How to help children cope with divorce
Introduction
As most people well know especially those with kids, divorce is the hardest thing that a child ever has to go through. Many children are scarred for life by their parent’s divorce, and ultimately take it out on different people as well as other family members. It can be said that divorce is the driving spike in a marriage, and deals more than its fair share of pain to both the child as well as the parents. The children who the divorce affects usually want to know what exactly happened to mom and dad that made them decide that it was time to split up, some parents usually play off their children’s curiosity by saying it is a grown up matter or it does not involve them. Divorce does not just affect young children between the ages of 7-12, but older children in the age range of 13-18; children in the latter age group are usually hit harder by a divorce because they would look at it like it is just one more thing to completely turn their world upside down. Generally, some children do not have parents who care enough to help them cope with the divorce, some are just forced to gather ideas on how the whole divorce process works. Susan Orlins reports in 2010 that nothing about divorce, especially if there are kids in the middle, is a piece of cake. However, there are ways of helping the child cope with divorce so when it finally does happen or the effects of it are happening before the child’s eyes, they are prepared for the worst and even more, get through it.
Body
Divorce is one of those instances where the parent may find themselves trying to help the child develop a coping mechanism to help deal with the situation at hand, the child could have their own coping mechanism which can lead to self-destruction; preventing that is very important. One of the ways that a parent can help the child cope with divorce is by first telling the child about the concept of divorce, and why it happened then why it happened to them. This is often overlooked, and ignored by the parent because the parent feels that the child might not be able to grasp the gravity of the situation at hand. Sugarcoating and dancing around the issue or questions that the child has might make the child think that the parent does not value the child’s intelligence to tell him/her the truth. Most children look to their parents for guidance about the good, the bad and the ugly. It is not a parent’s place to hide the truth from their child or children because divorce affects everyone, the child is affected the most if and when the parents or parent lies. Selfishly, some parents feel that when they get divorced, it is about them and who gets what; not how they are going to tell their children. A parent or parents who take the time to be honest with their child about the divorce, and telling them about it will definitely win brownie points with the child because there is no greater love than that from your child. Divorce is one word that most children do not want to hear their parents say because the child is smart enough to know that the word alone upsets the balance between mom, dad and the entire family. Some parents find it easier to convince their child to look at it like it is a positive change, and keep up appearances so they do not give their child the wrong idea or scare them into thinking that mom and dad are hiding something from them which is wrong. Overall, it is just easier for the parent to tell the child the truth and make it their life’s work to do damage control whenever as well as wherever it is needed; the child or children need to know that their parents are there for them.
Body II
Another way to help a child cope with divorce is to not turn the child on the other parent, and make them out to be the worst person in the world. Far too many times are there where one or both parents tell the child ugly things about the other parent, this can cause a confliction in the child when they see the other parent. For example, a boy is talking to his father and the boy’s father tells his son about why his mother and he are not together. The boy’s father then tells his son that his mother was a devil worshiper, and will try to turn him. When a parent does this, it can have backfiring effect on that parent. Mostly because what will happen is that the child will see something completely different in the other parent, and make the liar out to be just that, a liar. A parent can help a child cope with divorce by not only not trying to turn the child against the other parent, but help that child see that other parent in a neutral light. Doing this will ensure that the child does not get the wrong idea about that parent, and try to turn their back to that other parent. Cathy Meyer reports in 2014 that there are many things that a parent can do that will ultimately upset the child’s coping mechanism of dealing with a divorce. To put it simply, if the parents fight or call each other names in front of their child or children within an earshot of the child then they’ll scar any real chance of the child or children ably dealing with the divorce in a healthy manner. It is important that the parents reach out to their children, and tell them that the divorce is neither their fault nor that of the parents. It is important that the child knows that they are not at the forefront of the divorce because ten times out of ten, the child will likely be led to believe this if they are not talked to beforehand. It is never a bad thing for parents to coexist with one another in the interest of the child, a broken home can leave shards of destruction in the mental glass within a child’s mind so to speak. Being civil in the interest of the child is definitely a way to make a bad situation not seem so bad, the child will think so too.
Spending time with the child or children is one of the most responsible things about being a parent, and ensuring that the child is taken care of by any means necessary. A parent investing themselves in that child is a great way to help the child cope with the divorce, doing this will make it seem like the parents are not really divorced, but just living in separate places for a time. For example, let’s say that Samantha always makes plans to go to the mall with her dad every single Friday after school just to hang out. Quite suddenly, Samantha then learns that her parents are getting a divorce, Samantha is devastated. However, the aftermath of it is that despite the fact that Samantha’s parents are living in separate cities or areas of dominion, they are both there for Samantha and Samantha’s father still takes her to the mall every single Friday after school. Helping a child cope with divorce is difficult, but assuring that child that everything is going to be okay and the same as it ever was, helps puts the child at ease. It makes the child feel that despite the divorce, they are still the center of attention; which every child wants to be. A parent can even go one step further, and make a day full of activities for them. Doing so will make the child feel like they are very much loved and valued, all a child really needs to know is that they are still being taken care of no matter what happens. Holly St. Lifer states in 2014 that even though you cannot heal your child’s pain quickly, coping with the many headaches of divorce does not have to be a headache. A parent being there for their child during the divorce and post-divorce period is absolute, it is important that the child knows that they cannot be allowed to think that their lives will only get worst from there on. A child’s comfort is everything to a parent and securing that is priority number one. A parent who put aside time for their child or takes a special interest in their child, or their child’s interests will help that child in the best way possible. The last thing any child wants to feel post-divorce is isolated and alone or to be told that they have to take a backseat to more important matters, the point is; don’t.
Interesting enough, some children in post-divorce sometimes feel like they did not have any say in the matter of the divorce or what will happen afterward. Allowing a child or children to talk about their feelings about the divorce is the best way for the child to express themselves about the matter. It is not good for a child or children to bottle up their feelings about the divorce, and their failure to do so could end up hurting other people or them taking their anger out on the parents. Some parents are afraid of what their children will say or think of them for divorcing their spouse, and keep from asking their child about what they think in that respect so they can avoid hurt feelings or straight out anger. Divorce is one of those issues that it cannot be bottled up by the child, it is important that the child knows everything about the divorce as well as what happened because expressing themselves is easy when they have a target such as the divorce. For example, Jeremy’s parents do not talk to Jeremy about anything involving them, they pretty much leave Jeremy in the dark about everything. Jeremy gets curious about why his parents divorced, but neither one of them will talk to him because they feel that he is better off not knowing about such an ugly time in his parent’s lives. Clearly, Jeremy’s parents are just thinking about what is good for them and not Jeremy. For the longest time, Jeremy has had feelings that he cannot get rid of such as he might be the reason that his parents divorced which is not true. This is not something that any parent should do because in the long run it is their children who suffer, helping a child cope with divorce is very important and they can by talking about their feelings to both parents. Another thing that a child can do is to get with the parent one on one, and tell them how they feel so they can be free from any anger displacement or negativity that they might be holding onto. Oddly enough, it is when a child does not talk about it that a parent should worry because they might be doing something that they have no business such as getting involved in gang activity or other violent acts which no parent wants for their child.
Works Cited Page
St. Lifer, Holly . "11 Rules for Helping Your Child Deal With Divorce." . Parents Magazine, 1 Jan. 2014. Web. 12 June 2014. <http://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/helping-child-deal-with-divorce/?page=1>.
Meyer, Cathy . "Top 9 Ways to Help Children Cope With Divorce." . About.com, 1 Jan. 2014. Web. 12 June 2014. <http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/childrenanddivorce/tp/childrendont.htm>.
Orlins, Susan. "12 Ways to Help Your Kids Deal With Divorce." . Huffington Post, 7 Nov. 2010. Web. 12 June 2014. <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-orlins/12-ways-to-help-your-kids_b_780062.html>.
