Parents work hard to educate their children - to teach them lessons and impart their knowledge to their progeny. This is often exemplified in American literature, often through the perspective of the parents. The particular lessons that men and women give to their male or female children never cease to amaze; often, these lessons speak volumes about the temperament and priorities of the gender itself. What's more, generation gaps and changes in priority are usually exemplified in the particular conflicts that these people have. In this essay, several different poems and short stories on the experience of parenting and parental advice are examined in detail, in order to learn how gender plays a role in the parenting process.
Jamaica Kincaid's poem "Girl" and J. Peter Meinke's poem "Advice to my Son" both take the perspective of parents who wish to guide their children through the path of the world. Throughout both texts, the ideals and warnings given to the children (presumably of the same gender as the authors) are both eerily similar and entertainingly different. These poems exemplify the attitudes of male and female parents toward their same-sex progeny; while Meinke's advice is gentle and encourages the son to have fun, Kincaid's advice borders on admonishment of the child herself, having presumed that she has already made many of the same mistakes.
Kincaid's poem "Girl" reads like a laundry list of instructions for how to be a good woman. Some of them are innocuous - "this is how to make a bread pudding / this is how to make doukona," and they mostly have to do with behaving in housewifely or practical duties. They alternate between mundane tasks, which are all mentioned once, with refrains of certain phrases, all of which admonish the girl for bad deeds she either has already done or may do again. Frequently, the mother tells her to do something "like a lady and not like the slut you are so bent on becoming"; the mother, in imparting this advice, has already presumed that the girl will grow up to repeat her own mistakes. The mother already presumes this destiny, because of the way in which she sits and walks, as well as the fact that she sings benna (which are Antiguan folksongs) in Sunday school. There is a repeated motif of her disbelief and incredulity that
With this poem and the mother's advice, there is a great emphasis placed on respectability and hard work around the house. In this way, the mother already has a pessimistic view of how her daughter will end up - she presumes that the daughter really wants to become "a slut," and so will work to do that anyway. This means that the mother's advice is given under the presumption that it will not be heeded. However, the fact that it is given anyway suggests a deeper caring for her little girl than is conveyed in the writing. This mother in the poem is a very traditional mother; she places great regard on domesticity and etiquette, thinking a lady should not necessarily be socially progressive. All she wants is to see her daughter married off to a nice man, and to see her take care of the house and give the mother grandchildren.
This poem is an indicator of one traditional female perspective toward their daughters - extremely protective, often judgmental, and concerned with their reputation. The mother of 'Girl' simply wants to teach her the ways of being a respectable lady, while fighting against the increasing feminism of the times. Much of her fear of her daughter's impending promiscuity comes from her own illicit experiences in the past; this is implied in her knowledge of elixirs that can induce abortion - "this is how to make a good medicine to throw away a child before it even becomes a child" (Kincaid, 1984).
The concept of traditional mothers fighting against an increasingly liberalized younger generation is true in other works as well - even when grown up, the daughters are often portrayed or thought of as being 'out of touch' with family or what it means to be a woman. In Alice Walker’s “Everyday Use,” an estranged child of a black mother comes back to her childhood home to visit, revealing the cultural and feminist differences present between the characters, given their varying attitudes about what it means to be a woman, and a black woman at that. The differing attitudes between Mama and Dee present the primary argument of the piece; that there is something to be said for maintaining some semblance of heritage, as well as pride in being a caretaker and mother. While Mama is a traditional woman who has stayed at home and took care of her children, Dee runs off to go to college, become a second-wave feminist, and have a live-in boyfriend she does not intend to marry.
Mama is proud of her heritage as a black woman, and takes pride in taking care of her family and being a mother. Despite the fact that she takes a more traditional approach to being a woman (focusing on her housework, taking care of Maggie, etc.), she is still a strong woman who believes in the value of what she does. The presence of a changed Dee dismays her somewhat; she resents the education that Dee received, as it tears her further from her roots, making her more of an alien to her own family. When Dee shows up with Hakim-a-barber, Mama wonders if they are married, holding on to more traditional ideas of marriage before sex.
Dee, on the other hand, is a rebellious, second-wave feminist who believes that her womanhood, like her personhood, needs to be redefined personally by her. The attempt to change her name speaks to a shame regarding her predecessors and previous generations, whom she sees as weak and oppressed. In order to distance herself from that, and thus paint herself as a strong and vital woman, she changes her name to a more traditional African name. Dee is a more liberated woman, taking a lover in Hakim-a-barber without marrying him, to Mama’s dismay. When she leaves, she tells Maggie, “It’s really a new day for us. But from the way you and Mama still live you’d never know it” (p. 282).
In this story, both characters are flawed; just as in Kincaid's work, none of these characters are portrayed as having the correct perspective. In "Girl," the mother both admonishes her child against bad behavior and projects her own insecurities onto her daughter. "Everyday Use" sees the stubborn, resentful Mama against the rebellious Dee, who is now too far removed from her heritage to fully appreciate it. This presents a destructive relationship that is echoed in the widening generational gap; in both Kincaid's and Walker's works, the mothers are incapable of speaking to their children in a way that they can relate to. The daughter in "Girl" is letting the mother's admonishments and hollow advice go in one ear and out the other; meanwhile, Dee and Mama continue to lack a common ground that can allow them to see eye to eye. Mama wants Dee to be a traditional girl and respect her roots, while Dee just sees Mama as an aging holdover from a bygone era of submissive women. The mother-daughter relationship in a lot of fiction, particularly in the 20th century, maintains this enormous gap in understanding that the mother attempts to force her way through.
Mothers and daughters often do not see eye to eye; the fiction studied thus far demonstrates a lack of faith in daughters to live up to the expectations of mothers. Sons, on the other hand, typically have a much more amicable relationship with their mothers, as evidenced in Langston Hughes' poem "Mother to Son." Here, mother simply talks to her son about the hardships she has experienced as an African-American woman. Instead of the detailed list of everyday chores that Kincaid's mother gives the daughter in "Girl," Hughes' mother simply relays to him a message of perseverance. There are no judgment statements about what he should or shouldn't do with his life, no expectations of failure - all she does is tell him, "Don't you fall now" (Hughes, line 18).
Most of the poem itself is about the mother; she tells the son about how "life for me ain't been no crystal stair" (line 2). The hardships that she has encountered in her life are related to a normal set of stairs, with "tacks" and "splinters" and "boards torn up"; all of this is meant to paint a generalized, metaphorical picture of a hard life. However, she merely tells him to persevere, and to not give up. He, like her, must keep on fighting no matter how hard it gets: "Don't you set down on the steps / 'Cause you finds it's kinder hard" (lines 16-17). Unlike the other stories, the mother in this story relates her own vulnerability, even today: "I'se still goin', honey, / I'se still climbin', / And life for me ain't been no crystal stair" (likes 19-21).
Comparing this poem with "Girl," it would seem that mothers have a different relationship with their sons than with their daughters. Without the expectation of the things that they have gone through before, there is less pressure of the son to live exactly up to the mother's expectations. While "Girl"'s mother expects her to fail, Hughes' mother wishes to drive the son to succeed. There is no expectation of success or failure; the mother just tells him to try. It is both a powerful message about perseverance and an interesting contrast to the harsh admonishment the mother in Kincaid's poem has for her daughter.
Finally, the relationship between fathers and sons is both eerily similar and quite distinct from that of mothers and sons. In J. Peter Meinke's "Advice to My Son," the father imparts more direct advice on the son as to their behavior, much like the mother in "Girl." However, this poem does not carry the expectation of failure, rather a call for moderation. He has specific things in mind for the son, but asks him to choose wisely. The father, unlike the mother, can anticipate the recklessness and impetuousness of a young boy, as they experienced it themselves; therefore, the primary call is for patience - "The trick is, to live your days / as if each one may be your last" (lines 1-2). At the same time, this is tempered by a desire to see their child enjoy their life - "but at the same time, plan long range" (line 5).
Each line or phrase of the poem is an exercise in contradictions and extremes; the father calls for the son to be frugal but also frivolous, and practical while remaining fun. "The stomach craves stronger sustaenance / than the honied vine," says the father, wishing to warn the child of engaging in too many indulgences (lines 15-16). Therefore, he asks the son to "plant squash and spinach, turnips and tomatoes" to provide greater quality and maturity to his life (lines 11-12). The final three lines, in fact, demonstrate the primary point of the poem - "always serve bread with your wine. / But son, / always serve wine" (lines 22-24). The father wishes the child to live their life in moderation; never taking things too seriously, but not lose themselves in frivolity. It is a remarkably even-handed message, given the harsher, more critical appraisals of the daughters' futures exemplified in the texts presented so far.
In conclusion, an interesting disparity can be seen between the treatment of parents of both sexes toward sons and a mothers' treatment of daughters. With sons, both parents seem to take a gentler approach; they have done nothing wrong, and there is no expectation that they will. Meinke's father simply asks the son to live well, as he knows what it is like to live well; Hughes' mother just teaches the son to keep trying no matter how hard life gets. There is no assumption of a mistake, unlike Kincaid's mother toward her daughter. All things considered, the sons are given a general overview by their parents that their life will be all right.
The daughters, however, are given way harsher treatment. In both Walker's and Kincaid's works, they are depicted as promiscuous, disrespectful, and endangered creatures who must do what their mothers say (which both indicate an expectation of domesticity and submission). When the daughters rebel against this in lieu of their own rights, the mothers see this as disrespect; when sons are meant to exert themselves, the parents see that as fighting for their right to take what is theirs in life. It is an interesting contrast that has many other mitigating factors behind it; however, the vast difference in tone between the parenting styles for each gender can be easily seen. As can be seen, parents often raise boys differently than girls do. Looking back on my own experiences, I can say with relative certainty that this was the case for me as well. By examining these texts in depth, I have gained a better understanding of why that is.
Works Cited
Hughes, Langston. "Mother to Son." The Collected Poems of Langston Hughes, Vintage Books,
1994. Print.
Kincaid, Jamaica. "Girl." At the Bottom of the River, 1984. Print.
Meinke, Peter. "Advice to my Son." Exploring Literature (4th ed.) Ed. Frank Madden. Pearson
Education, 2008. Print.
Walker, Alice. "Everyday Use." In Love and Trouble, 1973. Print.
