West of it All – Caitlin
I enjoyed the setting of this short story. You have given the reader a good sense of the atmosphere that exists on a surfing beach and I genuinely felt like I could imagine being there, which is a great sign. I also felt you handled characterisation well, such as that of the narrator and of the brother. The relationship between the two of them was enjoyable to observe.
In terms of story structure, I think it needs a little work. Essentially, between the beginning and the end of a story, something should have changed. In a short story it can be a very small change, such as a change in a character’s state of mind or in their opinion on something. I am not very sure that anything changes in this story. This would not be difficult to fix, but it would add some proper structure and a reason for a reader to stay committed to it until the end. Readers do not like to be cheated by reading a story and finding that nothing happens so something small needs to change, even if it is internally within one of the characters.
As I said, I liked how you handled characterisation. I did feel, however, that I wanted to see more of the father character. We do not get to see much of him or find out what he is like as a person or, indeed, much of how he looks. Just a few more details would greatly help the reader to identify with him or, at least, identify with the narrator’s feelings towards him. Furthermore, the few bits of dialogue you wrote in the story were effective. Dialogue tends to speed up the pace of a story, so it can be a good idea to have a section of dialogue where you want the pace to quicken, and then have description where you want the pace to slow down again. More dialogue within this piece will make it come alive and will focus more on the human aspect of it rather than relying so heavily on the setting and description of surfing.
I liked the details about surfing, like when the narrator attaches the leash to her ankle. Using a certain amount of jargon is enjoyable for readers, whether or not they are familiar with the sport. I might be tempted to include a few more details such as this as, like the dialogue, they brought the piece alive.
Be careful with tense. I can see that you are writing in past tense, but at times you fall into present tense. Matters like this are easily fixed and a good way to spot them can be by reading your piece out loud. I find that when doing this you read what is actually there rather than what you believe is there (which can happen when reading in your head) and therefore you spot small errors and sentences that don’t sound quite right.
Overall, this is an attractive piece with a great setting and basis for characterisation. Add a little more depth to the relationships between the characters and decide what your story is trying to say. Once you are clear on your desired theme it will be relatively easy to go back and mould the characters and the setting around it.
The Sixth Day – Victor
I enjoyed this story very much. I think the best part was the tension that you managed to build throughout the story, especially when the narrator was in search of John in order to release his anger. This was all handled very well. I also especially enjoyed the dialogue. Many people are nervous of writing dialogue but you seem confident with it and write it convincingly. Dialogue serves to quicken the pace, in general, and so it worked very well using it as a tool for the narrator to find out about the affair etc. I also liked the setting at the beginning. The details about where the narrator was sitting and about how little he had moved over the last week was completely believable and effective.
There are a few minor points that need working on. When the narrator rings Jane’s colleague, Sam, it is a little confusing for the reader as a new character is suddenly introduced who we feel we ought to know about, but who we clearly do not. Making a reader feel as though they are missing something, even if only for a brief time, can interrupt their reading and make them more likely to give up on the story. Therefore, perhaps the narrator should tell his friend who he is about to ring, and make it clear to the reader, before he actually picks up the phone and speaks to her. This should clear up any confusion. Secondly, when he marches into the office and punches the man in the face, I think we need more detail about what happens next. For example, did the man fall to the floor? Did he try to hit him back? Also, the people around the table are described as looking shocked, whereas I think at least one of them would have leapt up from his chair and tried to break up the fight, get the narrator out of the room, or maybe even call the police. I love the tension that builds up until this point, but after the punch, the tension is allowed to fall away and this is a shame. With a more controlled wind-down, this scene could be even more effective.
I liked the cutting theme that is running through the story, and the way that the cutting behaviour of the narrator is explained to the reader. I also like the way that Carl reacts when he walks in to find his friend about to cut again. I do think Carl might have accompanied him to the office, or tried to stop him in his mission to attack John. If he does not then I think the reader needs to know why.
I also very much like the hints that are dropped regarding why Jane was having an affair. The narrator is an unreliable one, and I like that very much.
This is an interesting, gripping story with some powerful themes running through it. A few minor details need developing, such as reactions of other characters. However, I think these will be easy to fix and will make the story stronger and tighter.
Yuen – Wenting
This is an interesting story with some unexpected, and unique, twists. I liked the way you developed the character of Chen Mok. Through describing his actions and his behaviours, the reader is able to build up a good image of him.
While I am comfortable with what I know about Chen Mok, I feel the opposite about the narrator. As this is written in first person narrative, it means that the narrator is involved in the story. However, I do not feel I know anything about him as a person. Just as you have introduced the character of Chen Mok, the same needs to be done for the narrator. As interesting as Chen Mok is, readers will be less likely to stay with a story if they do not feel close enough to the narrator. You could do this by starting off with some dialogue between the narrator and one of the other students, for example. This might give some hints to his character and what kind of a narrator he is.
I like the scene when Chen Mok has come back into the dorm, covered in blood. This is well thought out and dramatic. I like how the narrator reacts to the incident – this is perhaps the best part in terms of characterisation of the narrator. However, I quickly became confused about the snake on Chen Mok’s chest. I was unsure as to whether the snake was a tattoo on his chest or whether he had an actual snake living in his chest? This is fine, if so, but it needs to be described much more clearly so that the reader isn’t in any doubt about it. I suggest taking out random comments like, “not breasts by the way” – it doesn’t add anything and takes away from the tension you’ve built up so far.
I am also unsure about the ending. As it is, the snake seems to be attacking the narrator. Or, if it is a tattoo, then Chen Mok must be attacking the narrator. Again, this needs to be clearer. Besides, as the narrator has just given a shirt to Chen Mok, it seems as though Chen Mok wouldn’t want to hurt him – he may be the closest thing he has to a friend now.
My feeling about this story is that it is unfinished. I love the characterisation of Chen Mok and I also love, if I am right, the fact that he has a snake living in his chest. However, the ending needs working on further so that the reader knows what is happening and what happens after the last sentence has ended. While ambiguity can be a good thing, there is too much in this story. If you do fix these issues, however, I think it will be an exciting and unique story that many people will enjoy reading. Put the same effort into the narrator’s character as you have done into that of Chen Mok and you will have two full rounded three-dimensional characters that readers will be able to relate to and enjoy being with for the course of the story. Write the ending more fully, and clearly, so that your readers do not feel cheated by a confusing conclusion, or a lack of one. Excellent start, though, I really like the imagination that has gone into this piece.
