Introduction
An excerpt from the The Perfect Madness by Judith Warner, This Mess, talks about the oppressive nature of motherhood in America. The author talks about the deteriorating quality of life led by an adult mother in America. She is clear with her disdain for the America-approach to motherhood and throughout the excerpt she evidently denunciates the expectations of the American society from an adult woman who is also a mother. The c'estmoi, or “this mess”, pertains to the unfortunate fact that no matter how qualified or talents a woman is, as soon as she starts bearing children, the only qualification expected out of her is that of a “perfect mother”. This pressure of being a good mother ultimately leads to the woman loosing self-interest and force them to lead a life of marital as well as financial pressure. In this excerpt, the author reviewed almost working women 150 women, to come to the conclusion that even in today’s age and era, the society continues the expect women to commit themselves only to the upbringing of their children, which is ultimately called the “the culture of total motherhood”. This culture of total motherhood is scripts specific role for women, it limits and frames the choices for adult mothers who look for careers, and ultimately degraded the quality of life lived by adult women who are also mothers.
Firstly, the culture of total motherhood in America restricts the role women play in the society. This is because the women stop being women and start existing only as the mother of their children. If a woman thinks of having a career outside her woman, the society attaches the “guilt” of not being around for the children to her name and personality (Warner, 442). This mess, or this culture of total motherhood, expects a child bearing woman to confine herself to the space of her home and set the proper upbringing of her child as her ultimate goal. The society expects the women to sacrifice her career and ambitions. In fact, a mother who expresses desire to work outsider her home is permanently pre-fixed with tag of being “selfish”. After the author returned to America from France, Warner got a cultural shock in terms of motherhood and the expectations of the society. In France, as a mother, she enjoyed her motherhood because she took out time to herself without the fear of “guilt” (Warner, 442). But, when she came back to America, she realized that mothers here were oddly fixed on their children, ridden with immense guilt by the fact that they wanted to leave their children and go out to work. Thus, according to Warner, their role in the society is simply restricted to raising children who can grow up to be successful people. This is an unfortunate situation as the women, in earlier times, used to contribute both socially and economically to the society. While in the present culture of total motherhood, women only contribute to the society by raising good children. This is evident from the quote “The women around me, for the most part, lived in affluent suburban Washington communities. They had comfortable homes, two or three children, smiling, productive husbands, and a society around them saying they’d made the best possible choices for their lives, yet many of them seemed just miserable” (Warner, 443)
Secondly, this mess, or this culture of total motherhood, significantly limits the choice of careers for mothers in America. Since, sending the child to pre-school or infant care centers is considered the greatest sin, the mothers have to think of career options where they can play the stressful double role of always being around their children along with giving time to work. It is almost like hitting a brick wall, since the mother is neither able to enjoy work and nor is she happy with her motherhood. “For the working moms I knew were stressed near the breaking point, looking tired and haggard and old” (Warner, 447). The author states that women, who are mothers, and still have the guiltless ambition of working end up looking more haggard, tired and old than mothers who do not work. Why is this so? It is because they are continuously being fed the nutritious diet of Guilt by the media (Warner, 446). They are continuously questioning themselves about their choice of career and should they opt for some other career option, so that they can take good care of their children.
Thirdly, this culture of total motherhood, significantly reduced the quality of life led by adult women in America. The author states that in France, there is a clear distinction between the spaces for adults and children. Thus, the adults, or the mothers, have time to look after themselves and their own needs. In France, even the stay-at-home mothers are happy and opt to stay at home out of their personal preference and not due to any obligation to the society. “I had never met a mother, working or otherwise, who didn’t have the “time” to read a book, or have lunch with a friend, or go out to dinner once in a while” (Warner, 446). According to Warner, she had not met any mother in France, who did not have the time to go out for dinner or a short vacation without being riddled by the “guilt” of not being a good mother. On the contrary, American society is just over obsessed with the concept of “attachment parenting”, where the children constantly share space with their mother, whether it is their bed or the family room. The women are constantly slaughtered by the press and the society to sacrifice their career and personal lives so that they can look after their children (Warner, 447).
Conclusion
In this excerpt by Judith Warner, it is clear that the American women are reeling under the constant pressure of achieving extreme high levels of selflessness, which is not only insane but also oppressive. The need to attain the perfect life ‘balance” is leading the women towards a bottomless pit of self-sacrifice which does no more harm than good. Issues as trivial as being successful at breast-feeding, is driving American women crazy, including the author. This is clear from her quote “I went around in a state of quiet panic” (Warner. 449).
However, the solution to all these problems is not trying to take up a career, it is actually detaching the mothers from the guilt. The whole society needs to understand, and give mothers, the social gratification and status they needs. The mothers need to be given the free will to have a life of their own, even when they have a life with their kids and family.
Works Cited
Warner, Judith. Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety. Riverhead, 2005. p. 441-449.
