Abstract
Lack of effective communication is one of the primary causes of failure in marriage. Communication is thus a key factor in a marriage’s success. Effective communication is especially important to how couples deal with and resolve conflicts. Although arguments and disagreements can be damaging to relationships, they can also be helpful to relationships by alerting couples to sources of unhappiness. The role of successful communication in conflict management and resolution can lead couples to correct negative behaviors and make positive changes that strengthen interpersonal bonds. Communication in a successful marriage is typically direct, or overt, rather than indirect, or covert. Covert forms of expression include passive-aggressiveness or one-upmanship, which can often cause emotional turmoil and drive a wedge into a relationship. Just as important as the way people express themselves in a relationship is the way people listen to and learn to understand each other. Successful communication in a marriage depends on the ability of individuals to listen and respond to their partners.
Besides incompatibility, one of the primary reasons why modern marriages fail is the absences of effective communication. Without successful communication, all marriages eventually fail. But successful communication in a marriage is dependent upon many factors. This essay will discuss and evaluate two of the aspects of successful communication in marriage – conflict management and active listening.
Even the most successful marriages and relationships are not immune to conflict. Husbands and wives who love each other and who have been together for decades may still have the occasional earth-shattering fight. Differences in opinion, such as conflicting views on childrearing, division of household labor, or control of household finances, can often cause couples to come to odds. The difference between marriages that stay together in spite of these conflicts and those that fall apart because of them is a matter of communication. Successful communication is a key component of successful conflict management and resolution. Couples that engage in successful conflict management may even grow stronger in their relationship as a result of learning to work through and past their differences.
One of the keys to conflict management in a successful relationship is being able to understand and accept differences in perspective. When these differences are not properly acknowledged and accounted for, they can become fractious. On the other hand, differences in perspective can keep a marriage interesting, and can be the source of plenty of lively discussions and debates throughout the relationship. Not only can different perspectives bring about disagreement and contentious arguments; they can bring excitement, as well (Fincham, Beach, & Davila, 2007).
In a successful marriage, conflict can be a positive thing, depending on the role that communication plays in the conflict. For example, a fight or ongoing conflict can help couples recognize discontent in the relationship. A fight in a marriage is usually a signal that at least one person in the relationship is unhappy about something. Therefore, an attentive partner can interpret a fight or an argument as a message from his or her significant other that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. When the source of the argument is addressed as a result of the argument, the couple may improve the strength of their bond. This results in a change for the better and a happier union (Fincham, Beach, & Davila, 2004).
In a successful marriage, the outcome of a conflict can be a positive behavioral change in one or both partners. For example, many marriages suffer from substance abuse; alcoholism and illicit drug use affects millions of people and relationships worldwide. Often, the first steps toward sobriety and healing are taken after a fight, or even a prolonged period of fighting compels the afflicted person to take action. When alcoholic husbands or wives realize that their habits and addictions are having a negative effect on the happiness and flourishing of the person they have committed to be with for the rest of their lives, then they must decide whether they value their relationship enough to make purposeful changes to their behavior. The kind of change that leads an addict permanently away from their addiction can be exceptionally challenging or even impossible to achieve. However, many people in successful marriages are able to bring about this kind of change when they have the enthusiastic, vocal support of their significant other. Thus, successful communication in a marriage can lead to positive changes in the behavior of one or both partners, making the relationship even more satisfying as a result (Taylor, 2001).
Wood (2016) writes that in most western relationships, conflict is natural and normal. Rather than avoiding conflict, therefore, couples would be better off trying to anticipate it and deal with it when it inevitably happens. The way that couples react to conflict is a measure of the health of their relationship. When couples have a strong relationship, they will be able to weather the storms of disagreement.
Wood (2016) continues her discussion of conflicts in relationships by saying that conflict may be overt or covert. Overtness and its opposite, covertness, is a function of communication. Overt conflict is directly, verbally expressed, whereas covert conflict is indirect. For example, passive-aggressiveness is a commonly used covert tactic to express discontent in a relationship. Passive-aggression can be expressed in many different ways, but it is always a means of inflicting punishment on a significant other. In a successful marriage, however, partners are able to express their angers and concerns in a direct and overt manner, without passive-aggressiveness or other covert methods of communication.
Communication does not only have to do with the way people speak to each other or express themselves. An equally important part of communication has to do with listening. Marriage counselors agree that communication must be direct and non-accusatory to be successful. Sometimes, individuals who have been in a relationship for a long time expect their partner to become mind readers. Unfortunately, this expectation is unrealistic and unmaintainable. Successful communication in a marriage depends, rather, on the ability of spouses to listen to each other and learn to understand their emotional language. In contrast, in an unsuccessful relationship or marriage, couples do not learn to listen and respond to each other. A familiar characteristic of unsuccessful marriages is game-playing. This is common in friendships as well. For example, couples or individuals within relationships will often engage in one-upmanship. This is a form of covert communication in which one person tries to express their concerns or troubles to another, and the other person refuses to listen, instead emphasizing that their own troubles are worse than their friend’s or partner’s. A typical example is when one person in a relationship has a complaint about his or her job, and is trying to gain sympathy from their significant other. But instead of listening and offering their sympathy, their partner instead will compare their plight to their own. If a husband has a complaint about an overbearing and inflexible boss, a one-upping wife will say that her boss is even more inflexible, and will tell him that his work grievances pale in comparison to her own. If a wife is feeling miserable because she is bored with her life as a stay-at-home-mom, a one-upping husband will tell her at least she doesn’t have to put up with the humdrum of office life like he has to, and she should feel grateful to be able to stay home with her children at all. One-upping is common in relationships that end in divorce. In successful relationships, however, partners listen to each other, avoiding the temptation to belittle or disparage, and willingly lend a sympathetic ear whenever it is needed.
In conclusion, a successful marriage is dependent upon successful communication. Successful communication has not only to do with how couples treat each other during times of tranquility and stability, but how they act during times of stress and conflict. How couples react to conflict in their marriage determines the future quality of their relationship. Likewise, successful communication is as much a function of listening to each other as it is of talking to each other and overtly expressing concerns and desires.
References
Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R., & Davila, J. (2004). Forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 18(1), 72.
Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R., & Davila, J. (2007). Longitudinal relations between forgiveness and conflict resolution in marriage. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(3), 542.
Taylor, M. (2001). Conflict Management and Resolution: Can We Agree? Retrieved July 17, 2016, from http://strongermarriage.org/files/uploads/Married/FY04700.pdf
Wood, J. T. (2016). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters. Nelson Education.
