Strategy number 1: While smiling and acting natural, not al all disturbed with the invitation received: “Oh, dear! I had no idea that you find me attractive. I am flattered and I really appreciate your invitation, but I do not feel the same way. Listen, I was just about to go meet up my boyfriend and his mother, so I have to go. Take care, bye!”
Strategy number 2: Indicating very little interest for the invitation, seeming preoccupied with something else: “Aha, so this is what you are interested in. While I do appreciate it, I cannot say that I am in that place right now. Let’s see each other on Monday at the office and discuss about that new outsourcing project. I have to answer this call now.”
Strategy number 3: Indicating concern for the person and for how to refuse without hurting his feelings, looking at him with compassion: “I really like you, you know and I appreciate so much your invitation, but it is not something that I want to do.”
Step two: Saying “No” directly, clearly and unequivocally (Crooks & Baur 225)
Strategy number 1: Standing up straight, looking the person right into his eyes, using a regular tone of voice: “Thanks for asking me, but no, I am really not interested. Say, did you see Ray this morning? I have been looking all over for him.”
Strategy number 2: Seeming surprised, even shocked when hearing the proposal, making big eyes: “What? Absolutely not! I don’t like you like this.”
Strategy number 3: Indicating nervousness, reacting shivery at the unexpected proposal, avoiding eye contact: “I never considered this. I do not know what made you think I was interested, because I am not. So, thanks, but no, thanks!”
Step 3: Offering an alternative (Bading 44; Riches & Dawson 95)
Strategy number 1: Indicating self confidence, showing a friendly smile and touching the person’s shoulder at the end: “Thank you for this proposal, but no, sorry, I am not interested. Although I know someone who I know for sure that would really appreciate such an invitation. Do you know Alice?”
Strategy number 2: Indicating irritation regarding the proposal, taking a distant, defensive attitude, with arms crossed around the body: “Listen, I am sorry if I ever gave you signals to understand that I would be interested, but I want to clarify that I was not sending you these kind of messages. I do not want to do what you proposed and I suggest you find somebody more suitable for your proposal.”
Strategy number 3: Approaching a superior attitude and ironically considering the proposal, sustaining this attitude with body language, rotating eyes, or putting on a quizzically smile: “Really? And you thought that I would be interested? Sure I’m interested, just as an iceberg is interested in floating in the desert. Really, this is a very bad idea and I believe the only person that would be interested in your proposal would be either blind or demented.”
An intimate relationship with a person not well known would most probably imply no feelings, which can make us feel bad about ourselves, losing our self-esteem and shame (Hastings 38). Likewise, it can lead to unpleasant consequences, such as violence or acts of possessiveness from behalf of that person (Wall 1), or we might even find out that that person is involved in other relationships.
After explaining the three step approach to five of my friends, four of them voted in favor of the approach while one was against it. Two of those who were in favor of the three step approach argued that the approach is gradual, implying in the first step a polite response, then a firm refuse in the second step and in the third step it offers an alternative, which is basically what somebody who is interested in having intimate relationships might be interested in. The other two who voted in favor of the three steps approach argued that these are in fact three ways of saying no and although it includes being polite or offering an alternative, the message is sent and strengthened in three various approaches. The person who voted against the three steps approach sustained his position by stating that such an approach might be offensive. Moreover, offering an alternative shows little consideration for the one who made the proposal, as invitations for intimate relationships are indications of attraction, which is a sign of falling in love. Applying the three step approach to say no, implies never considering that the person who proposed the invitation is actually in loved with the person to whom he/she makes the proposal.
Works Cited
Bading, Karen, V. Saying No, a User’s Manual. Columbia, The Virtual Press. 2003. Print.
Crocks, Robert & Bar, Karla. Our Sexuality. Belmont, Wadsworth. 2011. Print.
Gairns, Ruth & Redman, Stuart. True to Life Intermediate teacher’s Book: English for Adult Learners. New York, Cambridge University Press. 1996. Print.
Hastings, Anne Stirling. Treating Sexual Shame. London, Jason Aronson, Inc., 1998. Print.
Riches, Gordon & Dawson, Pam. An Intimate Loneliness; Supporting Bereaved Parents and Siblings. Philadelphia, Open University Press. 2000. Print.
Wall, Liz. “The Many Facets of Shame in Intimate Partner Sexual Violence”. Australian Centre for the study of Sexual Assault.. 2012. Print.
