Part One
- I will be talking about the relationship between me and my brother. I am nine years his senior and because of the age gap, we did not grow up being close to each other. He was always alone and would do most things himself, but there are also instances when he would come to me for something.
- Our relationship is working well. Despite the big age difference and his preference to be by himself most of the time, we understand each other well. He respects me, and that includes my things. He does not go through my things without asking my permission, even if he needs something right there and then. As a courtesy, I do the same thing with him and his things. We communicate well with each other, saying things we want to say with respect and warmth because even though we don’t get to hang out with each other that much, we are fond of each other.
- Our conflict started when he started having a girlfriend. In some ways, he started being belligerent and started talking back to me whenever I talk to him about having a girlfriend. I see him losing focus on his studies and is instead spending more time with his girlfriend. At times, he would even lie about coming home late when everyone in our house knows for a fact that he’s been with his girlfriend.
- I think my brother would not agree with me, because he is in that period of his life when boys are starting to experiment and experience new things. I am all for that, I’ve done a lot of things when I was his age. However, I did not neglect my studies and always made sure that I pass my classes. I think that my brother would say that I don’t trust him and that I am being selfish.
- I think my brother would say that I am making a big deal out of something so minor, and that I should trust him.
Part Two
- We are family, and I understand that our relationship as siblings is very important. As such, there should be some changes in our communication skills for our household to be peaceful again. I could try to be a good listener and give him a chance to voice out his thoughts and opinions. He tells me that I talk too much and that most of the time I sound like I’m having a one-way conversation. I could also lower my tone of voice and sound less demanding. My non-verbals, such as the excessive movement of my hands whenever I’m trying to drive a point can also be minimized.
- My brother could improve and be more direct instead of just shouting at me a sentence or two. Whenever I’m telling him something, he would just show an annoyed face and answer me with a sentence or two delivered as a shout. He could also use more eye contact instead of just looking away whenever I’m talking. I would be more convinced of his arguments if they tell me them while looking to my eyes. That way, I’d be able to see his sincerity and measure the validity of his arguments.
Part Three
- I listen best when the other person is not shouting. I always tell my brother to talk to me without raising his voice. Once he shouts at me, I feel like his arguments are not really that strong and that he is just trying to put an end to the conversation. I also listen well when the person establishes eye contact. That is the only way for me to say for certain if the person is sincere about what s/he is saying, because as they say, the eyes are the windows to one’s soul. I stop listening when a person is already shouting. I feel like the truth behind someone’s words is not reinforced by a loud voice.
I listen worst when someone is shouting. I believe that conversations should only be between the people participating in it. When someone shouts, other people hear what we are talking about. As soon as someone starts shouting, I stop listening altogether and just walks away.
My brother listens best when someone is talking to him calmly and the tone is friendly. He doesn’t like someone raising his/her voice on him, because this makes him feel inferior. He would always say that he is neither stupid nor deaf, so there is no reason for someone to shout when talking to him. He also listens well when non-verbals are used often, as when someone is driving home a point and uses his his/her hands or opening the eyes widely. He tells me that he feels like he is frustrating the person because he could not understand what one is saying, and this also frustrated him in return. When this happens, he would either shout or walk away in order to end the conversation.
My brother listens worst when someone starts talking to him with an aggressive tone of voice. He is a quiet person who keeps to himself most of the time especially when everyone else is busy doing things. When someone talks to him with a raised voice, he gets mad right away. He feels that his privacy is being invaded in a very disrespectful manner.
He listens worst when he is disturbed from what he is doing by a loud, shouting voice. He does not appreciate being rushed and requires an explanation before he starts reacting. He also hates it when he is being accused repeatedly even after he already denied not doing something.
Part Four
Me: Hey, it’s kinda late. Where have you been?
My brother: (Without looking at me)Just had a meeting with my groupmates about a group project.
Me: Really? It took you this late to finish talking about it?
My brother: (Still not looking at me)Yeah. We had to plan everything well because it’s an important project.
Me: Is your girlfriend a part of your group?
My brother: Yeah, we’re in the same group. (Glances at me then looks away)
Me: You didn’t have to stay outside so late. Don’t you have other homework to do?
(Looking annoyed and tone of voice is a little higher than before)
My brother: I do, but I also had to attend the meeting because it’s part of a homework. I’m not going to get a good grade for that class if I don’t participate well. (Already frowning)
Me: Did you really have a meeting or did you just hang out with your girlfriend again? You still have early classes tomorrow, you’re not supposed to stay out so late. You did not even inform us that you’ll be coming home late. (Voice is accusatory and tone is increasing in the last sentence)
My brother: I already said I had to attend a group meeting. I’m not lying. It’s your problem if you don’t want to believe me! (Looking at me with a look of annoyance on his face)
Me: (Talking calmly) It’s okay to have a girlfriend, but you must always remember that you are first a student. (Gestures using the left hand) You have to be responsible and try to come home on time for you to have enough time to work on your homework. (Gestures with both hands)
My brother: (Looking frustrated) But I had to attend the meeting, my group was expecting me. I’m sorry for not texting, but I was really in a meeting with my class groupmates. (Voice is raised) If you don’t believe me, fine! That’s not my problem anymore! (Gestures with both his hands then turns his back and walks away. From then on, he won’t be talking to me until after a few days.)
Part Five
My brother’s crazymaker is the avoider. If he doesn’t like the flow of the
conversation, he would just walk away. He would get mad, but instead of arguing he
would avoid it. Throughout the whole time that I’ve been annoying him about his
girlfriend and how I feel that he is not focusing on his studies, he has never argued with
me. He would shout at me his parting words and just turns his back and walk away.
In a way, my crazymaker is also the avoider. After my brother walks away, I
don’t follow him anymore to continue the conversation. Deep inside, I am not really
aiming for an argument. I just want him to be aware of my and the whole family’s
concern about his studies. By repeatedly confronting him about it, I am hoping that he
will not forget to study hard. After the confrontation, I would go on and pretend that
nothing is wrong, which essentially is the truth. I know that he would be ignoring me so I
just act like the confrontation did not happen. This makes my crazymaker pseudo-
accommodator.
Part Six
Possible Solutions:
- I could just talk to him and ask him to break up with his girlfriend because aside from me, the whole family is also worried about him neglecting his studies. However, this is a definite act of selfishness.
- I could continue confronting him every now and then to make sure that he does not forget, but he might snap and turn it into a full-blown argument.
- We could have an honest conversation and hear both sides. I would tell him what our concerns are and let him decide what he would do about it.
- We could sit down and have a conversation and I would tell him that if he won’t break-up with his girlfriend, then he should promise to get a grade that the family will decide on.
Although solution number four sounds like a good solution, it might put too much
pressure on him and make him lose control over his studies. Also, I believe that he should be given a chance to be in a relationship because he can also learn from it. Solution number one is being selfish on my part, not to mention unfair. He has the right to decide what he wants to do with his life, and if he wants to have a girlfriend like all others do, he should be given the right to do so. Besides, having a girldfriend is not entirely bad. Solution number two is something that should be avoided altogether because even though I am really concerned about his studies, I don’t want him to hate me. He is my brother and I don’t want to fight with him. I think the best solution is number three. An honest conversation is very important through it, I will be able to make him understand the reasons behind my actions. By letting him decide on what he would do, he will know that I trust him which, hopefully, will make him responsible and fulfill the words he has given to me. The idea of being trusted is important for people his age, and I want him to feel and know it. This way, he will think twice before doing something as he has us to consider.
