Perfect Match: A Letter to Teen-Agers on Marriage
I was once a teen-ager – about several years ago and nothing was on top of my agenda except finding the right partner for me; possibly, finding my soul mate or the person who I would grow old with. I was traumatized then with the facts indicating high rates of divorce or married couples separating and leaving their distraught children to live with one parent, or with a care giver. I searched on various literary discourses: books on marriage written by experts on the field; journals and publications that focus on the subject of providing steps, guidelines, principles, techniques of picking the ideal partner and making marriage work. So far, these were among the best tips that I gathered:
Judith S. Wallerstein was a co-author of the book entitled The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts and provided nine “psychological tasks” that were found to be effective for a good marriage, as summarized herewith: (1) “separate emotionally from the family you grew up inso that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings; (2) build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity; (3) establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship; (4) for couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby's entrance into the marriage; (5) confront and master the inevitable crises of life; (6) maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity: (7) use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation; (8) nurture and comfort each other; and (9) keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time” .
In another discourse, one found the ease to remember tips through Claude Guldner Six R’s of Marriage, to wit: Roots, Rhymes, Rules, Roles, Relationships, and Rituals . These tips imply that married couples need to focus on the very roots of their relationship and work through their life together through the assistance of the other R’s. The relevant points to ponder in this discourse is the emphasis on taking note of the simple joys through sharing messages of love; in respecting the rules that each spouse has developed and expect to be abided by both; by a clear definition of roles and responsibilities; by endearing appreciation of the relationship together; and by observing conformity to rituals that have been developed specifically to ensure a strong bond continues to exist between the two.
Finally, Dr. John Gottman presented seven principles for making marital union work through observing the following: (1) enhance your love maps; (2) nurture your fondness and admiration; (3) turn toward each other instead of away; (4) let your partner influence you; (5) solve your solvable problems; (6) overcome gridlock; and (7) create shared meaning .
In the end, the real secret to a successful marriage is being able to discern the simple needs and joys that your partner expects you to know by heart and to unselfishly give and share with joy and unconditional love, despite all odds and amidst the test of time.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Gulder, C. (2012). HHS 4M1 - Dating and Marital Success. Retrieved from http://www.slideshare.net/lweitend/hhs-4m1-dating-and-marital-success
Wallerstein, J. (2012). Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage. American Psychological Association.
