In the past few years, there have been shocking frequencies of sexual and physical aggression in marriages, dating, and cohabitation throughout the United States and other countries of the world. As a result of the high frequency of aggression in relationships, many scholars and researchers have carried out many studies with the intent of understanding the phenomenon. The “Dark side of courtship” is an instance of a book that documents one of the studied on the subject. The authors use qualitative interviews and other data collection methods to explore the negative interactions between males and females who are dating or courting. This paper reviews one of the ultimate insincerities that exist in intimate relations that the researchers have identified, which is that there exist a simultaneous presence of control and aggression in love and romance. This paper reviews the literature on the book "dark side of courtship" which primarily is about sexual exploitation and physical violence that takes place between premarital partners. The premise of this discussion in this paper is that there exist two main features of dating and courting that encourage aggression to occur and continue for a long time without the relationship terminating. One of these features is that highly romanticized courtships that promote the parties to stay together even when there are negative interaction patterns are common. The second characteristic is that different contexts through which males and females interact in courtships allow men to control their partners with women being obliged to comply with this control. In this paper, the aim will be to provide insights from the summaries of the book and critic the book from the current research findings.
Notably, for the purposes of this paper, women are viewed as sufferers of physical as well as violent sexual behavior in dating and courtships while men are the perpetrators of this aggression. Most researchers have undertaken to understand the reasons that make women more vulnerable in dating and courtships than men, with most researchers concluding that women are at a higher risk of being violently victimized because of the socialization that they have received. Traditionally, in a patriarchal social structure, males dominate over females and therefore instead of any research concentrating on how genders correlate with aggression influenced by culture, the current research is more focused on interpersonal dynamics around control and coercion. This is the main areas that Lloyd and Emery sought to address in their book article titled "The Dark Side of Courtship: Physical and Sexual Aggression." In this paper, while it will give summaries of the Lloyd and Emery research, it will also explore the interpersonal dynamics and contexts of intimate aggressions.
The institution of marriage is still prominent among Americans in this age despite constraints or stress and strains that face it. Most people still want to get married in the context of life-long commitment and live happily, raising their own families. More research findings have put that more people in courtships tend to ignore the formative years preceding marriage and thus they tend to glorify the good and choose to dismiss the bad aspects in courtship. Usually, it is for this reason that families are likely to experience marital problems later in life since the same physical and sexual aggression that may be prevalent in the formative years during courtships is likely to be transported to the family set up when the partners get married. In their article, the authors give a broad definition of what they consider as courtship as heterosexual dating activities including cohabiting and casual dating which is meant to lead to marriage. This definition thus recognizes that couples engage in mutual bonding before they can make a commitment to live with their partners for life. This definition also acknowledges that commitment during courtship is an essential ingredient which causes courtships to endure for quite a long time.
The first of a useful observation from the article is that women have a tendency to believe that physical aggression in the form of sexual exploitation will not happen in their courtship and romantic relationships. Most women that Lloyd and Emery interviewed positively admitted that the first time that sexual and physical aggression happened in their courtship, they were surprised it happened in the first place. The general feeling and thoughts of all women that were interviewed positively pointed out that when physical and sexual aggression occurred in their courtship, there was a sense of unreality, shock, disbelief and confusion. Lloyd and Emery record that women could not simply believe that it was their man whom they had all along loved and respected that was actually hitting them. They had not entertained the idea that their partner would abuse a girl given that they had not even heard that he had ever physically abused another female (Lloyd & Emery, 2000). Abuse is compounded by the belief by women that relationships ought to be romantic and equalitarian which makes a victim of physical and sexual aggression in courtship unable to understand the context of the abuse as the perpetrator is a known person to the victim and not a stranger. Victims of such aggression appreciate the fact that the perpetrators are people that they trust, love and have known as caring and therefore attack does not fit in their definition of loving relationships.
The second observation from the work of Lloyd and Emery is that sexual exploitation, as well as physical aggression, is not necessarily accompanied by dissatisfaction or any form of relational distress. Even when women admit to having actually been victims of aggression from their partners, they indicated that they still did not have their partners with many of them intimating that their courtships stayed the same or improved immediately after the aggression. While severe and prolonged assault in a courtship has a tendency to erode happiness and satisfaction, well-being as well and self-confidence of the casualty, violence does not always bring about separation or divorce. In the short run, aggression does not have any effect or if any it is minimal in its early stages. This is especially in the case where such violence in courtship is less frequent, less severe or where it occurs it is a form of conflict management than as a technique to assert control. The fact that partners in a romantic relationship tend to forgive and move on and therefore victims tend to strive towards maintaining a conducive environment in their relationship through forgiving their abusive male partners without having to break-up also explains the commonness of abusive relationships. This makes abusive relationships to continue for a long time before being terminated.
The last observation from the work of Lloyd and Emery is that when one wants to fully understand the discourse of aggression in intimate relationships, they must look at the wider context that surrounds the aggression. The authors appreciate the fact that social constructivism influences the handling of aggression in courtships to an enormous extent (Lloyd & Emery, 2000). Conversations, interactions, and languages that people are engaged in everyday help in constructing the meaning of romantic relationships. These constructions of the world are, in turn, reflected in ways that partners in courtship view and make sense of a working relationship. They provide the basis through which cultural discourses on the role of culture in love should happen. The authors observe that stories that embody norms, societal values and how people should behave in a relationship including the role of each gender plays a great role in shaping how courtships occur.
On the romance discourse, people tend to believe the statement in daily poetic language that love is blind and adopt the claim that courtship can overcome the strains that it is likely to be faced with. Tales, movies, and novels also depict romance as possessing the power to save, redeem as well as liberate. Partners are therefore encouraged to overlook and forgive negative behaviors of their partners including sexual and physical aggression that is perpetuated by their lovers. It is for this reason that a victim attaches meanings to attack from an outside force or reason for the action of the aggressor. The victims are also made to believe that when they pardon their lovers who have been aggressive for the simple reason that they have apologized and promised that they will not repeat the negative behavior, the romance will continue and endure for another time before experiencing any more constraint.
On the area of sexuality, it is premised on the traditional belief that men have an extreme sexual drive and hence they sometimes lose control. Women are therefore expected to control the sexual need of the men by not denying them their needs. Cultures condemned the resistance of women to sexual requirements of men and took it to mean yes. They must comply since nature inherently gives men the freedom to fulfill their sexual desires in whatever means from women. This complicates the discourse as it makes women more venerable to misuse by men without complaining. In courtships, even when women are raped, they are unable to classify that as aggression since they have been taught the weak nature of men as having insatiable sexual desires which sometimes run out of control (Lloyd and Emery, 2000).
On the flip side, the authors appreciate that sexual and physical aggressiveness is curable through sexual therapists and counselors who should emphasize on the contexts through which aggression occurred. Instead of blaming the victim or the aggressor, those helping the partners should make an effort to recognize the pain and betrayal of the victim from their aggressive partner. This study also concludes that men who have recovered from physical and sexual aggressiveness become more romantic and can again love their wives deeply (Lloyd and Emery, 2000). The emphasis should be on how to develop a good communication plan between partners so that they can agree on the levels of permissiveness that they should incorporate in their courtship. The discourse of aggression should be considered incomplete without defining the roles of each partner in the relationship. In conclusion, overall, this book is an important framework through which scholars and researchers can use to continue with the discourse on aggression in the context of romantic relationships.
References
Lloyd, S. A., & Emery, B. C. (2000). The dark side of courtship: Physical and sexual aggression. Sage Publications.
