does not have any children, it is impossible to comprehend the feeling of losing and child. That pregnancy and unborn child held so many possibilities, dreams, and hopes, and those things cannot be replaced, nor ever removed, but rather they can be cherished, loved, and celebrated by those who knew the child, and even those who did not. In her article, “Making Memories: Trauma, Choice, and Consumer Culture in the Case of Pregnancy Loss,” Linda Layne uses thought-provoking testimony from women who have experienced the loss of a child to evoke empathy and understanding in the reader. Layne’s use of first hand descriptions from women who have gone through the traumatic loss of a child, allows the reader to feel connected to these women, and therefore understand the hardships they are enduring.
Linda L. Layne, "Making Memories: Trauma, Choice, and Consumer Culture in the Case of Pregnancy Loss", in Consuming Motherhood (eds. Janelle S. Taylor, Linda L. Layne, & Danielle F. Wozniak), Rutgers University Press (2004), Pages 122-139.
